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Please be patient with me
If I wasn't getting messages every day telling me to kill myself, things would be a little easier. To tell the truth, that really really hurts, that the person I loved would not only let that happen, but actively and deliberately encourage and condone it. Waking up every morning knowing that the person I would have given my life willingly and without hesitation for, hates me so much that she actually wants me dead - that continues to be a shock to me, every day.
I keep trying to understand how someone can be that way, what the reason is, what it is that enables someone to be that way towards a person who loved them - and I can't do it. I just can't do it. I just can't imagine hating anyone that much, even the people who now want me dead. Sorry to bring you guys down, but I just get so tired of all the lies, the omissions, the exagerations and the threats, and the brutal reality that the person I gave everything I had to, and who's children I considered as my own, now sees me as the devil incarnate and never seems to hesitate for even a moment to question how she can want to hurt me as much as she does - that sometimes feels unbearable. I know she's ill. I still care, but even so, to want to destroy someone in that way...
I'm not looking for a solution here, I know this is something I need to face and live with but right now, it hurts so much. I'd willingly swap the most intense physical pain I've ever had than feel what I'm feeling. I have no choice of course, to not feel it, to run away from it, or pretend that everything's okay - that would do far more damage, but being with this, sitting with this, feels at times like putting my hand in a fire and leaving it there. I keep asking myself how I missed the obvious abusiveness of the situation, how I would rationalise other's disfunction and my own disfunction in permitting things to be as they were. I keep asking myself just how much I was in contact with reality and the honest answer is that I don't know.
So, I'm not in a good place right now. I see small children and can't help bursting into tears. I remember little things like running after the mail van because my partner had been so looking forward to getting a package and we'd missed it. I ran nearly a quarter of a mile maybe, and felt like absolute crap, but it was worth it just to see her face when she got her package. I remember her telling me that nobody had ever bought her decent perfume. I asked what she liked, went out the door, walked to the nearest store that stocked it and bought the biggest bottle they had.
I still remember planting seeds last year in the garden with the kids, which the children had never done before, and they loved it, they understood about taking care of things, about nurturing things, far more than children of that age normally do, their eyes shone and they were even more radiant than usual, and that too bought tears to my eyes. We would go out when they got back from school or at weekends whilst their mother was in bed and just spend time looking at the plants - the Japanese Morning glory's with their unique coloring and deep, deep blue that made the children stare and their mouths fall open, the sunflowers, that were supposed to be a dwarf species and that grew to about 8 or 9 feet tall and that the children and I would stare at to see the heads follow the sun. And then one day, the children were saddened when we found a dead bird, so I took it back with us and did a little memorial - nothing over the top - a candle and incense for the children to light, chanting the heart sutra (which the kids of course understood immediately) and wishing for a happy rebirth for the little being that we were attending to. After that, the kids would look for dead birds just so they could do the "ritooal", as they called it. It made sense to them that things come into being and that they die. They could handle that, they could handle being able say goodbye when they were involved, when it wasn't hidden and covered up and sanitized, when it was simple and clear and emotion was okay.
Thinking back, I seem to have done an awful lot of crying over the last couple of years - but often they weren't tears of sadness. I remember too seeing this gorgeous black velvet - expensive black velvet, that I really couldn't afford, but I could see Annie wearing a black velvet dress - she just loved black velvet and I had to buy it. I wanted nothing more than to make her that dress and for her to know that I'd made it myself, because she deserved it.
And now I remember how she said, when I finally had enough about being taken for granted and being expected to care for two disfunctional people, that I was only there to clean and look after the children, that I was not part of the family and never had been, that she didn't like me and found me repulsive and that when I refused to be treated as a servant and to be taken for granted - I was then treated as though I were simply a burden to be tossed aside, of no more use to her. I was told, not for the first time, that my eating 'her' food was a "burden" to her and, as that was a continuing issue, no matter how much I contributed or had done, I then kept to mostly eating just one meal a day. In retrospect, that itself was highly disfunctional on my part, but I have a deep resistance to being a burden on anyone.I seem to be dealing with several different people, some of them aspects of myself, some of them parts of Annie, none of them fixed, but I loved all of those parts of Annie, regardless of faults, sometimes because of them.
