Right livelihood and the desire for change
At my base, I am happy. No matter if things are going well or horrible I can still touch the reality of impermanence and the joy of simply being. However, I have this desire that gets stronger the more I practice. It's a desire that deepens as I let go of my desire and so this is something that still confuses me.
I had my dream job for a while working in the entertainment industry but had to get out of it when my wife got sick. Now I work fixing trailer systems that have been smashed and though I enjoy the work, I miss being passionate about what I do.
The thing of it is, I don't care about the music industry anymore. Not like I used to anyways. I enjoy music and am glad it's around as an expression but it just doesn't feel right as a way of living for me anymore.
I've decided to take a big chance and go back to school to become a PSW (personal support worker) and eventually take the proper course of action to land a job at a hospital even if I have to start out as a porter while I do more schooling.
I will have to get another loan and I'm almost 40... Where I work is going to be mad and won't do much to help me.
Am I being stupid by throwing away a job (even though the working conditions are quite lacking, there are no benefits/retirement plan and there is alot of racist undertones) because of this desire for proper livelihood? Am I just trying to make myself feel good by wanting to get into the healthcare field? Just because it stems from a want to help allieviate others suffering, does that make it any less of a desire to be overcome?
On the one hand I feel I will be letting people down by leaving my job but on the other I feel that if I stay and forget about going into healthcare I will be shirking a greater responsibility.
It feels like the right thing to do so does that mean I am being fooled by ego or is it ok to actually use our inter-being/inter-dependance to help ourselves by helping others (or vice versa I suppose)?