compassion

Wisdom23

I have no trouble in showing kindness to others what i struggle with is loving myself i recently discovrred during meditation all my worries all my problems stem from low self esteem i would be ever so greatful if you could offer sone advice or point me in the direction of some good self help material

many thanks

person

If you can show kindness towards others. Try to treat yourself the way you would treat the people you care about. What would it be like if you talked to others the way you talk to yourself? Or conversly talked to yourself the way you talk to others?

fivebells

Do metta for yourself.

Tosh

From my own experience I found that getting involved in helping others - really getting involved - not just sitting on a mat and wishing happiness on all sentient beings changed things for me.

As I started practising compassion - real hands on helping others; not just giving money, but my time and myself - I discovered that I'm not just a nasty piece of work, that I actually am human with a heart and care for others. Obviously this meant that my self concept of myself changed from someone who thought little of himself, to someone who is actually a decent human being.

I also find that thinking about others beats the pants out of worrying about my own little self centred troubles.

So, my advice is go and help some people and watch how your self esteem - your self concept - changes. Loving others will give you the ability to love yourself.

Just my thoughts.

how

There are endless things to read to feel better about ones worth but as you are already meditating, you are already mastering the most effacacious means to solve your problem.

The most direct way to soften the disparity between applying compassion outside as opposed to within is to meditatively examine the delusion that there is a real outside that is separated from the inside. Doing that will allow the obscuring veils to fade and show that
real compassion, like tenderness, empathy, sympathy and love is just the absence of an obstructing ego or identity. Unveiling and letting go of the various habitual means by which we empower our ego is the solution.
It sounds like your meditation is already heading you in that direction.

lobster

Treat yourself well, you deserve it

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
― Siddhārtha Gautama

Create some positive reminders and loops . . .
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard
http://www.freeaffirmations.org/love-yourself-positive-affirmations

An unhealthy or toxic ego is detrimental to overcoming negativity in ourselves and if mahayanists in others.

waffles

Everything that everyone has said here is gorgeous advice that I think you should and would have already listened too

I will say though that I'm sure there are many great things about you!
Maybe spend some time thinking of all the positive things that are currently part of your personality & 'self'?

Just not too much time or you will have a new problem!

David

The more you help others, the more you will be able to see your own self worth.

Til then, fake it til you make it, as they say. If you don't treat yourself properly, how will you be at your best to help me?

Feeling kind of cheeky today, sorry.

FoibleFull

I read that sociologists say that 97% of families are dysfunctional ... so it I suppose that it is not unusual that 97% of us are dysfunctional, and self-esteem is usually the first place we suffer from that.

Compassion starts with ourselves. In other words, until we feel compassion for ourselves, we cannot truly feel compassion for others. That is what I have heard from Buddhist teachers.

Yes, it is mindfulness meditation that helps us develop compassion. We have to allow ourselves to open up to, and observe, our inner processes, what goes on inside us. It is good that you are aware of your self-esteem issues ... dig a little deeper, and you will see the pain that causes the sense of low self-esteem. No, you don't have to remember what specifically created that pain. Buddhism is not Freudian Insight Therapy. Just become aware OF the existence of your pain.

Then extend compassion to yourself. Feel great love for this unfortunate being who suffers so. Observe, and you will begin to see how our attachments and aversions are the cause of our suffering, and feel compassion for our ignorance.
We are not "more-special" than others. We suffer from the same ignorance that every other unenlightened being suffers from. And fear, pain, and suffering ... all beings feel that, even the earthworms (they just don't have the cognitive structure we do, to put it into thoughts).

Once we see and begin to feel compassion for our own pain, for our own selves, then self-judgment and self-dislike stops. And we can begin to see that others are in the same boat as us. We are indeed all the same, as the Dalai Lama says. And that is when compassion for others truly begins.
This is what I have been taught. Wish it was my own insight .. but I'm not that wise!

zenff

Low self esteem is at the core not solved with improving it. Like money, some people never have enough.
Or you could succeed and start feeling morally or spiritually superior to other people and become arrogant.
Great, that’s just what we need; another Buddhist Superman.

The real solution is a resolute “dropping off of body and mind”. Don’t believe any thought at all. Practice for the sake of practice.

What you deserve is liberation; nothing less.

FoibleFull

I just want to add, that it is not a matter of trying to develop self-worth. Buddhism is not about feel-good band-aids. It is about working with what actually is, with things as they are. About stepping off that merry-go-round and seeing the bigger picture.
To try to develop self-worth is to go in the opposite direction of enlightenment.

However, the more you develop compassion, the more joy you experience when you help any other sentient being. However, it is a bittersweet joy, also full of pain, because you become more aware of, you yourself feel, how the other being suffers. Pema Chodron says it is like unrequited love ... that feeling of joy and sorrow mixed together. That it is a feeling of being fully present and totally alive and open to life, to this very moment. Total mindfulness of everything that is going on.

lobster

There is a big difference between the absolute and the pragmatic. So the sense of personal capacity may need enhancing, even though that is a temporary condition. The important thing is everyone is worthwhile. Everyone has worth. This has to be the foundation of practice. You have to know and emotively feel your intrinsic capacity.

Not only do we have the potential for Buddha hood, it is also the most worthy goal. The most intrinsic way to enable others. None of us are other or lesser. We are worthy of our best efforts, nurturing and attention. :thumbsup:

Wisdom23

Tosh said:

From my own experience I found that getting involved in helping others - really getting involved - not just sitting on a mat and wishing happiness on all sentient beings changed things for me.

