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Undoing pre buddhist bad things
Wisdom23
Veteran
All through my life people have described me as being kind and generous but now that i have come to the realisation where all my suffering comes from i have also discovered i have caused others to suffer, to what extent i dont know but i feel ever so guilty. What is the recommendation from all you kind people
0
Comments
Remorse, Antidote (practice/meditate/wisdom), resolve (mindfulness), refuge (to allay fear and overwhelm).
Like the moon coming out from behind the clouds,
Is the man who comes from wrongdoing back to mindfulness.
I tried the Power of Now book and mindfulness; but it's hard to be present when you're being dragged into the past by your guilt.
I sorted out my past with the 12 Steps and the guidance of a good Big Book sponsor (he's a Christian btw). Basically, I sat down with a paper and pen and investigated my past by listing the following:
1. Resentments (against people/organisations/principles)
2. Those people I'd harmed through my use of sex.
3. Those people I'd harmed (non sexual)
4. My fears
For my resentment inventory I wrote (for example) the name of someone I resented; I wrote what they did to me; I wrote how that made me feel, and then the tough bit - I wrote down what was my part in that resentment. Normally, I'd set the ball rolling; the root cause being self centredness/selfishness.
It's a simple process, but not easy to convey.
I then took my inventory to my sponsor and we had a long chat. While I shared my inventory, my sponsor wrote my list of people/organisations I had harmed.
It was quite an emotional experience. I left his house with a list of people to make amends too; a bit like that program "My Name's Earle".
I made my first formal amend to Mrs Tosh that evening, and then did all my easy amends first. I left my tough amends till last; I had some hard ones that I just didn't want to do. But my sponsor was great; before I made any amend I spoke with him about it first - this is hugely important - it's easy to create further harm by approaching this the wrong way. And of course, my real amend is to stay sober, help other alkies to recover and just be a decent human being.
The off-shoot is that I'm free of my messy past; or I'm as free as I can be I think.
For an alcoholic to stay sober long term, I think it's imperative that we clean up our past and though the process we get a totally different sense of self out of it; a more positive one.
I think this is real spiritual warrior stuff; it's tough to do; not for the faint hearted, but I'm sure in Buddhism that Tonglen practise (giving victory to our enemies) is the equivalent.
A.A. does it very well though; the inventory process is very illuminating. No-one tells us what our problem is (self cherishing); we learn it by ourselves at a heart level.
No one can escape the past.
No one can grasp the past.
Correct what can be corrected and otherwise just pay attention and take responsibility.
Past, present and future cannot be grasped. What does this say about regret?
Check it out.
We ALL have f@#$%d up at some point. I have done it many times. I might do it tomorrow. Hopefully not, though. But if I do, I try to practice compassion on myself. And make sure that if you are making amends, you are doing it for that person, and not just for yourself. This may mean waiting until you really know what to do/say/ or dont do/don't say. Might take years, in some cases. And don't automatically expect that the person will be receptive.... because they might be clinging to some painful aspect of it still.
But definitely start with you.