How to control ego? Please suggest.

misecmisc1

Hi All,

I think i have too much ego in me. whatever i do, there is something in me which always tries to see what advantage i have in it, whether i am getting praised by others, whether i am getting fame in it - sometimes whenever there is an occasion, something in me always tries to see what benefit there is for me, what advantage i can get here etc. All these things add up to my conceit.

even small things like i update something in any social site like facebook and then something in me looks and wants to see how many likes are there for me. if i upload some photograph in any social site like facebook, something in me wants there should be some likes for it and when i see some likes, something gets happy in me or if there is any comment in which i am praised, this adds to my conceit.

may be i am too self-centered, selfish, egoistic person.

So please tell me how to control my ego and reduce my conceit or my pride. Thanks in advance.

lobster

Have you considered the 8 fold path?
We are all on the same raft . . . :wave:
You could try devotion to something other than yourself . . .

misecmisc1

lobster said:

Have you considered the 8 fold path?
We are all on the same raft . . . :wave:

@lobster: if you mean - do i know about 8-fold path, the answer is - yes, i know about it. But if you mean - do i walk on 8-fold path, the answer is - i want to, but currently not able to walk due to too many defilements in me currently. So thought of reducing this ego thing, this 'I' thing, this selfishness, self-centeredness etc.

how

The 8 fold path is the way to deal with ego. Don't enter into the " I'm too defiled" to be a good walker story, just do whatever you can, like the rest of us.

Trying to control your ego usually just turns into another ego feast.
Instead, just stop feeding it, one moment at a time.

Bunks

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Also, are you married and do you have kids?

Getting older, marriage and children lessened my ego for sure!

lobster

- do i walk on 8-fold path, the answer is - i want to, but currently not able to walk due to too many defilements in me currently.

Understood. Really . . . understood.
Defilements are an excellent offering for the Buddha. Before you begin practicing any form of Buddhism, you need some help with those defilements. You thought the Buddha only accepted good things . . . tsk, tsk . . . what is more precious than our own conceit and ego?

Get a print out of the Buddha or statue, learn to do prostrations and offer him your defilements
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTk929t3oFE&sns=em

Good luck

andyrobyn

Bunks said:

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Also, are you married and do you have kids?

Getting older, marriage and children lessened my ego for sure!

I agree ... only last night I reflected with a smile how my mother would be surprised to see ME as the calm mediator in the home these days ... being married and having children is great for practice

Zero

misecmisc1 said:

whatever i do, there is something in me which always tries to see what advantage i have in it,
something in me always tries to see what benefit there is for me,
what advantage i can get here etc.

All these things add up to my conceit.

something in me wants there should be some likes for it and when i see some likes, something gets happy in me or if there is any comment in which i am praised, this adds to my conceit.

may be i am too self-centered, selfish, egoistic person.

So please tell me how to control my ego and reduce my conceit or my pride.

'Controlling your ego' is an interesting concept - does it presuppose ego as a separate entity to yourself? Who is proposed to undertake the controlling and what is being controlled?

What are you going to do with all the 'advantages' youre collecting? Where are they now?
Where are you going to store your 'benefits'? Can you stack them up together like cans in a cupboard?
Where does like and praise take you? and where you're going, what use will it be?

misecmisc1

Bunks said:

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Also, are you married and do you have kids?

Getting older, marriage and children lessened my ego for sure!

@Bunks: i am 31 years old, married, have a wife and a 1.5 year old daughter.

music

Bunks said:

Getting older, marriage and children lessened my ego for sure!

I thought it only lessened happiness. Maybe, I should try it (lessening ego, not marriage).

RebeccaS

Well... The idea of controlling something is also pretty egotistical

My suggestion would be to look for more ways to act with kindness instead of self interest. You don't have to do anything crazy, just hold the elevator for people and help your neighbors carry their bags, go on the coffee run at work, that kind of stuff. The kinder you are and the more practice you get, the quieter your ego will become with time.

misecmisc1

Zero said:

What are you going to do with all the 'advantages' youre collecting? Where are they now?
Where are you going to store your 'benefits'? Can you stack them up together like cans in a cupboard?
Where does like and praise take you? and where you're going, what use will it be?

