Jiro Dreams of Sushi and the art of perfecting your craft

Jiro Dreams of Sushi reviewI don’t know if Jiro Ono is a Buddhist. I don’t know if Jiro is really even a very nice person. What I do know, after watching a movie about him, is that Jiro has attained a level of skill in his craft that most humans only dream of.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi is a documentary about a man and his sushi restaurant in Tokyo, Japan. Jiro, at the time of filming, was 85 years old. Every day except Sunday, he gets up and goes into work at Sukiyabashi Jiro. There, along with his son Yoshikazu and a handful of apprentices, he serves up what many consider the best sushi on the entire planet.

Sukiyabashi Jiro is in a subway station. It’s a tiny, 10-seat restaurant. It costs an exorbitant amount of money to eat there. There is no menu. There are no appetizers. You put your name on a waiting list that exceeds a month, you pay almost $400, and you eat what Jiro puts in front of you while he watches—and only then will you experience the highest state of sushi ever created.

Much of the film focuses on Jiro and his relentless pursuit of perfection. Every single piece of sushi he serves up is an attempt to make it better than the last. You can see, then, that being an apprentice under a man who is never satisfied would probably be extremely challenging.

Throughout the film, we see Jiro standing, sternly glaring at his apprentices, his son, or his customers (he watches his customers eat, which many find off-putting). He appears lost in contemplation; studying his customer’s faces as they eat, watching the body language of his apprentices, making sure his son is doing everything correctly. He is absolutely, at all times, focused on one thing and one thing only: the sushi.

There are lessons to be learned from Jiro. Finding a craft that you’re passionate about and then uncompromisingly pursuing it is admirable. Is sushi important? It doesn’t matter. Does Jiro’s obsession with perfection affect his personal relationships? It doesn’t matter. Is Jiro loved? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Despite the titular character and the focus on Jiro, however, the movie seems to be more about his son, Yoshikazu. Here is a man who is in his 50s, and for his entire life he has been working under his father’s strict and uncompromising control. He didn’t go to college. No wife or children were mentioned. We see a long scene in which Yoshikazu is talking to the filmmakers as he methodically roasts sheets of nori, the seaweed used to wrap sushi rolls. During the entire scene, he talks about doing the same thing over and over again, about learning something so thoroughly that it becomes your nature, and about finding peace with this type of lifestyle. During the entire monologue, the camera is focused on Yoshikazu’s hands. He never loses a beat, he never falters—it’s as if he is a robot, perfectly programmed for this one simple task.

Yoshikazu seems extremely happy in his life. He goes to the market, he forges friendships with fish and rice experts, and yet he proudly boasts of his father’s work, of his father’s awards, of his father’s achievements.

Jiro admits to being a rather bad father. Throughout his sons’ childhood, he was not present, since he was always at the restaurant. He does show moments of tenderness, though, even as he claims he is extra strict with Yoshikazu and his other son Takashi. Takashi opted to move out of his father’s business and open his own sushi restaurant (with his father’s blessing). However, when Takashi moved out, Jiro told him “You have no home to return to.” In this way, Jiro was making sure Takashi understood that he absolutely had to succeed. Failure was not an option.

Yoshikazu says, throughout the film, that he will never be as good as his father. A prominent food reviewer says, “Yoshikazu could be twice as good as his father and only then will they say he is as good as Jiro. He won’t have it easy.”

Yoshikazu and the apprentices (the ones that make it for more than a day or two, anyway) are paragons of patience and dedication. There is a scene in which one of the apprentices talks about spending four years working on perfecting tamagoyaki (egg sushi). Every day, for four years, he would make tamagoyaki and have Jiro tell him what was wrong with it, how bad it was, and to do it again. Finally, one day, Jiro tasted the tamagoyaki, said, “It’s good. That’s how it should be done.”

The apprentice broke down in tears. He had achieved a small bit of enlightenment.

One glaring omission from this film is any mention at all of Takashi and Yoshikazu’s mother—presumably Jiro’s wife. Jiro does talk about his parents and childhood a bit (it was bleak), but he never mentions anything about his love life. It’s as if Takashi and Yoshikazu were hatched from eggs and specifically groomed for sushi. They may as well have been born in the restaurant.