If I'm not very communicative with some of you right now, please be patient with me. I'm probably making very little sense at all and, in my own clumsy way, want you guys to know how very much I value your support, whether financial, emotional, or just listening while I get this out in the light. You have all been very good friends to me and I am deeply in your debt - all of you. And I for one, never forget my friends.
In Deep Gassho
Genryu
I keep trying to understand how someone can be that way, what the reason is, what it is that enables someone to be that way towards a person who loved them - and I can't do it. I just can't do it. I just can't imagine hating anyone that much, even the people who now want me dead. Sorry to bring you guys down, but I just get so tired of all the lies, the omissions, the exagerations and the threats, and the brutal reality that the person I gave everything I had to, and who's children I considered as my own, now sees me as the devil incarnate and never seems to hesitate for even a moment to question how she can want to hurt me as much as she does - that sometimes feels unbearable. I know she's ill. I still care, but even so, to want to destroy someone in that way...
I'm not looking for a solution here, I know this is something I need to face and live with but right now, it hurts so much. I'd willingly swap the most intense physical pain I've ever had than feel what I'm feeling. I have no choice of course, to not feel it, to run away from it, or pretend that everything's okay - that would do far more damage, but being with this, sitting with this, feels at times like putting my hand in a fire and leaving it there. I keep asking myself how I missed the obvious abusiveness of the situation, how I would rationalise other's disfunction and my own disfunction in permitting things to be as they were. I keep asking myself just how much I was in contact with reality and the honest answer is that I don't know.
So, I'm not in a good place right now. I see small children and can't help bursting into tears. I remember little things like running after the mail van because my partner had been so looking forward to getting a package and we'd missed it. I ran nearly a quarter of a mile maybe, and felt like absolute crap, but it was worth it just to see her face when she got her package. I remember her telling me that nobody had ever bought her decent perfume. I asked what she liked, went out the door, walked to the nearest store that stocked it and bought the biggest bottle they had.
I still remember planting seeds last year in the garden with the kids, which the children had never done before, and they loved it, they understood about taking care of things, about nurturing things, far more than children of that age normally do, their eyes shone and they were even more radiant than usual, and that too bought tears to my eyes. We would go out when they got back from school or at weekends whilst their mother was in bed and just spend time looking at the plants - the Japanese Morning glory's with their unique coloring and deep, deep blue that made the children stare and their mouths fall open, the sunflowers, that were supposed to be a dwarf species and that grew to about 8 or 9 feet tall and that the children and I would stare at to see the heads follow the sun. And then one day, the children were saddened when we found a dead bird, so I took it back with us and did a little memorial - nothing over the top - a candle and incense for the children to light, chanting the heart sutra (which the kids of course understood immediately) and wishing for a happy rebirth for the little being that we were attending to. After that, the kids would look for dead birds just so they could do the "ritooal", as they called it. It made sense to them that things come into being and that they die. They could handle that, they could handle being able say goodbye when they were involved, when it wasn't hidden and covered up and sanitized, when it was simple and clear and emotion was okay.
Thinking back, I seem to have done an awful lot of crying over the last couple of years - but often they weren't tears of sadness. I remember too seeing this gorgeous black velvet - expensive black velvet, that I really couldn't afford, but I could see Annie wearing a black velvet dress - she just loved black velvet and I had to buy it. I wanted nothing more than to make her that dress and for her to know that I'd made it myself, because she deserved it.