@Zero: agreed, whatever questions you have said above, upon thinking indicates selfishness and egoism and conceit are unskillful. But during the moment when the things are proceeding, may be due to my lack of mindfulness, i am unable to observe the above thing in my mind - and my self-centeredness crops up and in its flow, I do the activities like - looking if someone praised me, if i got an appreciation email in the office, if my colleages mentioned my name as well in the task which got completed, which involved my inputs - if i felt praised and recognised, something inside of me becomes happy - this i think leads to the addition of already existing ego within me.

misecmisc1

how said:

Trying to control your ego usually just turns into another ego feast.
Instead, just stop feeding it, one moment at a time.

@how: this is also another face of the story. if i say - i do not want praise, this start building of the ego from the other side that i do not want praise and see others they are needing praise. So how to find the way to not let ego build inside me? Please suggest. I think mindfulness should be the way, but the practical problem, which i am facing is that i am lacking mindfulness too much, that i am not able to do any activity throughout the day, without having any distracting thought about other things.

misecmisc1

Hi All,

Moreover, when i see in office, how people are trying to take advantage of the situation - always trying to get praise and if there is any issue, trying to throw the ball in another's basket and simple say - the issue is due to them. it is something like office politics, which goes on in office. sometimes, people are biased and give appreciation to those individuals, who were not even involved in the whole activity - or - giving them the same praise which another individual gets, even though the other individual has spent a lot of effort in getting it resolved.

So in such a competitive environment, how to reduce the ego inside me? how to make me think that if there is a situation, do not think what shall be better for me, do not get involved in office politics, do not take advantage of the situation by some hook or crook method - in a way, how to remain content and ethical in such a work environment. Please suggest.

taiyaki

Learn to walk over yourself.

Zero

misecmisc1 said:

So in such a competitive environment, how to reduce the ego inside me?

how to make me think that if there is a situation, do not think what shall be better for me, do not get involved in office politics, do not take advantage of the situation by some hook or crook method -

in a way, how to remain content and ethical in such a work environment. Please suggest.

It may not be possible.

In some environments, for one to accomplish, many others must fail - failure may mean loss of your job.

Office politics is human politics - reciprocal alturism or Kant's social unsociability.

I suppose you remain content and ethical in a work environment in the same way as you remain content and ethical in your non-work environment.

Sometimes that may mean a new job or a different overall focus in life.

Jeffrey

To control cow or sheep give it a big pasture. Give yourself a big space to act how you want in the office. And just notice what is happening. Maybe something will change and the thing will be clear to you?

genkaku

@misecmisc1 -- Did it ever cross your mind how fortunate you are to be posing such questions? Seriously -- think of the conceited nitwits you know who never even think to ask.

Exercise your patience and courage and doubt and I have a hunch things will iron out.

how

Try thinking of practise as an effort to just let go of yourself. That which resists this practise is what we call Ego.

driedleaf

It's a gradual learning process that I don't think anyone can achieve in a day. If we can not use the "ego" for everything, or catch ourselves before using "it", I think that should be good enough.

pegembara

I just love this insightful quote be Anthony de Mello that speaks to this:

Most people don't live aware lives. They live mechanical lives, mechanical thoughts--generally somebody else's--mechanical emotions, mechanical actions, mechanical reactions. Do you want to see how mechanical you really are? "My, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing." You feel good hearing that. For a shirt, for heaven's sake! You feel proud of yourself when you hear that. People come over to my center in India and they say, "What a lovely place, these lovely trees" (for which I'm not responsible at all), "this lovely climate." And already I'm feeling good, until I catch myself feeling good, and I say, "Hey, can you imagine anything as stupid as that?" I'm not responsible for those trees; I wasn't responsible for choosing the location. I didn't order the weather; it just happened. But "me" got in there, so I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good about "my" culture and "my" nation. How stupid can you get? I mean that.

I'm told my great Indian culture has produced all these mystics. I didn't produce them. I'm not responsible for them. Or they tell me, "That country of yours and its poverty--it's disgusting." I feel ashamed. But I didn't create it. What's going on? Did you ever stop to think? People tell you, "I think you're very charming," so I feel wonderful. I get a positive stroke (that's why they call it I'm O.K., you're O.K.). I'm going to write a book someday and the title will be I'm an Ass, You're an Ass. That's the most liberating, wonderful thing in the world, when you openly admit you're an ass. It's wonderful. When people tell me, "You're wrong." I say, "What can you expect of an ass?"