This movie makes you think about what you do. It makes you want to buckle down and practice your craft. It’s a shining example of what passion and focus can achieve, but there are also lessons about life and love to be had.

Perhaps only through this level of determination and mindfulness can perfection be achieved. Jiro is a man who was ready and willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary to achieve perfection. Whether you like him or not is irrelevant. Perhaps that’s what we’re meant to take from this.

Sacred Mountain Monastery in Warren, Michigan

A  few years ago, I was as shocked as anybody when a Vietnamese sangha bought an old Salvation Army building and turned it into a Buddhist Monastery in extremely blue-collar Warren, Michigan. Warren is a factory town, known mostly for automotive plants and high-tech manufacturing and engineering. It’s a very, well… “white” town. The area where this monastery went up is in south Warren, which is a working-class area with liquor stores, check cashing shops, and a few bars. It was like a bloom of flowers in the desert, both literally and figuratively (they planted colorful flowers everywhere, and if you know Vietnamese Buddhists, you know they love their flowers!)

Here’s a picture of the statue in front of the chùa (temple):

Chùa Linh Son temple in Warren, Michigan

Tolerant Christians. They do exist.

First Christian Church of OrangeA few years back I got invited to a wedding in California. A very good friend of mine was marrying his love—who just so happened to be a pastor at a Christian Church.

I went to their wedding, which was small, touching, and beautiful. While I was there I met some of their friends and I learned a lot about their church—the First Christian Church of Orange.

One thing that struck me immediately was that Olivia, the bride, went out of her way to make sure that she respected and understood my Buddhist beliefs, and wanted to make sure that I was comfortable at her Christian wedding—something no Christian in my experience had ever done for me. I was quick to ensure my friend and his bride-to-be that there wouldn’t be any issues. I was totally awestruck at the fact that they even considered my feelings in the matter. It was very humbling and a striking turn of tables, as generally Buddhists in America have to make sure to explain or apologize to their Christian friends and ensure their comfort in awkward situations like weddings and funerals.

I tell you that anecdote to set the stage for the kind of church that Olivia presides over. Over the time I spent in Orange with the newlyweds, I came to have a great deal of respect for their church. They were openly tolerant of everyone, regardless of race, background, and (most strikingly) sexual orientation. They had many openly gay congregants.

The church doesn’t just pay lip service to being “open”, either. In getting to know my friend’s new wife, she used her convictions and biblical knowledge to explain exactly why her church believes that Jesus Christ was, above all else, a tolerant and loving man. Their mission was only to share Christ’s love of everyone.

One of the friends I met while in Orange was Michelle. She is also a member of the church. She writes a blog about being a single Christian mom and today’s post, on Valentine’s Day, really struck me as capturing the spirit of the church.

The post is called “Be Loud in Love“. Reading it brought me back to my trip to Orange and was a refreshing reminder, in a world that is filled with news of hatred, violence, and intolerance, there are indeed loving and kind Christians out there. This particular passage struck me:

There are some Christians who “love the sinner, hate the sin.” This seems to me like a backhanded insult, that the Christian does not love the whole person, but instead they love who they, the Christian, want the ”sinner” to be. You can’t only love someone’s potential, you have to love their reality, too. That’s like saying “I love the thin person inside of you.” This idea is not love, it is simply tolerance.

I know a lot of Buddhists have, if not outright hostility, a general distaste for Christianity—in a pushy Christian society like America, it’s not hard to see why. Just try to remember our own philosophy of loving kindness and let’s try to practice a little tolerance of our own.

A fellow student is attacked

Last night, a fellow student at my dojo told a story. It’s rare for Sifu to invite a student to speak at length during a normal class, so the air filled with tension as he came forward and sat in seiza before us.

The student is one of our most senior students and has practiced over a decade. He is very intense, very dedicated to practice, and is incredibly challenging to work with (in a good way). He comes across as extremely hard to beginners, and when I was new I dreaded when he was teaching a class. After a bit of time, you realize he’s actually a very warm person who is simply pushing you harder than you thought you could go. He’s certainly one of my favorites.

As he sat, he apologized and wondered if he would make it thru what he had to say. He was straining to hold back the emotion welling up in his eyes.