As I started practising compassion - real hands on helping others; not just giving money, but my time and myself - I discovered that I'm not just a nasty piece of work, that I actually am human with a heart and care for others. Obviously this meant that my self concept of myself changed from someone who thought little of himself, to someone who is actually a decent human being.

I also find that thinking about others beats the pants out of worrying about my own little self centred troubles.

So, my advice is go and help some people and watch how your self esteem - your self concept - changes. Loving others will give you the ability to love yourself.

Just my thoughts.

hi, thank you ever so much for your response. i would just like to say that my job is helping others lol. I work in a college helping those who have special educational needs and when i am not focused on what other think of me love it ever so much. The problem i guess is i look to others for their approval far to much and i cannot really look to myself for a well done and i am always worriedon what others think of me lol all i really need is some self esteem, confidence isn't really an issue i can for example walk into a room and talk to group of people i have never met before. I just don't view myself with much love.

Sorry for babbling on and thank you again

Wisdom23

Thanks, New Buddhist-ers lol all such words of wisdom. It probably doesn't help that i have had a few busy weeks at work and as a result my spiritual practise has, suffered. But i just want to thank you, the words you have spoken have rehighlighted some long lost basic principals that should be at the for front of my mind lol

Much Love

Glow

Is there a venue in your life where you are unconsciously perpetuating a cycle of self-harm? What I mean by that is, are there some ways in which you are telling yourself "I do not deserve to be happy" or "I deserve to suffer?"

This may sound like a strange question, but I often find that many people walk around with a lot of internalized violence, that then turns into a sort of masochism that plays out in their spiritual practice. It may manifest as extending yourself too much beyond what you are comfortable/capable of (at work/school/by volunteering/etc.); it may be denying yourself some pleasures, such as spending time with friends or doing pleasurable activities that you like; or it may play out only in your mind, where you tell yourself you do not deserve to be happy.

The Buddha, as lobster pointed out, said that you (just like everyone else) deserve happiness. And although spiritual happiness transcends worldly pleasures (the three f-words: friends, food, and ****ing, lol), we need to start where we are: we are worldly beings, first and foremost. Renouncing the world prematurely will only perpetuate the cycle of self-denial. Start where you are: that is, take stock of what it is that you enjoy NOW. What makes you happy? It's useless to pretend that the things that make us happy don't make us happy. That's a form od self-deception and cruelty. Take stock, also, of any ways in which you are being cruel to yourself, or perhaps harming others (and thus perpetuating a sense of guilt). This is the sila aspect of self-compassion, to which the meditation and contemplative wings will be complements.

Glow

FoibleFull said:

I just want to add, that it is not a matter of trying to develop self-worth. Buddhism is not about feel-good band-aids. It is about working with what actually is, with things as they are. About stepping off that merry-go-round and seeing the bigger picture.
To try to develop self-worth is to go in the opposite direction of enlightenment.

However, the more you develop compassion, the more joy you experience when you help any other sentient being. However, it is a bittersweet joy, also full of pain, because you become more aware of, you yourself feel, how the other being suffers. Pema Chodron says it is like unrequited love ... that feeling of joy and sorrow mixed together. That it is a feeling of being fully present and totally alive and open to life, to this very moment. Total mindfulness of everything that is going on.

It's not about developing a sense of reactionary self-worth as a band-aid. However, it is about acknowledging the innate self-worth you and all sentient beings have by birthright. Without this understanding, our practice devolves into masochism and martyr-syndrome.

Wisdom23

Glow said:

Is there a venue in your life where you are unconsciously perpetuating a cycle of self-harm? What I mean by that is, are there some ways in which you are telling yourself "I do not deserve to be happy" or "I deserve to suffer?"

This may sound like a strange question, but I often find that many people walk around with a lot of internalized violence, that then turns into a sort of masochism that plays out in their spiritual practice. It may manifest as extending yourself too much beyond what you are comfortable/capable of (at work/school/by volunteering/etc.); it may be denying yourself some pleasures, such as spending time with friends or doing pleasurable activities that you like; or it may play out only in your mind, where you tell yourself you do not deserve to be happy.

The Buddha, as lobster pointed out, said that you (just like everyone else) deserve happiness. And although spiritual happiness transcends worldly pleasures (the three f-words: friends, food, and ****ing, lol), we need to start where we are: we are worldly beings, first and foremost. Renouncing the world prematurely will only perpetuate the cycle of self-denial. Start where you are: that is, take stock of what it is that you enjoy NOW. What makes you happy? It's useless to pretend that the things that make us happy don't make us happy. That's a form od self-deception and cruelty. Take stock, also, of any ways in which you are being cruel to yourself, or perhaps harming others (and thus perpetuating a sense of guilt). This is the sila aspect of self-compassion, to which the meditation and contemplative wings will be complements.

Wow, thems is some powerful words. Thank you that actually reallu helps. P.S loving your avatar/display pic lol

All the best

Glow

We've all got a little Homer in us. :P All the best on your journey, Wisdom23.

lobster

Much Love

I too have abandoned my practice, due to the pressure of being a Buddhist. I think I may be a little more shellfish [sic] and develop a meta-practice. Maybe I could visualise myself radiating Metta in a future moment of happiness?

Be Kind To all Selves and Elves