Disarmed, everybody has to be disarmed. In the final liberation, I'm an ass, you're an ass. Normally the way it goes, I press a button and you're up; I press another button and you're down. And you like that. How many people do you know who are unaffected by praise or blame? That isn't human, we say. Human means that you have to be a little monkey, so everybody can twist your tail, and you do whatever you ought to be doing. But is that human? If you find me charming, it means that right now you're in a good mood, nothing more.

footiam

misecmisc1 said:

Hi All,

I think i have too much ego in me.

may be i am too self-centered, selfish, egoistic person.

So please tell me how to control my ego and reduce my conceit or my pride. Thanks in advance.

Since you know what you have, it should not be too difficult to stop it. That is, if you want to.

misecmisc1

Hi All,

Some nice replies coming here - but most are like the Zen saying - finger pointing to the moon - and even then, I am stupid to ask - how do i see the moon through my eyes.

i think one of the problem is lack of mindfulness. i am so much into this getting praise, fame, recognition etc thing, that even small acts which i do, i think what will i get from it.

Small things like - updating status in say facebook and then seeing how many likes i get for it, posting some photographs and seeing how many likes i get for it, giving some comments and seeing if i am getting appreciation comments in reply to it. Even before i do these things, like, before posting a new photo in facebook, i get this thought in me - why am i posting this photo on facebook - and somehow something inside me says i want to get likes on the photo and nice comments about the photo - then i stop from posting a new photo in facebook - this thing continues for 2 to 3 days, then i loose and something inside me says - i do not want likes, let me post the photo - though this is a false reasoning and still something inside me says i want likes to come for this photo, but due to false reasoning, my mind consolidates me and then i post a photo in facebook - then sometime later, i keep checking to see if i got some like for the photo. If i get some likes, something feels happy inside me.

Above is the description of the situation, though you may feel it is the stupidity of my mind - but i am too stupid to reduce my ego.

One more practical situation - someone brings some sweets for our team, everybody takes 1 and then at the end still half of the sweets remain - so we can then take any amount which we want to take - then in such a situation, i try to get as many sweets as possible - though this is desire in me for sweets - but after i get the sweets, something feels happy in me - but there is some selfishness in me too to get the sweets for myself. I think still it adds to the same underlying thing - 'I' want, so getting it may be adding somewhat to my conceit too.

Hope you all get how high is the level of selfishness, conceit, meanness in me.

So was asking how to reduce my ego, if not in big things, then at least in small things like above examples. Please suggest.

andyrobyn

As with anything, you just do it ..... Awareness of what you could do differently, ie don't take anymore sweets, act on it. In terms of reflecting on any outcome, keeping in perspective how many times you have acted in an alternate way to bring about that pattern of behaviour, habit and sense of it being a natural response in such a situation is useful.

Zero

misecmisc1 said:

i think one of the problem is lack of mindfulness. i am so much into this getting praise, fame, recognition etc thing, that even small acts which i do, i think what will i get from it.

Above is the description of the situation, though you may feel it is the stupidity of my mind - but i am too stupid to reduce my ego.

Hope you all get how high is the level of selfishness, conceit, meanness in me.

So was asking how to reduce my ego, if not in big things, then at least in small things like above examples. Please suggest.

As you've created the quandary, you're the only person that can negotiate yourself out of it - rather than seek external suggestions, go with what you know already and unravel until you're satisfied...

RebeccaS

I'm pretty sure Facebook is a hell realm...

So just delete your account. The purpose of Facebook is connection with your friends, so get their email addresses and keep in touch with them that way. I deleted Facebook 6 months ago. Haven't missed it.

So that's one problem taken care of.

As for taking all the candy? That's just selfishness, the antidote to which is kindness. Don't go back for a second helping. Leave them for your coworkers.

Kindness is transformational. It changes everything. You need to start giving instead of taking.