A few nights prior, he entered the stairwell of a parking garage near his office. It wasn’t late. He heard footsteps approaching behind him which struck him as odd because the stairwell had been empty when he entered. As he turned, an attacker thrust a knife at him. He pivoted, and grabbed the arm. They struggled back and forth, onto the ground, then back up again. Finally he broke the attacker’s arm, and the attacker fled, dropping his knife. He picked up the knife and a second attacker appeared, saw the knife, and likewise fled. He ran to his car. It probably lasted less than 60 seconds.

He called his wife, then found Sifu to work thru what had happened. He still wasn’t exactly sure, but walked us thru what he believe occurred during the struggle. Clearly, the muscle memory of practice had saved his life in a moment when there was no time to think.

Several things struck me about this.

After practicing martial arts for several years, you start to have some confidence in your abilities. You think, if it came down to it, you’d be OK if you got attacked. Stories like this are a wakeup call from that sort of complacency. It would not be OK. This was a highly trained, dedicated martial artist who can run circles around me in the dojo and he came so close to getting stabbed there was a hole in his fitted shirt afterward and his ribs were bruised by the attacker’s knuckles.

It also struck me that there was no revenge. He broke the attacker’s arm, yes, but then he let him go. He didn’t go after the second attacker at all. He ran. He gave the knife to Sifu. He went home and held his child. This is why we practice meditation of course, but it was still powerful to see it work.

Self-defense is not enough reason to practice the art for decades, but the effectiveness of the training saved the life of one of my favorite people, a husband and a father. Maybe it saved the attacker’s life too.

Meaningful Connections

Sometimes I think I think too much, but every once in while, those thoughts provoke some interesting questions about life. On the way home from attending a talk at PSU, for example, I sparked an interesting discussion on Facebook/Twitter with the tweet: “Technology has made the world smaller, yet we’re more alienated than ever: how can I feel so alone when the world’s at my fingertips?”

The next morning, my friend, Erica, commented on Facebook:

Our monkeyselves need meatspace, no matter what we can sit and stare at.

While humourous, her reply hit upon an idea echoed by friend, Matt, on Twitter:

“Different medium, same old problem. Connecting with someone still requires effort from two people.”

I replied to both:

And therein lies the dilemma. Sometimes I think we’re like galaxies in an ever-expanding universe: drifting off into oblivion. As the world appears to get smaller with advances in technology, we seem to be drifting farther and farther apart.

And then added on Facebook:

I don’t know. Maybe I just feel that way because I’m so socially awkward, but as I was sitting on the bus last night — watching all the people listening to their MP3 players and playing with their cell phones (not to mention me with mine) — the alienation was palpable.

Perhaps I’ve been reading too much Marx, but I can’t help but feel this invisible barrier between me and my fellow bipedal primates, a barrier that doesn’t feel natural at all.

I feel like the cow tongue of meatspace; nobody likes cow tongue, they’d rather have their Matrix-steak.

Less than 10 minutes later, Erica responded with:

Well, 20 years ago on the bus folks were doing their very best to ignore each other in an analog fashion (newspapers, books). I really think the invention of the suburb and the television have done much more to isolate ourselves.

I think a lot of us feel that barrier, just not everybody admits it. I think it is a common longing of a social animal that no longer lives in communal spaces. That’s why I throw myself into whatever food rituals I can, get out into nature whenever I can, go out on a limb to make connections no matter how minor (smiling at the grocery store at the smallest end of the spectrum, having a child at the greatest end). You do what you can. Most of us have cow-tongue and are relieved when we find out the truth, that others do too. Matrix steak just doesn’t have the nutrients.

I was kind of taken aback by how much she seemed to get where I was coming from. At this point, my friend, Brian, got involved by pointing out the role technology has played in connecting people with one another:

You can’t blame technology; I know many people whose social interactions and lifestyles have improved because of increased connectivity. Think of how many new friends YOU personally have BECAUSE of technology and the internet. It’s probably in the high dozens, perhaps hundreds.

Your friend Erica nailed it: It’s always been this way, as long as we’ve been a society of suburbs. It’s not like there were these rousing and engaging conversations on city buses or subway cars before cell phones, dude.

