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An Open Letter to the Septics, from Her Maj the Queen...

ToshTosh Veteran
edited November 2012 in General Banter
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
lobsterBhanteLuckyDaozencazkarastiRebeccaSzenffsndymornVastmindDaltheJigsaw

Comments

  • Welcome back USA. :wave:

  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    We call them freedom fries now, not french fries.

    image
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    LOL I might have gotten the best laugh out of the headline "An Open Letter to the Septics" America is just a big septic tank, I guess!
  • It's Cockney rhyming slang, Karasti. It's a bit rude and derogatory, but it's offered in humour. You know how Cockney's may say "Up the apple and pairs" (stairs), well Septic Tank = Yank, which is a general name the British call the 'mericans.

    I hope it doesn't offend; maybe I shouldn't have used that term?
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    not offensive to me :) I find it funny, thank you for explaining it!
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    edited November 2012
    I had a laugh, though I must point out that it is very "American" how the U.K.sians fancy themselves as superior in every way to us. Oh well, at least now I can call you a Limey. All's fair.
    Toshlobster
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    Very good! :thumbsup:

    What about one for us convicts?? ;)
    andyrobyn
  • WoooHoo!! Do we all get universal health care now?? :D
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    Sure. And a prince that's almost as big a disgrace than the Prince of Thailand!
  • BeejBeej Human Being Veteran
    hmmmm.... after watching the olympic opening ceremonies, I wouldn't openly admit to anyone that I was British, if I was, witch I'm not. What was the message to the world in that ceremony? Was it: "Hey! Look at how we spread this dispicable culture all over the globe! Yay! We're so gawdy!"?
    ToshRebeccaS
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    MaryAnne said:

    WoooHoo!! Do we all get universal health care now?? :D


    Oh yus, they will all come under the National 'Elf ( but waiting times might go up )
    :D
  • ZenBadgerZenBadger Derbyshire, UK Veteran
    This one has been in circulation since the "hanging chad" election of 2000. It started in the USA and has been compared to Benjamin Franklin's "An Open Letter to Lord North" but without the wit. There are subtle clues as to its American origin, the biggest one being the use of the phrase "internal revenue agent", over here we have "inland revenue officers", an agent is someone entirely different, more akin to what the USA would call a "broker". The use of "ize" instead of "ise" is accepted as standard British usage and has been for many years. All my friends in the USA know the implement as a "vegetable peeler" but to us in the UK it has only ever been a "potato peeler", we don't actually eat that many other peelable vegetables.

    Oh and we in the UK celebrate the fourth of July as well, not on the same scale but it's a good time to have a barbecue since we don't have any summer celebrations.
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    ZenBadger said:

    Oh and we in the UK celebrate the fourth of July as well, not on the same scale but it's a good time to have a barbecue since we don't have any summer celebrations.

    Barbecues?! Humph! The smell of burnt flesh drifting across suburban gardens. Another dodgy transatlantic import. :p
  • ZenBadgerZenBadger Derbyshire, UK Veteran
    You have obviously never tried a garlic, tomato, mushroom and onion kebab on a sliced BBQ potato with plum sauce...hungry now!
    lobster
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    ZenBadger said:

    You have obviously never tried a garlic, tomato, mushroom and onion kebab on a sliced BBQ potato with plum sauce...hungry now!

    Unfortunately I don't have those kind of neighbours....

    ;)

  • 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    The USA is now part of the European Union too.
    Welcome!

    (Please transfer all overdue contributions without further delay.)
  • "Hey! Look at how we spread this dispicable culture all over the globe! Yay! We're so gawdy!"?

    Surely the British Empire wasn't all bad. Many country's system of justice is based on the British judicial system; innocent until proved guilty, fair trail, jury of yer peers and the like.

    What else?

    India - we built railways 'n' stuff and taught them English which has been a major strength in their IT industry.

    We also kept the French in their place too.

    I'm sure there's other good points as well!



  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited November 2012
    America has the best beer in the world now. We have varieties of hops in America that are awesome and we have an explosion of new craft beers. The beer itself is an affordable luxary, a delicious one at that.

    What does the queen know about septic tanks anyhow?
  • ZenBadgerZenBadger Derbyshire, UK Veteran
    Beer tends to conform to the local palate, I have tried a lot of US "craft" beers and found them a little bland but then again my American colleagues find many UK real ales too sweet and strong. Everyone thinks their beer is the best and they are right, apart from the French.

    Britain still boasts the world's strongest beer - Sink the Bismark at 42% ABV. I tried a snifter the other week and it was good but I prefer my usual tipple Tokyo at 18%.
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    Jeffrey said:

    What does the queen know about septic tanks anyhow?

    Her marm-ship is very knowledgeable on a wide range of practical subjects, like those what affect the common man.
    :p
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited November 2012
    ZenBadger, on the topic of strong beer, I saw a beer where the bottle was covered with an embalmed wood chuck or something. :D

    I like British beer too. American IPA is lighter with the 'C' hops. British IPA is maltier. My favorite beer is Bell's Expeditious Stout.

    For English beers I have tried some we have available: Bass, Harp, Newcastle Brown, John Courage, Theakston Old Peculiar, Samuel Smiths (various), some others?
  • ZenBadger said:

    Beer tends to conform to the local palate, I have tried a lot of US "craft" beers and found them a little bland but then again my American colleagues find many UK real ales too sweet and strong. Everyone thinks their beer is the best and they are right, apart from the French.

    Britain still boasts the world's strongest beer - Sink the Bismark at 42% ABV. I tried a snifter the other week and it was good but I prefer my usual tipple Tokyo at 18%.

    Most of the British drinkers I knew never drank for the taste; we drank for the effect.

    The stronger the drink, the better the effect!

    :D
  • BeejBeej Human Being Veteran
    Tosh said:

    "Hey! Look at how we spread this dispicable culture all over the globe! Yay! We're so gawdy!"?

    Surely the British Empire wasn't all bad. Many country's system of justice is based on the British judicial system; innocent until proved guilty, fair trail, jury of yer peers and the like.

    What else?

    India - we built railways 'n' stuff and taught them English which has been a major strength in their IT industry.

    We also kept the French in their place too.

    I'm sure there's other good points as well!



    The only thing I have to say is this: Flags are dumb. :)
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    ZenBadger said:

    Everyone thinks their beer is the best and they are right



    I would have to disagree. Australian beer as a general rule is sub standard to the UK, US and NZ.
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    Jeffrey said:

    For English beers I have tried some we have available: Bass, Harp, Newcastle Brown, John Courage, Theakston Old Peculiar, Samuel Smiths (various), some others?

    Greene King "Abbot Ale" is quite memorable ( or not ) ;)
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    I always enjoyed a pint of London Pride when I lived in the UK.
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    Bunks said:

    I always enjoyed a pint of London Pride when I lived in the UK.

    They say that Pride comes before a fall.
    :D
    Tosh
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