And now I remember how she said, when I finally had enough about being taken for granted and being expected to care for two disfunctional people, that I was only there to clean and look after the children, that I was not part of the family and never had been, that she didn't like me and found me repulsive and that when I refused to be treated as a servant and to be taken for granted - I was then treated as though I were simply a burden to be tossed aside, of no more use to her. I was told, not for the first time, that my eating 'her' food was a "burden" to her and, as that was a continuing issue, no matter how much I contributed or had done, I then kept to mostly eating just one meal a day. In retrospect, that itself was highly disfunctional on my part, but I have a deep resistance to being a burden on anyone.I seem to be dealing with several different people, some of them aspects of myself, some of them parts of Annie, none of them fixed, but I loved all of those parts of Annie, regardless of faults, sometimes because of them.
If I'm not very communicative with some of you right now, please be patient with me. I'm probably making very little sense at all and, in my own clumsy way, want you guys to know how very much I value your support, whether financial, emotional, or just listening while I get this out in the light. You have all been very good friends to me and I am deeply in your debt - all of you. And I for one, never forget my friends.
In Deep Gassho
Genryu
0
Comments
It sounds like part of the shock is that you feel you were "out of touch" with the reality you were in. It sounds like part of the shock is that your dedication to know "things as it is" was not fully grounded. I say "not fully grounded" because perhaps you did see "things as it is" but from a different perspective. You generously gave your partner a very selfless love--a love she accepted differently from the way you gave it. Giving love is not the same as receiving love. Giving love selflessly seems similar to dedicating your achieved merit to another. You give not to receive but in order to deepen your ability to continue giving of yourself even more.
Have you considered that the selfelss dedication, the selfless love you gave embodies the complete giving to another you wrote about on your blog sometime ago? Isn't this the embodiment of bodhisattva practice? Doesn't this embody the practice of "abandoning hope of fruition"? Perhaps your current pain is not the pain of another's malicious intent but your own pain about attachment?
These are thoughts I've had as I've been following your blog. Keep pulling yourself out of despair again and again.
I have faith in you. You are a kind and gentle soul. You are also hard as nails. Hold on. Do what you can. Be gentle with yourself. Do what you've been doing. Do the best you can. That's all. Nothing else.
You are not indebted to us under any obligation from our part...
Know - as I know - that this site, for warmth, generosity, Love and Compassion is, in my opinion, incomparable.
Hard as it may be to believe, for every woe, sadness and evil that besets us, there is more good, more kindness and more generosity than you could ever wish for.
All we can do, is to be here for you.
And 24/7, that's what we are.
You will never know how wonderful it is for me, to see you posting once again.:ukflag:
this will be of litttle consolation,but i went through similar many years ago after the break up of first marraige.
then i met my teacher,ven myokyoni,whom you know well.
you have helped, encouraged and kicked my little butt many a time, but i can offer no words which would help,as you well know.
you do have my eyes and ears old friend with all the patience you require.
gassho
(shoey)
Gassho.
Narda
What a beautiful post. I've been following your blog as well and wanted you to know how much you're loved and cherished. As Fede said, we're here 24/7. Lean on us.
With great love,
Brigid
As we have talked before... you're not alone.
While there are some details about your situation that are specific to you - I do know where you are coming from.
There are some things, despite all of our teachings, all of our knowledge, all of our rationale - that can only be healed by time.
I wish you the best, my friend. If there is anything I can do - I hope I can help in some small way.
It's good to have you here.
-bf
Be patient with yourself.
You don't have to be, or feel, any way. Not for those at newbuddhist, not even for yourself. There's no right way to feel, and no timetable for emotional recovery. But this too will pass.
Martin.
Steve
I have felt like you before-granted it wasn't as bad-but I understand you. I think my greatest sorrow is for those wonderful children-they are being trained/mindf***ed by the mother-her illness is affecting them. That is really unfortunate.
I am married to a child of a sick mother, and one cold say a similar thing about my own mother, lets just hope and pray that they survive well. and best wishes to the mother for her to get well, also.
Best wishes-PM me if you like.
P.S. I would gassho, but my back hurts!
P.P.S. I was going to send you $10, but I'd already sealed the envelope....oh that's right , this is email....