He brought up a great point, one that Matt had also touched upon via Twitter in response to my “ever-expanding universe” comment:

Says he who didn’t want a mobile. We Twitter / txt more in 2 days than we communicated all last year between your visits.

I couldn’t argue with either of their points, but then again, I wasn’t referring to simple connectivity as much as what I saw to be an erosion of meaningful social interactions and relationships in general. Attempting to address this, I wrote:

I completely agree. And just to be clear, I wasn’t blaming technology, simply commenting on the fact that I can still feel so lonely despite having the “world at my fingertips” via technological advances that have made the world so much smaller. (Seriously, it’s hard to get all philosophically complex in just 140 characters. You know how I usually write. :p)

For example, just being able to communicate with others via things like the internet doesn’t necessarily make those interactions truly meaningful on a deeper, more intimate level. I think there’s more to it than that (e.g., being able to tear down those invisible barriers, etc.).

I mean, I’m not denying that increased connectivity has improved the social interactions and relationships of certain people (hell, I was at ICOK: meaningful social interactions were off the hook!), but I think it’s also made some of them more artificial (for lack of a better word), and even somewhat shallow.

As for the origin of the kind of alienation I was referring to, I didn’t mean to imply that technology was the cause. In fact, I agree with you both that no longer living in communal spaces is one of the major causes. But I also believe that there are other factors involved, factors which have directly contributed to our no longer living in communal spaces (e.g., Marx’s Theory of Alienation).

In the end, I still don’t have any concrete answers, but at least I’ve been reminded of some things I forgot along the way. The most important one being: we’re all more alike than we often realize.

Like Erica said, we’re social creatures, and we all feel isolated at times, even if it’s not always easy for us to admit it. But that shouldn’t stop us from doing what we can to reach out and make connections with other people, whether it’s by smiling at the grocery store, starting a family or creating a place like this where people can come together and discuss all things Buddhist.

The cliff – jump, or turn around

I’m a serial entrepreneur. I’ve been self-employed for over half of my working life. I’ve started three businesses, and learned a lot along the way.

My first business died a quick death because of youth, inexperience, and rapid life changes (marriage, babies). The second became moderately successful (financially), but was undermined and ultimately destroyed by a number of factors, including a massive drop in my state’s economy, as well as plain bad luck and lack of planning for such.

The third was born of passion, however. I am fervently passionate about what I do, and I can truly and honestly say I love my job. I love my job.

The problem is: it doesn’t remotely pay the bills. Not even close.

I have reached that point that any entrepreneur in the audience will understand: Jump off the cliff.

I am standing on the cliff that overlooks the land of dreams. Jumping off of cliffs is scary. There’s no safety net, there’s no guarantee of a soft landing, it’s far, and it’s painful. I could, I should, turn around and walk back to safety.

But behind me is a life of unhappiness and misery. Behind me is a life that I cannot lead. I have accepted and resigned myself to the fact that I am not cut out for that life. I’ve tried; believe me, I’ve tried, to be a member of that world, to live that lifestyle, to play that game. I do not have it in me. One of the things age and wisdom brings is the gift of self-acceptance; I accept that I cannot be that person.

I’m at that point again. The bills are piling up, money is not coming in, and things are looking bleak.

I have found, however, that this is when the magic happens. If I had never gone through this before, I’d be terrified right now.

I’m not scared. I’m tired. I’m introspective. I’m a little sad. But I am not scared.

I’m jumping.

All of my people

Reflecting on the events of this past weekend, I’ve realized many things about myself and the world around me. One of them is that things aren’t as solid as we often perceive them to be. This is, of course, common sense, but I don’t think that it’s something we intuitively realize in our day to day lives. For example, most people understand that we’re biological organisms that change and grow our entire lives — that we’re not static entities independent of, and removed from, the material conditions that surround us — and yet we tend to cling with an iron grip to many of the most ephemeral and artificially constructed concepts. And the most insidious of these is identity.

I’m more confident than ever that identity is a phenomenon that’s influenced by a myriad of internal and external conditions and experiences, and that even some of the most seemingly concrete aspects of our identity are little more than shackles that we as a society unconsciously place on ourselves. That’s not to say that certain things aren’t beyond our control, but I’d argue that what’s in our control is a lot more than we might imagine, that much of our identity is fluid and malleable.

