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Façades and my Disappointment
still_learning
Veteran
The more people I meet, and the more I get to know said people, I find that things are almost never as they seem. Sure, that's clichè, but it could still be interesting to discuss.
I've met people who buy a lot expensive things, and live in nice neighborhoods. Initially, I feel bad about myself when I compare myself to them. I know I should not compare, but I'm only human, and it just happens sometimes. I feel bad because, it seems like I am not as far along as I should be and I am not as accomplished. That is until I learn more about them and I find out that they are living well outside of their means, and cannot truly afford they things they have. They are constantly stressed about their finances, while I am not at all. I am surprised at how many people I meet who live that way.
Another faux façade that I've been seeing recently is a cultural one. I've been meeting more people from a certain culture, and they tell me that in their culture, family is very important and is a centerpiece. After getting to know a few groups of them from different families, I find some inconsistencies. One example is where a big family share one house, and only 2 people are paying for the mortgage. Sure, those are the two whose names are on the title, but it would seem like other members of the families, who are all adults would WANT help out. I thought they might help pay the mortgage in the form of rent especially because the 2 people paying are now in financial trouble. Another example is a relative visiting from far away, and then the local relatives decide to bring the visitor to a casino for fun. However, the visiting relative does not enjoy going to casinos or even gambling at all, and they know this. It is the local relatives who enjoy that, and it is something that they can easily do on their own time. I'm sure not every family of that culture is like that, but it's just surprising to see such blatant hypocrisy at a personal level. What I mean is that I expect hypocrisy from government and corporations, but I hoped it would be a lot less at the small neighborhood level.
It makes me feel a little sad so see such selfishness. I just I hope I'm not committing such hypocrisy or being so selfish, and am not aware of it.
I've met people who buy a lot expensive things, and live in nice neighborhoods. Initially, I feel bad about myself when I compare myself to them. I know I should not compare, but I'm only human, and it just happens sometimes. I feel bad because, it seems like I am not as far along as I should be and I am not as accomplished. That is until I learn more about them and I find out that they are living well outside of their means, and cannot truly afford they things they have. They are constantly stressed about their finances, while I am not at all. I am surprised at how many people I meet who live that way.
Another faux façade that I've been seeing recently is a cultural one. I've been meeting more people from a certain culture, and they tell me that in their culture, family is very important and is a centerpiece. After getting to know a few groups of them from different families, I find some inconsistencies. One example is where a big family share one house, and only 2 people are paying for the mortgage. Sure, those are the two whose names are on the title, but it would seem like other members of the families, who are all adults would WANT help out. I thought they might help pay the mortgage in the form of rent especially because the 2 people paying are now in financial trouble. Another example is a relative visiting from far away, and then the local relatives decide to bring the visitor to a casino for fun. However, the visiting relative does not enjoy going to casinos or even gambling at all, and they know this. It is the local relatives who enjoy that, and it is something that they can easily do on their own time. I'm sure not every family of that culture is like that, but it's just surprising to see such blatant hypocrisy at a personal level. What I mean is that I expect hypocrisy from government and corporations, but I hoped it would be a lot less at the small neighborhood level.
It makes me feel a little sad so see such selfishness. I just I hope I'm not committing such hypocrisy or being so selfish, and am not aware of it.
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Comments
So, why worry about them at all? Other than having compassion for them all because they suffer just like you, why let their life decisions affect you in that way? Making judgements about how selfish they appear to be?
For me, I find it helpful to treat it like I did above. If I find myself saying things like "oh geez, that person needs to not be doing that." I imagine what might be going on that I don't know about. Put yourself in their shoes. Not with your life in their shoes. But put yourself into their life and see if it's as easy to make decisions within different cultural expectations and such. I could judge the neighbor lady who just bought a new car and paid a professional to install grass and trees in her yard, because her kids go around in raggedy clothing and her house is falling down around her. Or, I could have compassion for her for doing something to try to make her yard more beautiful because maybe the person who I thought she paid, was a relative who did her a favor. Maybe she won a contest. Maybe someone else is paying for her car. The truth is, I don't know. So who am I to judge her for it? Maybe her kids like their clothes that way (they are teenagers and old enough to get jobs if they want different clothes). In fact, it is easy to see that she is a woman who suffers a lot and her kids do, too. Just like the rest of us. It's better just to have compassion for their suffering than to judge their every move. Maybe if you are worried about their financial situation, you could help them. Maybe if you are worried that the guy goes gambling, you could suggest other activities? What ways can you help rather than sit home and judge them as selfish?
People are certainly capable of being inconsistent if that’s a helpful observation. Words don’t always match actions.
We put way too much faith in the narrative about who we are. Our brain – in my limited understanding - is a complex and multiple-layered organ. The cerebral cortex is only a part of it. This part of the brain, which creates the narrative about who we are, is not the part of the brain that makes the actual decisions. It just tries to fit our contradicting behavior into one more or less consistent identity.
The narrative you use @still_learning in your post could be read as an attempt to create your own identity by opposition. “I’m not like them.”
It makes me think of “the work” from Byron Katie. Part of this procedure – in my understanding – is deconstructing some parts of the narrative about who we are; replacing storylines that cause problems and suffering.
As a hypocrite - one of my hobbies - I find it easier to point at others finger pointing . . .
. . . this of course points out something about me.
So being judgemental, reflects on us, even being reflective of our faults is a form of judgement.
How can we be a little more forgiving and kinder? Think well of our intent and the situation of others? Perhaps better still, not dwell on the processing? In other words how do we not get drawn into our and others ignorance?
Must be time for a cup of tea . . . :wave:
organisations and corporation....Hell, a people I am MARRIED to runs a large corporation. And she is a better Buddhist than I ever was.
Not all Buddhists live in elected poverty. Not all Buddhists opt out and then snipe.
Personally I find the whole Buddhism = Haight -Ashbury revivalist, tofu munching, patchouli smelling, business to be a tad tedious.
@still_learning
@karasti, I left out a lot details for the sake of brevity. I tried not to make many assumptions.
Yeah, I am being judgmental. I try not to be but I don't always succeed. I think in this case, a series of events happened quickly and all of this hit me in the face. It was a big shock. Not a valid excuse, just the reasons why. After I've calmed down from this initial shock, I'll try my best to cultivate compassion for everyone.
This is yet another reminder for me to take a big grain of salt with what people say about themselves. As plainly as I try to speak about myself, I'm sure I embellish sometimes.
Sometimes it's not even so much people embellishing, but just that they see things from a totally different perception. They don't tell you their lifelong history, only a short list of events up to the current time, when in reality their decisions, their perceptions their conditions have all be set up from the moment they were born. So even as they are telling you about themselves, they are most likely not seeing reality. Then you see their story through your own version of reality which skews it even more. So, it's best not to get wrapped up in someone else's story, or to create your own about their life. Again, none of us always succeeds at that! It's just a good thing to remember.