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How Can I be Serious and Stop Gossiping
Omar067
Veteran
I'm tired of gossiping. The Buddha discouraged it , so I want to stop gossiping. I think being serious all the time might just stop my habit. If not, are there any other ways to stop.
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The other approach to indulging (non-dividing) is sitting with a craving. It is harder with gossip addiction because you can only practice when you are with someone so you can't experiment as much. But just crucify yourself when you are tempted to share a juicy nugget of gossip. If you can sit with it even if only a few minutes it will weaken the pull.
Hope this helps. Be honest but be mindful.
I have been distancing myself from the school our children attend as the gossip is horrendous; and I found myself a recent victim of it. Thankfully, one of the mums told me about it, and she found it hilarious (she's Irish and called Hilary btw). I was supposed to have flirted with one of the other mums in the local gym. My understanding of the interaction I had with the mum was something significantly different: polite conversation in a public steam room and jacuzzi - nothing more.
Good luck, and watch your self - it can be disconcerting when you realise that much of your conversation is about views of other people...
see the meaninglessness of it.
that road leads to where? an endless conversation of how 2 or more people share the same perception of how they feel X person or persons should be the way they see fit.
to much noise and the universe will yawn! this can be known with mindfulness.
work on being less selfish. be more generous. fill yourself with more positive things.
if this is what your "friends" enjoy doing change the topic if they always seems to want to gossip change your "friends" chances are they are gossiping about you when your not around.
An ongoing practice of mindfulness, unrestrained by seriousness, jocularity or any other behavioral artificiality, can be enough to diffuse an impulse to gossip.
only one fighting occasional gossip.
It's true you know. What have you heard?
What are you afraid of losing if you give up the
craving and doing of it?
Just don't talk shit about people....especially if they
aren't around to speak for themselves.....would you
say it if they were standing there?
Precepts are a dynamic process, not commandments, thank God (oops).
I'm a nurse in a hospital, and gossip is the blood flowing in the veins of the body of the staff, or so it seems. I too am deliberately observing my (often disappointing) behavior and thought processes while interacting with my fellow nurses. A couple of days ago, I was eating my dinner and two nurses came in actively gossiping about another nurse (who of course, was not there that day). The subject of the gossip happens to challenge me almost every time I work with her, ie, challenge me to sit patiently instead of react to her. She is a troubled person with many, MANY personal and family issues, and tends to bring them all to work and gift the rest of us by acting out her anger and fear. During this acting out, she demands a lot of 'listening time' of me and requests for advice, which I do NOT dare give and remain on good terms with myself.
So I found myself leaning into the conversation . . . literally, my upper body pointed toward them like an antennae and my mind burst open with reams of potential contribution to the gossip. It felt like it would be SO pleasurable, a relief, to join in and tell them stories of my own about her. Even worse, the other nurses weren't using unkind language, it was very civilized gossip.
I just gave in and soon the three of us were rolling in luscious gossip. It felt great. My food even tasted better. I was circumspect; within my gossip contribution, I made sure to encourage the other nurses to understand the subject's apparent limitations in her discernment, interpersonal boundary problems, and lack of support in her home life :dunce: .
In examining my unskillful behavior, I remember feeling such RELIEF. Why? Well, first, it wasn't ME they were gossiping about; there was this sense of solidarity between the three of us, and the satisfaction of feeling "us good, her bad" even though we all said about a hundred times, "Now I really LIKE her, but . . . ."
Then I remember there was a time a few years ago when I burnt out, badly; several patients I'd gotten close to passed away and their family's anguish drained the last drop from me. I got drunk and posted something on Facebook, you know THAT kind of post you feel embarrassed to read on someone else's wall? Well, I was a lively topic of gossipful conversation for a couple of weeks. It hurt. Very much. The very thought of a bunch of people ENJOYING themselves, discussing my pain and self-humiliation over their dinners, feeling that righteous "not me!" , and the creative embellishments given to my suffering were elaborate and embarrassing. I still had people trying to 'hug' me for a month. The delight and glint in the eyes of the nurses I gossiped with the other night was in full form when they discussed me, I'll bank on it.