One of the things that I’ve been learning about over the past few months is Marx’s materialist conception of history and the idea that “the nature of individuals depends on the material conditions determining their production.” While Marx’s theory was set within a specific context — that of the complex relationship between the production and reproduction of material requirements of life and the historical development of human society — it has much wider implications. For example, I’m of the opinion that things such as identity are conditioned, at least in part, by the historical and material conditions that we find ourselves in, and that changes in those conditions can fundamentally alter our identity and the ways in which we express ourselves, and vice versa. Not in a rigidly deterministic way, however, but in a complex and symbiotic way.

This idea isn’t necessarily new. The Buddha, for example, developed similar ideas about identity in his teachings on karma, dependent co-arising, etc. In short, he viewed our sense of self as a continuous process—something which is always in flux, ever-changing from moment to moment in response to various internal and external stimuli. Furthermore, he observed that there are times when our sense of self causes us a great deal of suffering, times when we cling very strongly to that momentary identity and the objects of our sensory experience on which that identity is based in ways that cause a great deal of mental stress. But his focus was primarily on how to relieve the suffering of the individual by mastering this process of “I-making and my-making” while Marx’s focus, the bodhisattva that he was, was primarily on how to relieve the suffering of society by changing the material conditions that support it.

What really got me thinking about all of this, though, were the potential contradictions I saw inherent in “identity politics.” The Socialism 2009 conference had a fair amount of talks centered around LGBT rights and racism, and I completely support equal rights for, and treatment of, everyone, regardless of their gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. But during some of the talks I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.

The main reason for this, I believe, was that many of the speakers and audience members were separating people into classes based on their gender, race, sexual orientation, etc., and I started to feel alienated by my own gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. being that straight white males have historically been the most exploitative and oppressive class the world has ever known. I began to feel as if I couldn’t relate to others because I was on the outside looking in — even though politically we shared the same views — simply because of being born a straight white male. I even felt attacked at times when people attacked these aspects of my identity in an indirect way. I mean, I know that they weren’t talking about me personally, yet being a part of the very class that has systematically exploited and oppressed blacks, women, gays and lesbians, and whole plethora of others classes caused me to feel alienated nonetheless. It wasn’t that “I” was being attacked, but by clinging to my identity of a “straight white male” as a fixed thing, I found myself becoming alienated from the very people I was supposed to feel solidarity with. It wasn’t an omnipresent feeling, either, but it was strong enough for me to be aware of its psychological impact. And these feelings lead me to question who “I” was.

Pragmatically speaking, I see the need to differentiate between these things for the sake of communication, and as long as the words themselves don’t become fixed entities corresponding to permanent realities, there’s no problem. But when these labels become representations of things which we then habitually cling to without acknowledging their limitations, I think they can become a serious problem. Hence my wariness of identity politics.

The way I see it, identity politics that separate individuals and groups into various classes run the risk of becoming antagonistic due to the contradictory nature of the various classes themselves, especially if these distinctions of class become solidified and clung to as concretely, independently existing things. In other words, identity politics can actually reinforce the barriers in society that alienate one class from another by artificially segregating them into separate classes to begin with.

Case in point. When I was young, I came home from school crying and I asked my Mom why I wasn’t black. Although I don’t remember any of this myself, she told me that when she asked what was wrong I told her that I was upset because the kids at school said they wouldn’t play with me because I wasn’t black. Up until that point, I grew up in a hotel in Detroit with a very diverse mixture of tenets. Being the only kid in the entire hotel, I got a lot of attention from everyone and I was never really exposed to the racial conflicts that existed in the outside world.

For me, in my little world inside that hotel, we were all the same—black, white, men, women, American, Filipino, etc. Almost everyone treated me as a part of their community and I saw them as part of mine. But I imagine that the kids at my school — kids who were exposed to different and less sheltered circumstances — were already acquainted with the harsh realities of racism. So even though I didn’t know anything about “race” at the time, and all I wanted to do was play with the other kids and have fun, the idea of race as a class had the unfortunate effect of setting me apart from my own community.

For the majority of my life, I never truly understood that identity wasn’t a fixed thing—that my “white” identity wasn’t something I was born with, but something which arose out of the historical and material conditions I was born into. And now that I’ve begun to questions these things, I’m beginning to see that my sense of identity and subsequent feelings of alienation are being perpetuated, at least in part, by the very set of identity politics which seeks to destroy these kinds of social barriers.