古池や蛙飛込む水の音
an old pond— the sound of a frog jumping into water
B-Rad
Howya doing - ??!?
(Just trying to grab your attention, there....
I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Like others have said, just remember that this WILL pass. And we are all here for you. I know you brought so much joy to those children, and they will always remember that. You were a wonderful teacher to them.
We will be as patient with you as you need us to be.
Lots of love,
Kim
Sharpie
I am so very sorry that you are feeling this pain. . Please be gentle with yourself and allow the healing to take place.
If you need anything - I'm just an email away.
Namaste,
Michelle
The pain you speak of is very familiar to me.
I have wanted to respond to your post, but have avoided doing so until now, mainly because I need to get straight what I should say. But here goes.
I was married to a woman who was (and still is) in my opinion, ill. She was abusive towards me - not physically but emotionally. By the end of relationship she was very cruel, and at one point invaded my home when I wasn't there, trashing my belongings and ripping up photos of my family members. Several friends and family witnessed her bouts of rage.
The common bond I feel with you is that I didn't see it clearly either. I lived with her strange behaviour because I thought (a) all relationships are difficult (aren't they?) (b) she had a bad childhood / abusive father, so cut her some slack and (c) I patted myself on the back for being so patient with her.
I learned a few things: I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. Mental illness is definitely contagious. Blind faith is still blind.
Anyway, long story short, the marital break-up included the break-up of my sanity until I discovered the Buddha's wisdom. That was a major turning point in my life. I stopped struggling with her and started looking at myself.
Until that point, I saw the problem as being her. It wasn't until I looked at myself that I started to escape the pain. I have taken reponsibility for my actions, but she has not (yet).
Zenmonk, you are more experienced than I am on the Middle Way and have far more knowledge and insight than I have. My crisis was the impetus for my own discovery of the Dharma. Perhaps yours is an opportunity for a kind of renewal for you.
I sense you are on the edge of a very positive and constructive period. My own spritual awakening came during the darkest period of my life, out of a very bad relationship.
I suggest you seize this as a learning opportunity. You have more wisdom than you give yourself credit for.
Sit and breathe.
Adam.
I just saw this post. May waves of metta come over you and blanket you in the love and comfort you deserve at this time. And the strength to overcome this situation.
Just know I'm sitting right next to you in spirit. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I'm a pretty good listener.
Not that this helps you - but it helped me to know that someone who I am acquainted with could perhaps understand the subtleties of this horrible situation.
I wish we could sit down together in person and talk :-/
I am sorry to read of your troubles. I will light a candle for you if you would like me to do so. Just let me know. Take care.
Adiana
And Brian, I'd like to sit down and talk too. Though on my side it would probably be simple and fairly brief - how can someone that I loved and that I thought loved me, within the space of a month suddenly see me as someone that should be dead and then believe that that's a healthy or perfectly acceptable way to feel? How could someone that I loved, and gave up my home, my career and my country for, whose children I loved as my own, throw me out on two days notice and then try to destroy me emotionally, psychologically and financially (as well as physically), still not see that they have a real problem and that the cause was not me?
Last time I contacted her, it was to ask for some pictures of her and the children, so that I would have something to remember them by. I miss the children so very much. That is one of the hardest things for me still. Apparently that request was seen as 'stalking'. I say apparantly because I was told this by one of my ex's internet boyfriends, who still continues almost daily to send me threats and hate mail on my ex's behalf, which in itself I think would make a fairly rational person realize that my ex has a real problem and seeks other dysfunctional people to validate her own condition. There are other issues and that might be oversimplifying the situation of course, but these, for me, are core points that keep coming up.
What I have come to see is how much I rationalised how very disconnected from reality my ex was, even when it was pointed out to me by those who actually knew both of us offline, and by her own parents, and how disconnected I was too by allowing the situation that developed to develop as it did, and to allow the abuse that did happen to go unaddressed, and not to see that what I dismissed as immaturity and a measure of selfishness, that would, with time and with work on her circumstances and self image, begin to heal, were in fact symptoms of something much deeper and much more serious.
