Ugh, I don't even like to think about it.
Buddhist seem to have (excuse my language) a hard-on for Ego death and somesuch. But how do y'all handle straight up depersonalization? I've had long, frequent bouts of it before. I no longer conceive of myself as myself. My body seems to go on autopilot, and it feels like I am watching my body in the third person entirely. My sight seems "foggy" and I feel like I am asleep, dreaming, watching myself perform various actions without any thought. And I do mean without any thought. I do not think or even send the impulse to my muscles to "pick up that object" instead, I'll just be floating along, watching myself, saying "it's so funny... where am I?" as my body goes through these motions. I begin to doubt my own existence *in its entirety* and my vision begins to fade and go black, my thoughts slow down even more and just become a dull hum, yet here I am having conversations and doing work, or even riding my scooter around, etc. Eventually I get lost in what I can only describe as a "swirl" of thought. Where the basic theme is (and I'd like to point out during these episodes, I think in concepts, not words.) but the translation would be "Where I am? who am I? what is 'I'? There is no I, no me, there never was, and never will be."
Then one morning I'll wake up in bed and be back to normal. And, I'd like to point out, this all happens without ANY influence from drugs. I drink on occasion and smoke tobacco, maybe the occasional bit of Cannabis, but there is no way that those can be responsible for what I can only describe as the death of my self. I have scattered memories of these episodes, as well. And during these, I also feel no emotion. There is no fear, no joy, no contentment, nothing. Just pure conceptual thought.
Go ahead and try to describe something in your head not using words or any of your other senses. Describe a sunset without speaking or picturing a sunset. And then have no emotional attachment in those thoughts. That is essentially what my thoughts are like during these periods. All the while my body goes throughout the day just fine, and only my closest of friends have ever even noticed something was wrong.
So, is depersonalization on this scale the same as ego death? or whatever? what do y'all think?
EDIT - Almost forgot, already had my head checked out. I don't have any psychological diseases or anything, or anything wrong with my brain. Apparently I just begin to think and think and think and question my own reality until my perception of it literally dies.