I can’t change the colour of my skin (well, not easily anyway), but I can just as easily identify myself as a “human being” as I can a “straight white man.” Of course, doing so isn’t going to make me classless, but it’ll at least help me to avoid falling into an essentialist trap in which I’m not able to explore my own sense of identity in a fluid and dynamic way—a way that won’t alienate me and prevent me from connecting to all of my people.

Misery part II

Remember my Misery blog post a couple of months ago? Wait, here’s a coincidence–it was exactly two months ago; anyways, yeah. I had that night again, except in bike form.

The pattern was the same; I was bad with my water intake, I had a beer tonight, I had a crappy dinner. I knew I’d pay the price when I got out there on the bike tonight. To top it off, it has been pouring rain all day, and now everything is soaked and the humidity is through the roof. My bike is already in bad shape, and now that it got really wet, the bearings are shot and the wheels barely spin. If I stop pedaling, the bike coasts about 15 feet and grinds to a halt. The work to get this thing moving has doubled. In addition to that, just like Misery, my music player for some reason stopped working tonight. I have no idea why.  The stage was set for a bad night.

It doesn’t really matter; the point of this is to sweat, work out, and lose weight, not go long distance or set any speed records. Why should it matter if the bike is easy to pedal or hard to pedal? If it’s hard to pedal, that means I’m working harder to move. That’s a good thing, right?

Still, it’s one of those nights where I just want to bitch about it. It hurt, I didn’t want to do it, and I almost turned around before I even started.

In fact, I did turn around after I got to the end of my block. I turned around, and started heading back, and then got really pissed at myself and went right back past my house and kept going.

All told, I got a two mile ride in, and when I got back I was drenched in sweat. I suppose I should give myself a cookie for completing a hard ride that I absolutely didn’t want to take, but I didn’t earn it because I’m being a bitch about this whole thing.

The next week is going to be extremely tough with the Expo Icrontic here; guests are dribbling in. I will have a friend from Norway here tomorrow and a friend from LA as well, and it’s just gonna be more eating bad and making other poor choices. I’ll try to suffer silently.

Blergh.

The skunk hunters

Tonight I walked instead of biked; I took my kids skunk hunting.

By hunting, I mean looking for skunks. I see them all the time on my adventures, but for some reason whenever I take my kids out (neither of them have ever seen a skunk) I miss them. Tonight was no exception.

I even went to the usual haunts. The scrubby field by the expressway ramps, the paths along the factories, the bushes and fences they run along, snuffling and searching for whatever it is skunks eat.

Nothing.

My kids think I’m making it all up.

When I go on a long walk, sometimes I pretend that I stepped through a wormhole and instantaneously appeared in another city, another state, another country, or even another world. Did you ever do that? Consciously try to will your familiarity with a place away and try to see it with brand new eyes? Once in a while I can pull it off, and I find myself talking to myself in my head, narrating my fantasy like a bad science fiction novel.

“Where am I? How did I get here? What’s going on?”

“How is this possible? Something has gone terribly, terribly wrong!”

Et cetera.

My younger son said something hilarious though; he must have read it in a cheesy book or a bad video game. He said, and I quote:

“It’s quiet. Too quiet.”

What a strange night.

The music in my soul

Okay, I’ll admit it; no exercise tonight: I am sick as hell and I NEED TO GET BETTER BEFORE I GO TO LA FOR FIVE DAYS.

That said, I will still blog.

I had a wonderful conversation tonight with a musician friend. His name is Reggie Smith. He was the lead singer for an up-and-coming Detroit-based band called “Bloom” several years ago, and I was a fan. My wife and I would go to see as many of their shows as we could, as they were one of those bands that you just had a sense about—you know, one of those bands that was just… too good to be playing in this or that crappy bar. They were meant for bigger things.

Things happened, and they broke up. Same with me; things happened, my wife and I broke up. Time passed.

A few years back, as a newly single guy, I saw Reggie again at a local brewery that I started to hang out at. He was now fronting a band called The Afterparty. Again, Reggie stole the show and really knew how to work the crowd. I became a fan all over again.