Folks who gossip about someone else with you are gossiping about you when you aren't there, you can bank on that too. People who gossip, gossip -- about everyone.
Being part of that dynamic, of 'using' another person's suffering (ie, bad behavior, inappropriate emotionalism, etc etc) to give yourself an injection of "me good!" is about as low as you can go. I would never say something deliberately hurtful to this nurse we discussed so avidly because it would HURT HER very badly. Just because she's not there to hear it, what I said would hurt her very badly whether I was 'right' or not.
We are not separate individuals, not really. We all hurt the same from unkind words. Why be part of something that would definitely hurt someone if they heard?
Even worse, enjoying gossip because it makes ME feel 'better' is quite disgusting, honestly. It's creepy, because I'm NOT better than her or anyone.
It's not about failing to live up to a commandment. When we indulge in gossip, we hurt people, including ourselves, period. How is gossiping (thus hurting) another person any less cruel and 'wrong' than slaughtering an animal and consuming it's carcass?
I hope this lesson really sticks to my ribs.
Gassho
Still, that didn't help when I go out for lunch my friend. So, on the way to meet with her I told myself to remember not to discuss about somebody else. So what else interesting thing do we talk about if we don't gossip? (She is not buddhist), then I decided to concentrate on her family, her career. When I finally had lunch with her, I started all kinds of questions about her work, her son, her sister, her father, her plan for vacation. The lunch went by fast and I made my friend very happy without gossipng about others.
Gossip is fun! It's a lot of hard work to stop it. The only way we can do is to replace it with something else equally interesting.
If we are a unity then what else is there to think? Recalling the source of bewilderment
is all you really need to get straight and stay that way. mtgby
I wanted to simply text my co-worker friend " oh yay.. she's back".. but I thought about it and didn't, which I'm glad of. It does kind of become a shared experience kind of thing, the gossip, and I think thats why people do it. Right Speech is a constant fight and it doesn't even have to be something as rough as texting someone " omg I hate this person did you hear they did this or that", it can be much more subtle and a good chance to really observe your ego at work.
The Buddha told it straight.. I love these sections from the Suttas -
The criteria for deciding what is worth saying
[1] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial (or: not connected with the goal), unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.
[2] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.
[3] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, but unendearing & disagreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them.
[4] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.
[5] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.
[6] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing & agreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them. Why is that? Because the Tathagata has sympathy for living beings."
— MN 58
and
Five keys to right speech
"Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?
"It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will."
— AN 5.198
and
Reflect on your speech, before, during, and after speaking
[The Buddha speaks to his son, Rahula:] "Whenever you want to perform a verbal act, you should reflect on it: 'This verbal act I want to perform — would it lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Is it an unskillful verbal act, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it would lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it would be an unskillful verbal act with painful consequences, painful results, then any verbal act of that sort is absolutely unfit for you to do. But if on reflection you know that it would not cause affliction... it would be a skillful verbal action with happy consequences, happy results, then any verbal act of that sort is fit for you to do.
"While you are performing a verbal act, you should reflect on it: 'This verbal act I am doing — is it leading to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Is it an unskillful verbal act, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it is leading to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both... you should give it up. But if on reflection you know that it is not... you may continue with it.
"Having performed a verbal act, you should reflect on it... If, on reflection, you know that it led to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it was an unskillful verbal act with painful consequences, painful results, then you should confess it, reveal it, lay it open to the Teacher or to a knowledgeable companion in the holy life. Having confessed it... you should exercise restraint in the future. But if on reflection you know that it did not lead to affliction... it was a skillful verbal action with happy consequences, happy results, then you should stay mentally refreshed and joyful, training day and night in skillful mental qualities."
— MN 61
Also check out Right Intention: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sacca/sacca4/samma-sankappo/
Also very insightful are the words describing the five factors of right wonderful speech;
spoken at the right time,
spoken in truth,
spoken affectionately,
spoken beneficially,
spoken with a mind of good will.
it brings me great joy to see so many people concerned and involved with working on making their contributions to the world, internal and external, as beneficial as possible for all beings.
the world runs on imagination ! (:
*cue john lennon song*