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I feel trapped by desire,pleasure and expectations
banned_crab
Veteran
How do I escape?
I feel trapped by desire,expectations and pleasure.The only time I can be focused on insightful/useful thoughts is after I have been dissapointed. Its like a path surrounded by echoes that I escape only to inevitably end up on the same path again, I find myself stuck in this vicious circle. I than realized that I am the path and the expectations are echoes, but that wasnt enough. Seeing my faults isnt enough to solve them.
I have these cycles were I can go 2 months without dissapointment, most people would consider this a good thing but its not. 2 months without dissapointment also means 2 months of stagnation. I cant learn about myself when my mind believes it is satisfied. I rely on the temporary satisfaction believing that it is dependable, but its impermanence eventually fails me. It believes that there is salvation in the future, although I want it to believe that the salvation doesnt exist. The salvation is dissapointment disguised as expectation. I want to focus on meditation and learning about myself, instead of temporary satisfaction. I can tell myself these things but I still fall into the cycle. Its like im trying to fight a friend who genuinely wants to help me but I know that I cant trust the impermanence of the help.
How do I escape?
I feel trapped by desire,expectations and pleasure.The only time I can be focused on insightful/useful thoughts is after I have been dissapointed. Its like a path surrounded by echoes that I escape only to inevitably end up on the same path again, I find myself stuck in this vicious circle. I than realized that I am the path and the expectations are echoes, but that wasnt enough. Seeing my faults isnt enough to solve them.
I have these cycles were I can go 2 months without dissapointment, most people would consider this a good thing but its not. 2 months without dissapointment also means 2 months of stagnation. I cant learn about myself when my mind believes it is satisfied. I rely on the temporary satisfaction believing that it is dependable, but its impermanence eventually fails me. It believes that there is salvation in the future, although I want it to believe that the salvation doesnt exist. The salvation is dissapointment disguised as expectation. I want to focus on meditation and learning about myself, instead of temporary satisfaction. I can tell myself these things but I still fall into the cycle. Its like im trying to fight a friend who genuinely wants to help me but I know that I cant trust the impermanence of the help.
How do I escape?
2
Comments
Its better to think of healthy behavior that will lead you to more happiness in your life like exercise or weight lifting. You just have to put the time in learning about different ways of dealing with the world and your mind. Like exercise it can be hard at first because it will make us feel sore or tired, but if we can stick with it we will begin to see changes and may actually start to like and look forward to it.
Seriously?
I think you just need to relax and not 'try so hard'.
The more you strain at loosening the stranglehold these qualities have on you, the more you struggle, the tighter the knots seem to get.
So?
So calm yourself!
Lute strings: neither too tight, nor too loose...
Quit beating yourself up.
Nobody else is giving you anything like the same 'hard time' you are...
Why, exactly?
Give yourself a break, and cut yourself some slack....
If you can see your cycle, you know that waiting until you're full of uncomfortable emotions and thoughts isn't a good solution. When you are satisfied, get your butt on the cushion. When you are dissatisfied, get your butt on the cushion.
"I have a habit of say biting my nails.
When that habit is not occuring then where is that habit?
This is the same problem with egoing.
Egoing is the constant fabrication and emphasis of being one thing.
Its not that the ego is bad, but rather it goes counter to what life is and thus one is found to be unhappy.
This is because life is a constantly changing, non fixed mystery. The solidity is what we project onto this flux, trying to capture, relate, and understand. Innocent as that may be at first, it becomes the basis for not seeing reality.
So wonder becomes knowledge and knowledge our bondage.
Yet all we have to do is recognize this moment in its freshness and like a bird flipping its wings in the sky we do not know where the beginning, middle or end is.
We don't have to do or not do anything.
And that ends the game of ego because it never really began."
This tongue-in-cheek description does not take away from the seriousness of the habit or the fierce determination it may take to put it in its place. It's scary ground, challenging the world of worries. It takes courage to enter and more courage to continue.