Over the years, I became friends with Reggie, and we started talking alot. Reggie didn’t know that I was a musician. Recently, I had let on that it would be an honor to jam with him.

Tonight I flat out told him; we need to play together. I’ve got funk in my soul, music that is dying to come out of my fingers, and he is going to help me with this. We had a grand talk, full of ideas, inspiration, and downright badassery. Tonight the foundation was laid for another reawakening in my life; that of the music that died inside of me way back when.

It’s in there. I have been a bass player for 16 years—secretly, clandestinely, privately. I don’t mean to brag, but I have reached that skill level that allows me to express myself adequately through my talent, and it needs to come out. I’ve got music in my soul, and it wants to sing.

So tonight, the path opened up to me, and I’m going to jump on it. So I have begun meditative exercise, so I have begun physical exercise, so I have begun dietary exercise, and so I shall begin creative and artistic exercise as well. The music that lives inside of me shall be free.

Full circle

I remember a time not so long ago when I made choices for the better; I would go out and decide I was going to do a certain distance, or turn at a certain corner, and then when I got to that point, I decided that instead of taking the easy path I would continue to push myself and go farther, faster, or higher.

That’s where I was tonight; I have a cold (RIGHT before I go on a weeklong trip to LA. Fantastic), and I wasn’t feeling like exercising. Still, I got out there and got on my bike and started up with a one or maybe two mile trip in mind.

When I got to the halfway point, I decided to just say fuck it, and keep going. I ended up going 3 miles, which is my normal distance.

I kind of lost sight of the fact that I was just preaching a month or two ago to make better choices on a moment-to-moment basis. I remember now; I need to make better choices every moment.

My roommate said that willpower was like a muscle, you just need to keep exercising it and it gets stronger, but damn if it doesn’t take a long time to notice a difference. I think that’s where I’m at right now; discouraged by my lack of willpower over the last couple of days, I’m in danger of falling into a rut of going back to my old lifestyle, except I still exercise every night, and I’m still thinking about my food choices, and I’m still drinking far more water than I ever did. I swear, it’s like I got all excited about losing 20 pounds and then boom—my motivation plummeted.

I’ll shake myself out of it; I know that I’ll return from LA invigorated and full of new ideas. Perhaps that will carry over into my personal life as well and I’ll come back motivated to continue my fitness quest.

Out of the woodwork

Day four of being “off”, but I’m sick of talking about it. I decided to jog tonight instead of bike; mix things up a bit.

I jog/walked a mile. I was drenched when I got home, so I know I at least got a good workout. I mean, foodwise, today was better than yesterday, but it was still not ideal. I didn’t eat nearly enough. I really have to remember to eat. I just forget and then I look up and realize I haven’t eaten anything all day, and instantly I’m starving. I also have to seriously cut back on my carb intake, even though one of my meals was almost all protein (tuna), so I’m getting back on track with that. Also: not nearly enough water.

Anyways, I am heartened to see that people are startin’ to pick up what I’m layin’ down, and use the #thingschanged hashtag on Twitter. That is amazing to me, and I am humbled. Each person who uses it makes sure to let me know privately that I’ve inspired them and to ask if they could start using the hashtag. This is something that I never, ever, ever would have seen myself doing. Inspiring other people to exercise? That’s not me.

Three years of my life were spent seething in self-loathing, rage, and madness. I want to erase those by surrounding myself with love, spreading lovingkindness, and with people who are like minded. I find, more and more, that negativity actually kind of repels me; and this is a huge change from just recently when I sought out negative people to commiserate and brood with.

As I continue on this path, I find that the positive people that I should be around are starting to ‘come out of the woodwork’. Actually, scratch that: it is I who have come out of the woodwork, back into the world of normal people who care.

Off the wagon is still on the road

The last couple of days have been really off for me, diet and exercise wise. I ate embarassingly bad today, but as a friend told me; just note it and move on. That’s what I plan on doing; I recognize the fact that I made poor food choices today, I see what the effect of that will be (in this case, a horrible bike ride), I have noted that, and I am moving on. I am fully aware and not in any denial about it, which is still far better than I used to be able to deal with these transgressions.

