Something occurred to me today. Well, the realization has been building up the last few weeks, but since I started meditating I have been waiting to have an experience. That's what's been holding me back. I had a really cool experience years ago where my body dropped away and I was just this empty space, at total peace....quite mind-blowing really. This is the kind of shit I paid for in my early 20's! But I have been waiting for a repeat of this ever since. Of course I didn't tell myself that, but deep down this is what my ego wanted. Even in meditation I was still trying to escape.
But that isn't the only realization...the main one has been coming for sometime, that I'm actually way more anxious than I ever thought. I had fooled myself into thinking I was some real laid back guy...I am about some things...but now I see it clear as day on and off the cushion. I can trace most of my problems to anxiety. Too many to mention here! So now, instead of trying to get away from that feeling in meditation, I sit with it and feel it in my stomach, rising up to my throat, coursing through my chest and shoulders. So I just sit and watch the anxiety. That's it really. I regard this personally as quite a breakthrough for me.