This is where practice kicks in ... bit by bit, paying attention and taking responsibility ... day after day, week after week, year after year. A Hindu monk once told me, "If the screw took sixteen turns to put it, it will take sixteen turns to get out." I'm not sure that I agree, but I'm not sure that I don't, either. Whatever the case, it takes patience not to fall back into the loving arms of unlovable worries. Practice helps.
What you are NOT doing, is implementing that knowledge skilfully.
Your Mind - is YOUR mind. You create your own problems, not 'your Mind'.
Even with this statement, you effectively disassociate yourself from the position of being responsible for your self.
If you cannot find peace, serenity and contentment where you are, right now - then where else do you expect to find them...?
There is no better place than right Here, there is no better time, than right Now.
Instead of detaching from the Present Moment, learn to accept it, embrace it, and be with it.
Perhaps when you are in crisis, you jump ship and act in accordance with the 8fp. Then as the emotions settle, you're like "whew, OK... now I'm better and can do anything." And low and behold, what happens next? Dive back into the dung (ignoring the lessons Buddha taught). Sooner or later you'll stop diving back in, when you decide the dung isn't what you're looking for... and not until.
Perhaps another aspect that you're missing is that the mind-junk you're busy disassociating is what you are creating when you jump back into the dung. The mental fettering is the smell that arises from wrong speech, wrong action, wrong effort and so forth. Perhaps its better said as what naturally arises in the absence of right speech, right action, right effort and so forth.
As far as forgetting, unlikely. Once we really see the connection between our suffering and unskillful actions, gravity takes over... because who in the world would intentionally poke themselves in the eye? Or, how many times will a person intentionally poke themselves in the eye? Once per tool, some say.
With warmth,
Matt
what are you saying that I should do?
Or, in other words, confront your basic laziness.
Doing dishes is different. I want a good mindset when meditating, I want to feel like im benefiting and relaxing. I dont want it to feel draggy, whenever I drag myself to do it than I end up stopping after only 8 minutes.
What do you think?
However to change, you are going to have to change. [the technical term for this is, 'the bleeding obvious']
Are you prepared to do walking meditation? Prostrations? Build a shrine? Chant. Do preparatory physical stilling such as yoga? Study?
In other words, what are you capable of?
Just sitting around chilling ain't gonna do it . . . wait a minute . . . that is meditation . . . maybe 8 minutes of that?
Why don't you try led meditations or hypnosis for relaxation on youtube . . .
Could you listen to others chanting at least?
:wave:
However to change, you are going to have to change. [the technical term for this is, 'the bleeding obvious']
Are you prepared to do walking meditation? Prostrations? Build a shrine? Chant. Do preparatory physical stilling such as yoga? Study?
In other words, what are you capable of?
Just sitting around chilling ain't gonna do it . . . wait a minute . . . that is meditation . . . maybe 8 minutes of that?
Why don't you try led meditations or hypnosis for relaxation on youtube . . .
Could you listen to others chanting at least?
:wave:
Will I progress if I do only 8 minutes?
I do 8 minutes a day, but I never feel like I achieved anything.
I agree with you that I have to force myself and create good habits, because thats the difference between all of us, our habits.
But when I constantly want to do other things that arent the things I should be doing than how do I get those thoughts out of my head?
Or when I want to think about interesting and insightful things but instead I just day dream and think idle thoughts because they are relaxing.
Does that ever go away ?
"thats the whole point, I wish I could just forget everything. I have no current problems but my mind creates tasks and problems for me. It always makes me feel like I should be somewhere else no matter where I am. "
Reminds me of this advice from Patrul Rinpoche.
Reminds me of this advice from Patrul Rinpoche. Its hard to concentrate on the here and now when your mind is spinning with useless projects , I cant jut "give it up". When you close your eyes does the whole world just go away? no
Meditation is a life practice. People who have been meditating for many years still run into roadblocks in their practice, falter, and get back on the horse. Over and over and over again.
It's not a quick fix by any means - hell, it might not even be a fix at all. But that's where our faith in the practice has to come in; we have to have faith that our meditation practice will deliver us from samsara, even when we don't know if our practice is "doing" anything for us.
Here's a really powerful quote I posted in the "Sayings" thread which I think is applicable here: @heyimacrab: You don't have to force the thoughts out of your head, but it seems like you do need to cultivate concentration, discipline, and patience. These will come with a regular meditation practice, in my experience.
Now you can feel 'something' has been achieved.
The rest of the day is reserved for lazy, useless daydreaming.
You might day dream about doing this:
http://www.liberationunleashed.com/
or one of these
http://blog.tsemtulku.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/prayers-and-sadhanas/sadhana-prayers.html
or this
https://sites.google.com/site/mindfulnessonlinecourse
or . . . what exactly do you want to hear?
At least you acknowledge your difficulty, so you've taken a good step in questioning yourself. But the problem lies not in answers to your questions, because you frame your questions in terms of "progress" and "acheivement." Drop -- the questions themselves lead you further away from practice.
@Invincible_summer says above it comes down to impatience. And along with impatience comes many expectations. Meditation means dropping expectations.
Do you know how a Chinese finger trap works?
Where do expectations arise? They come from measuring up the present with the past, comparing the two-- and also from anticipating the future, which we in turn compare with the present. And so we will always have this dissatisfaction with the present because we refuse to remain present. Our minds scurry off to the past or to the present-- anywhere but HERE and NOW.
The past and the future arise in the mind only as abstractions that have no contact with living reality. As a consequence, we smother the present moment which makes itself available to you at all times. But we miss this present because instead, we foolishly chase ghosts.
While a piano student practices scales, her mind does not think "Am I making progress?" The student doesn't think "Oh, I'm so much better than a year ago," nor does the student daydream about the future playing at Carnegie Hall. The student does only one thing: C D E F G F E D C. Only that. Over and over and over again. Nothing exists but focusing on those five fingers. Anything else only distracts from the task at hand.
To steal from wise old Yoda, you must not TRY to meditate. You must meditate.
For starters, that usually means doing something that may appear just as boring as scales: just following the breath. No one can still the mind just plopping down on a cushion. Some people use counting the breath as an initial exercise. Why do we think following the breath so boring? Again, only because we compare this moment with the past or the present. We want to resist the present because I can THINK of so many more things I'd rather be doing than sitting here counting my breath! You impatience manifests as that resistance in all those thoughts.
And you say so right here: To answer that question: follow the breath. But thoughts WILL arise. But don't be like the poor fellow stuck in the Chinese finger trap, pulling and pulling, only tightening the trap. You already understand to some degree to not chase after thoughts. But also do not resist them either. It seems like a dilemma-- you can have one or the other, but not both! But the third way lies in OBSERVING the thoughts.
Usually I do this, and after 15-20 minutes my mind settles. Perhaps you will find this will work for you also: breathe, but ENJOY that simple activity. Relax. Thoughts come and go like clouds. You can't stop clouds from coming or going, so let them pass in and out of view. But only WATCH. And watching thoughts means this: when a thought comes I say silently to myself, "A thought about completing the agenda for the staff meeting arises now." (I find that some degree of detail works better than something vague like "A thought about work arises now.") Making this simple observation, don't chase the thought. Now return to the breath. Another thought will certainly arise. But after 15-20 minutes the clouds dissipate considerably (though not absolutely). With practice you'll begin to see more blue sky than cloud. But don't expect anything.
So you don't "get those thoughts out of my head"-- you only observe those thoughts, staying with the ever-present and natural activity of breathing. Thoughts don't like to be watched. They want you to play-- friendly thoughts and thoughts that play rough and bully you. Instead, just watch.
Forget about "should" and "ought." Forget "escape." Forget about what you "want" or expect, forget progress, achievement, enlightenment, forget about all of that nonsense, all that BS. Just observe. Just breathe. Just sit. Just just.
There is no escape!
U must focus on what is at hand...if ur biting your nails...BITE YOUR NAILS WITH FOCUS AND AWARENESS...do nothing but bite your nail...be aware of each little nibble...do not mindlessly bite your nails!
if ur being satisfied/contented...BE COMPETELY AND FULLY SATISFIED/CONTENTED
don't run away...run into it...become IT...fully experience it, relish it, explore it, get to know every little nook and cranny of it
meditation is an approach....it is not sitting...it can be sitting...but it could be sex, or smoking, or eating bacon...but if ur smoking a cig...do nothing but be fully conscious of pulling the cig out of the pack,...smell it, feel it, inhale deeply, how it tastes, how your pulse quickens, how it satisfies the craving, notice how the smoke curls etc.