After a time, one begins to realize how badly in denial they were about things in the past. I used to eat like this every day, but yet I always said my diet wasn’t that bad. It was; I was in denial. How many other situations in my life was I in denial about? How many are any of us?

Does knowing it make it better? Do I remain here, squelching around in new and different forms of denial that I do not recognize yet? Perhaps. I probably do.

I don’t really understand the psychology behind denial. It seems counter-intuitive to self-preservation, yet we use it for this very reason every day. If prey were to be in denial about the predator bearing down on them, they would be eaten. Why should it be any different for us?

I have a long and bitter history with denial; one that spans generations, and more recently as a factor in the breakdown of my marriage.

As you know, my journey these last couple of months has been one to confront denial in the physical aspects of my life. I am facing up to my failures and striving to be more honest with myself. Did I eat poorly? Yes. Did I make a bad choice? Yes.

The difference now is that I am still moving forward.

The pressure is on

Things are heating up. There is a definite zero-day by which I want to look my best, and it is fast approaching. For me, zero day is the last week in June. That gives me about a month to drop as much weight as possible, keep up my discipline, and keep pushing my workout routine.

I haven’t disappointed myself too much lately; I’ve been excelling at the exercise, doing relatively well on the diet, and been trying to squeeze in extra workouts when I can. Today I did some heavy shoveling-type of yardwork, and did a 3 mile bike ride; every day I am doing some kind of workout that makes me look back and say “Wow, I kicked ass. No regrets.”

I’ve been displaying an uncharacteristic discipline in avoiding eating like a fat kid as well. There are cookies in the house; haven’t touched them. There is cherry coke; haven’t gone near it. For the most part I’ve been sticking to the proper ratio of carbs/protein/fat. It’s beginning to pay off for real; at this point there is a definite noticeable weight loss and I can see it in many different ways.

The weight will definitely come off; I started to see that tonight as I got into a rhythm; there comes a point when you stop and look at what you’re doing, and you realize just how much you’ve changed. I reached that point tonight. I am actually working out. I am actually losing weight. I’m becoming more focused, more disciplined, and more determined to reach my goal; at this point, it’s just cake. Even if I just kept pace with what I’m doing right now I’d still be doing really well; however, I think it’s just going to get better and better as the weeks go on.

Shenanigans are afoot. I aim to be ready for them.

Pushing it

I biked ten miles today. I decided to bike instead of running, and I think I’m switching for now.

The workout was intense; much more strenuous than running (I was dripping sweat), and for a much longer period of sustained movement (my runs are about 15 minutes). I think overall biking is going to be a better way for me to lose weight and increase endurance and fitness than running. I am too big to run right now, and it’s a killer on my knees and back.

During the ride, I got into a serious rhythm and, despite the strain and pain, I felt like I was really accomplishing something when I got into the groove. My roommate came with me and at one point I said to him “Can you even imagine me doing this two months ago?” to which he just barked “Ha!”.

You know, this blog has gotten awfully boring. Remember why I’m doing this?

I have been talking with a very, very sexy lady lately, and tonight she sent me some extremely explicit text messages that got my blood boiling. We ended up chatting for a while and I ended up writing what was essentially a piece of intense erotic fiction. It was so hot that I turned myself on, and she later told me that it had her literally writhing in her chair. I wasn’t plotting it out though—the stream-of-consciousness piece that I was writing was a testament to how sexually charged I’ve become. She knows it, and I know it, that what I wrote down is precisely what would go down should we ever chance to meet (yes, this is an internet tryst). It feels like I have lightning inside of me, and trust me, dear readers, it is barely contained.

It is nights like this that really sustain my efforts and keep me going. How bad did this fat kid want a chocolate cookie cake thing tonight for dessert? Not worse than I want to chew the pants off of this girl I’ve been talking to. How bad did I want to have a couple of beers tonight? Not worse than I want to be wrapped around and entwined with a woman who wants me.

It’s a sultry, warm spring night, my friends. If you have the chance to get out there and fulfill a fantasy, do it. Wrap your lips around it, grab it with your hands, pull it closer, put it in you, on you, all over you. Take the one you want to be with, and who wants to be with you, and revel in their scent, their touch, their wetness. Sparkle and shine and gasp and grab and yank and lick and be with each other. We’re all sexy. Get yours.