People tend not to like simple answers. We'd rather ruminate on things and think about all the minutae and put off actually changing anything - talk is cheap. But the answer really is that simple. Kindness.

jcuest

There are the simple Buddhist technique: label the thoughts. Whenever you realize you're thinking selfishly, label the thought: "now I'm having the selfish thought of ...". Label all this thoughts with detachment, as an observer who watch at the situation. As time goes, this technique weakens the attachment with the ego. For be able to apply it, it's necessary to have sufficient awareness for realize you're thinking selfishly in the moment, but seems as you already have this skill, otherwise, daily meditation is necessary to attain it.

Facebook isn't the problem, is the ego; with detachment, you can use FB or whatever without selfish actions or thoughts.
And in the work, even in a competitive work, you simply apply the rules of the enterprise, you're an instrument of it, without any wants of win, etc.

Jeffrey

Go full force. Eat the sweets and post the pics. Or don't. Remind yourself of your wishes. And then you can sit with the tension just a second longer before you post. Crucify yourself if you have to. Each little bit weakens the desire which many are infantile needs.

Don't give yourself an 'out'. ie I ate the sweets but I am really a good person I just wanted them. Like make a big deal out of it or some kind of self-agression. If you eat them eat them and just be compassionate and mindful. If you don't eat them then don't eat them. Micro-decisions, remembering your true wishes, and sitting with tension.

how

@misecmisc1
For many,
a Buddhist practise is only ever about the priorities of THIS ever changing nano second that we face. No time for stories or elabourite mastications of the mind.
Just
Selfishness or selflessness.
Perhaps this is the mindfulness you seek?

maarten

I would look for occasions where you can show people who you really are, and then observe what happens to your mind and ego when you do. Probably you will first feel threatened, but when you let go of the fear and accept the temporary reduction in ego (Eckhart Tolle has some interesting things to say on this) then there will also be some feeling of freedom.
For example, whenever you post something on facebook, ask yourself if it is your honest opinion. Maybe you are hiding your honest opinion in favor of some fake-but-popular opinion. Put the honest opinion there, and feel what happens (I'm not saying you should post whatever thought comes to mind! Just limit yourself to authentic posts).

misecmisc1

usually what happens is - something inside me tries to say - it has to be the way i say, i have to convince others that i am right and that i know about this thing - something which adds to my pride and then something feels good inside me. usually when someone praises me, then also i feel good and happy inside me. something inside me always trying to make others realize that i am smart, that others should know about my presence, that others should give me importance - you know all those kind of self-centric thoughts. so was trying to know how to get the ego reduced? if the answer is mindfulness only, then it seems i should ask the question - how to increase mindfulness - as in none of the daily activities, i am mindfully aware about that activity only. today was brushing my teeth and tried to be mindful, but still some thoughts creeped up and mindfulness got lost - so not able to keep mindfulness even in a small activity of brushing teeth. so you can know how mindless person i am. so please suggest how to reduce ego and how to increase mindfulness. thanks in advance.

Yadonashi

If you want to increase mindfulness you can read Satipatthana sutta. One good book is "the heart of bouddhist meditation" and practice a retreat in a Vipassana center.

maarten

like I said, whenever you feel the urge to present yourself in a way that makes you look good (it takes mindfulness to recognize when this happens), then resist the urge and present yourself in exactly the way you are. Be as transparent as possible. Then watch what happens.

Jeffrey

The nature of mind is to also diffuse some times. It's ok when you diffuse, just celebrate whenever you come back. Most people do not understand the nature of mind and they think mindfulness is super concentration.

Wisdom23

rather odd answer but dont lol i recently heard a talk that once we realise the nature of reality all these things come natural i.e eight fold. By fighting it it will fight back so when ur ego takes hold of the steering wheel smile, taking some mindful breaths and say i am aware my ego is large i am not going to pla with it just observe it.

Hope this helps

Cinorjer

What ego?

Seriously, we all have egos, meaning our feelings of self-worth. If we have healthy minds those feelings don't control us. We validate our worth through the reactions of other people, mostly. It's not just people who are addicted to applause. People can be abused into believing they are worthless, you know. So is your ego healthy? You notice that even the attention given over social media feels good. So notice, then laugh at how crazy life is, and continue.

Jeffrey

This is the most recent Buddhism Connect, a teacher and student free emailing produced by the Awakened Heart Sangha with guru Lama Shenpen:

Summary: Feeling good about ourselves produces confidence and relaxation, which are essential to the spiritual path, but while it makes sense to do things that will help us feel better about ourselves, ultimately we have to learn to rely on our actual being.