I loved her and that for me was reason enough to go on. It was, I have to admit now, neither healthy nor wise. So I don't know if there's much that resonates there with your experience. I certainly hope not Brian. One thing I continually struggle to understand is simply how one human being can treat another this way and I cannot find an answer. Even for those I dislike, I can't even imagine treating them in such a way. And that's not to say that I haven't had some of the thoughts that you have. I have and still do.
But, I do understand pain a little better now. I understand having to take a long hard look at myself, my perceptions, my memories, the way I am with people, my own selfishness and projection, and with my present state/s, and to avoid the temptation to simply see myself as a victim, or to slip into the 'easy' solution of labelling Annie as evil, which I don't . I also understand getting angry - at myself, at my ex, at the various idiots who gave her 'advice' without ever having even met me, and without ever bothering to try and find out what the real situation was, that led to what, for her, will ultimately prove to be disastrously unhealthy decisions and for me - well starting over again in a foreign country for one thing, and dealing with things as they are now - which is something I'm still getting used to every day. I feel immensely sorry for her and know that she truly has no idea what she's done, nor what effects her actions will have on her life and, longer term, on the children too.
It hurts more than anything I've ever felt in my life, and I thought I'd been through some measure of ego death at some points, only to discover that in fact, I'd simply touched the tip of that. It's a very sobering lesson. I'd like to offer advice and say that time helps but frankly - I don't have a damn clue and sometimes I'm still a mess. If you do ever want to talk though, I'd be happy to give you my number. If nothing else, I've learnt to be able to shut up and listen sometimes.
I know the way you can get
when you have not had a drink of love.
Your face hardens, your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
about a strange look that appears in your eyes,
which even begins to worry your own mirror and nose.
Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
and call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
to help your mind and soul.
Even angels fear that brand of madness
that arrays itself against the world
and throws sharp stones and spears into the innocent
and into one's self...
Oh, I know the way you can get
if you have not been out drinking love.
You might rip apart
every sentence your friends and teachers say,
looking for hidden clauses.
You might weigh every word on a scale
like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler
to measure from every angle in your darkness
the beautiful dimensions of a heart you once trusted.
I know the way you can get
if you have not had a drink from love's hands.
This is why all the great ones
speak of the vital need to keep remembering the Absolute,
so you will come to know and see It
as being so playful, and wanting,
just wanting to help.
- Hafiz
zenmonk_genryu
Tired of Speaking Sweetly
Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.
If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.
Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth
That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,
Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.
God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.
But when we hear
He is in such a "playful drunken mood"
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.
From: 'The Gift'
By Hafiz
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky
Thank you from me too!
As you are probably very well aware by now, the saying "time helps" or "time heals" - but, from some experiences like this that I've endured - we have to be prepared to live through that time that is providing the healing.
And sometimes... it sure seems like a looooooooooooong time. I was thinking that "time" meant a couple of months... not years.
Work, friends, family, hobbies, taking care of yourself, a sangha, the dharma, the teachings of Buddha... well, I'm sure you both are aware of their properties.
I keep you both in my thoughts. I wish there was more I could do.
-bf
-bf
sorry.. but couldnt help myself..
the diary is what got me!.. geeeesh.. im feeling angry for you.. i will go there myself.
strut in and get the stuff..
tell me where she lives???? GGGRRR
ZM... As I too know (to a far lesser degree, mind you) what it feels like when the brown malodorous matter hits the rotating ventilator, coming onto this forum has put an idiot-grin on my face as a permanent fixture. These guys rock.
And Colleen... If I lived five minutes away from you, I would stand shoulder to shoulder with you, and go kick ass on ZM's behalf, too...
"...Don't make me angry.... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry....."
I wonder what the karmic effects of raising a rabble are? :eekblue: