When @Brian and I started this site in 2004 while a college student in my home state of Pennsylvania, I hadn't yet even acknowledged I am gay. This past Saturday I was married to my boyfriend of more than five years, Aaron. The reading was from Obergefell v. Hodges which got a standing ovation from 150 of our friends and family here in Detroit. What a journey it's been.
When I first started with Buddhism, I was obsessed. I made a Buddha shrine right away and told my monk I was interested in being a monk. I immediately jumped to eating only once a day and meditating an hour a day. I also was extremely compassionate, volunteering at a soup kitchen once a week and doing my job motivated by compassion. I kept the five precepts, trying not to take what wasn't given to me and not telling the slightest lie. My meditations were strong then and I felt like I could love almost anybody. I was happy.
Now, I have a meditation room where I try to meditate for only 30 minutes a day but I fail to make it a daily practice out of apathy and disinterest. I'll have days where I'm obsessed and I mold my life around the dhamma and am at much peace. But those are only on days where my mind is numb to the idea of how I view Buddhism most of the time, as a cult that believes that you either burn for eons or deprive yourself of a human life so you can fade into nothingness. On the days that my mind forgets about it, I am happy and peaceful, but most of the time, I think about how scary the whole concept is and get disenchanted by meditation and cut off my daily practice. It's a constant fluctuation between 'love and peace' and uncontrollable fear and wishful doubt. That's what happens when my mind starts running on Buddhism intellectually is it looks for any excuse to not believe in Buddhism so I can live my apathetic, pointless life without burden by strict morals and fear of existence. I've spent countless hours with my phone in my face trying to convince myself that Buddhism is not real and I can peacefully float on a pointless adventure.
I really don't know which one I prefer but I know I want clarity, commitment, and acceptance. If I choose to meditate, I want to be motivated to meditate every day through a lack of doubt. If I choose to live pointlessly, I'll probably pick up drinking and find ways to maintain an adrenaline-junky lifestyle. Either option I'm okay with, I just want my experience with it to be doubtless.
I've been practice for almost three years and I am of the Theravadin tradition and my teacher is Sri Lankan.
Thank you for the help, guys.