Student:

I find it very helpful to feel good about myself by wearing the right clothes, having others praise my achievements, seeing flattering photographs of myself and so on. I think this helps me to be confident and relaxed, and therefore to deal better with others. At what point does that tip over into narcissism and the worldly dharmas? Or maybe you think I already have?

Lama Shenpen:

Well we all tend to tip over into narcissism and the worldly dharmas all the time don’t we? You are making an accurate observation here when you notice how looking good, being praised and so on leaves us feeling confident and relaxed. The confidence and relaxation are the qualities we are seeking but if they are dependent on how we look, what other people think of us and so on then it is conditioned confidence. When we get falsely accused, blamed, criticised, judged, labelled and so on in ways we don’t like then that confidence is shattered. It is worthless. All we have left then is our innate confidence – our knowing that we are by nature indestructible and so we can relax even when accused and so on. We can notice our feelings and express them to ourselves and others and link them to our genuine values that are universal values that we are willing to embody and stand up for.

The NVC approach links us into a genuine confidence in what is intrinsic to all human beings- all beings in fact - this is not to say that it isn’t fun and even meaningful to dress well, to be liked, to be praised for what we do and so on. That could all be thought of as positive feed-back that helps us communicate and be effective in the world. But if our confidence depends on things like that then sooner or later we are going to come unstuck. Things aren’t always going to go our way. We have to recognize that our worth and the worth of any being doesn’t depend on how they look or how well they can perform tasks. Our worth is our actual being, our presence, our openness, clarity and sensitivity...and all that is the same in everyone however bad their situation. It is really important to reflect deeply on this point. It is the whole point of the Dharma. It is the whole point of love and compassion.

*****

The Eight Worldly Dharmas: classes of experience that are a major cause of suffering, traditionally grouped into four pairs: pleasure and pain; praise and blame; fame and disgrace; gain and loss.

NVC: Non-Violent Communication, which is based on the principle of communicating our needs to others in a way that develops connection. See http://www.cnvc.org.

upekka

just remind yourself 'i am full of S H I T, at the end of the day this S--- is also just the four elements in the space'

mithril

Why would you like to reduce your ego? The practice lies in the answer.

Related, equally important question: Why do you want to be more mindful?

lobster

- something which adds to my pride and then something feels good inside me. usually when someone praises me, then also i feel good and happy inside me.

You are attempting a step towards humility . . . one of the ways towards this is to humble ourselves. We admit our foibles and weaknesses. We do prostrations before the Buddha or the ego of others . . . I can not remember were I heard of 'dharma pride'. That is pride in the teaching and teachers. That is healthy pride. The very things of the ego you feel are obstacles, are the means of entry and practice . . . :clap:

blu3ree

Think less feel more also nothing is permanent thoughts rise thoughts cease maybe offer help to people never expecting to receive anything materialistic the reward will be felt so long as one is mindful

novaw0lf

"Humility does not mean that you think less of yourself; it means that you think of yourself less." -Ken Blanchard

Controlling the ego has been a personal problem of my own for a long time. The key, I would say, is in never being ashamed to be who you are, but always keep in mind of those around you, like a writer would keep in mind the thoughts and feelings of the audience reading his material.

Remember that there are people less fortunate than you, and they (being human beings) are subject to the same emotions as any other on the planet (envy, rage, etc). Controlling the ego is merely a matter of keeping those around you in mind, and remember that no matter how or what you may gain in this life, you are still no more cosmically important than the bum on the street.-

Light101

< whatever i do, there is something in me which always tries to see what advantage i have in it, whether i am getting praised by others, whether i am getting fame in it - sometimes whenever there is an occasion, something in me always tries to see what benefit there is for me, what advantage i can get here etc. All these things add up to my conceit.>


I absolutely agree that if you really feel like you are craving likes on Facebook then don't use Facebook. If you are looking for a thank you from your neighbour for picking up his garbage can then don't do it. You already know that your motivation for doing is your reward.
When I first started working with letting myself go in terms of selfishness I set a few rule for myself:

1. whenever I saw anyone who needed money I would give up everything I had in my pocket. This worked really well for me as I was forgetful and often would shove bills into my pocket. I am a student on a fixed income so to me this practice helped me to accept a move towards selflessness. The second part to this is that I give no matter what even if I know the money is going to be used for things that I may not approve of or if I thought I needed it myself which helped me to see my controlling nature.Obviously I had all that I required at home and was not leaving myself in a bind. We waste so much and really give so little. At first I was proud and such but slowly as I looked and talked with the people I was giving to that dissolved and I used the feeling I got from my giving to help develop my metta practice.

