by Brian

The jog. Ugh. That’s all I’ll say. Pain, gasping; I ate poorly today, I didn’t drink enough water, and I paid the price. I did achieve a small goal I had set for myself, and made it to a landmark that I wanted to get to, but it was fuckawful. It will get better, I know that now.

I broke some boundaries today and I realized something; I love breaking boundaries. I think this is one of the primary motivators in my life: finding something where routine and stagnation has set in and then busting through it like a bull in a china shop. I don’t plan my upheavals, I just barrel into them and hope for the best.

One thing that has come with age is a lessening of fears. I fear less and less every day, and I can’t find any downside to that. If, two weeks ago you told me that I would do what I did tonight, I would have said “heh. probably not”. When I think about things, I get too analytical and I fall into that “what if…” trap. I hate the “what if…” game, even though I play it myself.

It’s easy to do, until you realize that your fears are based on many intangible things, and many of those involve self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-loathing… See the pattern? We create these fears because of some preconceived notion that we will be judged, and that there will be consequences. Imagine, for a moment, that there is no judge. Imagine that you can operate without any fear of being rejected, that someone will take you as you are. I try to live in that world and that is where I put my head now.

Insecurity and fear were very much a part of my not going to the gym, or walking/running outdoors. It’s not to say that I’m suddenly not self-conscious, but I no longer let that stop me from doing these things. What’s the worst that can happen? Someone will look at me and think “ugh, that guy is fat”? Someone will say something rude and idiotic? Is that bad? Only if I let it stop me.

So if every day brings a lesson, today brought this: just fucking do it. Don’t worry about the consequences too much. If your intentions are good, trust your instincts and just do it. Break down walls, run full force, headlong into something, and learn that this is when magic happens.

Tags: money shot

Posted Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 4:59 am under Life. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.