Do this and come back and tell us what you have discovered and with your questions.
Let me share a story that the Dalai Lama told. Remember that this is a man who has been practicing Tibetan Buddhism since he was a young child and he has had the most-skilled teachers any Buddhist could have.
He said he had taken a tour of a Catholic monastery in Kentucky, that supported itself by making and selling cheese and fruitcake. At the completion of the tour, he was given a sample of cheese to taste.
At this point in his story, he exclaimed, "But what I REALLY wanted was a piece of the fruitcake!!!", whereupon he dissolved into laughter.
You see, even the Dalai Lama has desires. The difference between you and I and him is that when he has a desire it's no big deal. If he has any reaction to it, it is amusement.
This is perhaps one of the hardest things about to accept. That there is no escape, but that there is freedom from suffering despite that. Bad things happen, good things happen: suffering and unhappiness are optional.
Of course not. All you need to do in meditation is to just sit tight and leave things be. One fine day you will come to realise that things will be OK if you let them be. It is as "simple" as that. That is what all this difficulty training is for - to realize that many of the things we attach to are unworthy of getting all stressed out over. Bit by bit things become less bothersome and you will appreciate a little bit of peace. The more you can let go, the more peace you will have.
I guess ill just think of meditation as a fight with my head. The loser is weak. Thats the only way I can get up for it without expectations
Don't fight. Sit passively. Let the head win. Watch its winning ways . . . Eventually it will stop winning and you will be able to sit without so much conflict . . .
My teacher described it as such: consider that the mind is like a wild horse in a tiny barn. It kicks and neighs and beats itself against the walls. Each time it kicks, it hurts its leg which adds to the fury and frenzy. Many consider trying to approach the mare, either to soothe the frenzy (thinking calming thoughts) or gripping the mare (trying to stop thoughts). Neither of those are right. As we approach the horse, it kicks us and pulls us into the fray. Instead, we remove the walls of the barn. Then, the horse loses the conditions that agitate it, and it settles on its own. Perhaps it will go nibble on some grass in the field.
In meditation, returning to our basic faculties is removing the barn walls. We let our attention gently rest on our meditation object, and allow the barn walls to dissolve. Said differently, we notice the wild thoughts and accept "yes, wild thoughts" and gently remember that we don't need to change them or cover them with better ones. Instead, we open the vastness of mind around them, and they blow themselves out.
With warmth,
Matt
metta to you and all sentient beings.
Reminds me of the 'ox herding pictures'
Its not the thoughts, but how you approach the thoughts. It seems oblivious that you need to first develop the "deconstruction skills" before you can take down the walls of the barn.
Deconstruction skills are:
one pointed attention...ability to focus and bring to attention...like watching your breath
Non judgement....not making a notation of this is good or bad....just watch with...
Non attachment....do not hold on nor be repulsed by any thought/s...which leads...
Equanimity....the stability and composure with out disturbance.
In the human realm fortunately there is some discomfort and THAT is the motivation to practice.
So practice however you are able. Realizing discontent of stagnation is a gateway for you towards the first noble truth. How about reaching out to those in need? Love is the antidote to peace. Impermanence is the antidote to attachment to this life. Seeing suffering is the antidote to pleasure.
If you can try to find a guru/priest/teacher.
If you do a labelling practice, just label the thoughts (e.g. "thinking... thinking..." or "anger... anger..." or "boredom... boredom..." whatever it may be).
If you focus on the breath, then acknowledge the thought that has come up, but try to return to focusing on the breath.
You seem to want us to tell you exactly what to do. But we can't. Buddhist practice is all about discovering what works for you. We can give pointers, you can read books by Buddhist masters, but in the end it's up to you to sit on the cushion and figure out how to do it.
Thano's lute string. Not too loose and not too tight.