2. I started to do things anonymously for people. For instance one night I shoveled off everyone's sidewalks in my neighbourhood( there is a bylaw and a fine where we live for people who don't shovel before 10 am) or I switched my awesome practicum site for another student's site without them knowing just because I heard them complaining about how much they didn't want it. There are endless things that can be done that you can ultimately use to dissolve the ego. Try saying yes to everything that is asked of you one day no matter what it is. Do a week of awesome things for your wife and refuse everything she wants to do for you in return.

Hope some of these ideas help
metta, Light

lamaramadingdong

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit."
Harry S Truman

tikaL2o6

Who has an ego? (This is a friendly poke at your notion of 'me')
Who is conceited? (Yet another friendly poke)
Perhaps the whole "I have an ego" thing IS your ego?
Just be happy bro!
It's normal to take delight in stuff like that . . . If you want to be completely free from all of those traces of greed etc, you will have to attain anagami stage of enlightenment, this takes a lot of work. It is definitely worth it if you just can't stand being 'imperfect,' but its not super wise to go trampling around in the deep dark recesses of your being trying to murder every defilement. A balanced, gentle, accommodating, and compromising practice is generally more joyful, and a more joyful practice is usually a little more beneficial in the long run.

Beej

Quit facebook. Thats a start.

Straight_Man

With calmness, I learned to seek less points in forums and social things. I am retired, always was too afraid of failure in work environments and too seeking of praise for little things.

With calmness, I stopped doing so much of that and proceeded to accept what came with gratitude. Then things worked, and I was less afraid of being rejected. ego is a fragile thing, but as the others have said, let it go (I will add some).

Always find something to replace what you lose, and ego will be aussaged, but calmness can calm ego's urges also.

wicked_good_kamma

I would highly suggest going on a vipassana retreat, if you can find the time. Meditate on your bare sense perceptions, feeling, seeing and hearing. After a while you will most likely have some insight into this idea of non-self. Once you realize this truth your ego problems will run away. Or as a more immediate excersize try laying down on your bed and go through your body starting at your feet working up to your head and with each body part, ask yourself, is this my self, is this who I define as "ME"? Do the same thing with your hearing and seeing, are these sights ME? If you try this you will realize there is nothing you can really isolate and point to as the essence of your "self". Your surroundings are just feeding data to the brain which is being interpreted and creating the illusion of a separate self. It's just a process, dont identify with it, just observe it.

Theswingisyellow

"How to control ego?"
Don't try to control a concept.
When your ego comes up, what is it based on? Pride, fear? What is it's root?
Someone yells at me, I am adverse to that. Most would say their "ego" becomes a factor-"I am not going to be talked to in this way!" One thinks or says.
What is it in oneself that triggers this kind of reaction?
An event occurs, a feeling is generated, then our concepts of self and how we defend that self crops up. We also fear loss of identity and control, illusions to begin with, but we fear this loss non-the-less. We generally reassert ourselves and self concepts, and in doing so solidify our illusions of self.
One's reaction to a situation is up to oneself. Know one chooses how to respond.
Ask what is the desired outcome? Do I want to solidify my concepts and illusions or do I want to be free of such burdens? Ones choices dictates ones outcomes.
Be aware of what you choose.
All the best,
Todd

how

Don't confuse controlling the ego with lessening it. It only exists because we continually feed it.

You can engage in endless meal preparations with the ego or just not feed it anymore.

Meditation is the process of learning how to not habitually feed the ego.

Anything that you imbue with more importance than the meditation practise will end up feeding the ego just as anything that you incorporate into your meditation, will stop feeding the ego.

Its just a question of spiritual priorities.

sukhita

Theswingisyellow said:

.... .... ..... Ones choices dictates ones outcomes. Be aware of what you choose. .... .... ....

Good advice.... we often tend to act without exploring all the choices available to us.