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Is There Something Wrong With Failing To React?

AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
in General Banter
The place where I work, there is a big tall guy who likes to use his size to intimidate. Every once in a while, he likes to come into my office and in a very loud voice, he likes to tell me there is something wrong with me, and criticize both me and my beliefs. He says he can't stand working in this office because someone with Buddhist beliefs works their.

Now I have often used him as an object of loving kindness and so I find this amusing. Well that really sends him into a tizzy. He yells at me for that too. He tells me there is something wrong with someone who tells him "I don't care". I think he is implying I am a psychopath because I don't demonstrate feelings like other people. I believe he is just frustrated that he can't make me cower. Is there something wrong with someone who doesn't react to an obvious attempt to intimidate?

Comments

  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran
    No
  • JonathandsJonathands
    I got to say, you're far more peaceful then me, I would have to left the place if someone came at me yelling
    robot said:

    I suppose another way to look at it is this.
    By not reacting you are demonstrating that his intimidation won't affect you, but you may be causing him undue suffering, as clearly it is making him more upset.
    Perhaps a heartfelt "go fuck yourself!" might satisfy him. He can go away happy.
    Or he may feel embarrassed and have to do some soul searching.
    Or he may bust you in the nose.

    What about the people around? does this affect them, the discomfort it causes or maybe the laugh they are having with the situation affect them negatively in some level? should he mind this?
  • AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
    edited December 2013
    You know, the thing is, I even wonder myself. I know there are times when I can get flustered and feel shaky. It used to happen to me all the time. Nowadays, it only lasts very briefly and then I tend to find it amusing.
  • BhikkhuJayasaraBhikkhuJayasara Bhikkhu Veteran
    edited December 2013
    hissing but not biting, a great talk on these kinds of situations. It's ok to stand up for youself.




    as for this gentleman, he is obviously in many negative mind states, giving metta to him is a great thing. He is deserving of empathy and understanding, not pitty though, pitty is arrogance and judgment.
    David
  • anatamananataman Who needs a title? Where am I? Veteran
    You need to go to your HR dept and get a copy of your 'bullying and harassment policy' and lodge a formal complaint with them, that is what they are both there for, after all. Perhaps others in the office feel the same but are unable to confront him either.

    Good luck

    riverflowJainarayan
  • JainarayanJainarayan Veteran
    anataman said:

    You need to go to your HR dept and get a copy of your 'bullying and harassment policy' and lodge a formal complaint with them, that is what they are both there for, after all. Perhaps others in the office feel the same but are unable to confront him either.

    Good luck

    True... there is a difference between having loving compassion and kindness for someone, and being bullied. I would not stand for the bullying and high-tail it to my boss, and then to HR if my boss didn't do anything. Who developed the martial arts for the most part? Monks because they encountered bandits, robbers, highwaymen and bullies. They probably didn't have any less compassion for their attackers as they kicked their asses.
    anatamancvalue
  • cvaluecvalue Veteran
    Maybe you can get yourself a notebook and write down the details in front of him, such as Mr X came to my desk on day-month-year hh:min. He said such and such. That might scare him to see you make a documentation about his bully. In the film Schindler's list, when Oskar Schindler sprayed water on the train for the suffocating and thirsty Jews inside, a German officer stopped him. Schindler looked stern and confident and took out a notebook and asked: "What's your name?". That made the German officer startle.
    Hamsaka
  • AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
    Well, I was just going to let it pass because it doesn't bother me but I guess I should give some kind of response. I'll talk to the HR folks at work. Thank you all for your kind input.
    jae
  • fivebellsfivebells Veteran
    I would talk to him directly before talking to HR. Bringing the institution in before trying to sort things out yourself will harm your image with your co-workers.
  • JainarayanJainarayan Veteran
    edited December 2013
    AllbuddhaBound said:

    Well, I was just going to let it pass because it doesn't bother me me but I guess I should give some kind of response ...

    Yes, because if he does it to you, he will probably do it to someone else who may be bothered by it. He is creating a hostile work environment. It's just something else to consider.
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    Jainarayan said:


    Yes, because if he does it to you, he will probably do it to someone else who may be bothered by it. He is creating a hostile work environment.

    Yes, and usually a bully will continue until challenged.
    betaboy
  • MaryAnneMaryAnne Veteran

    @Allbuddhabound

    He is creating a "hostile work environment". In America (I don't know where you are located) there are steps to take to report and stop this behavior.
    Also the fact that he is verbally smacking down on your religion is a BIG NO-NO when it comes to harassment and workplace behavior.
    I think you are handling things in a very admireable and Buddhist-like way...
    but there is nothing wrong with taking steps to put an end to this treatment from this guy.
    I'm sure you'd be doing everyone else in the workplace a huge favor too!
    betaboy
  • pyramidsongpyramidsong Veteran
    edited December 2013
    AllbuddhaBound said:

    The place where I work, there is a big tall guy who likes to use his size to intimidate. Every once in a while, he likes to come into my office and in a very loud voice, he likes to tell me there is something wrong with me, and criticize both me and my beliefs. He says he can't stand working in this office because someone with Buddhist beliefs works their.

    Now I have often used him as an object of loving kindness and so I find this amusing. Well that really sends him into a tizzy. He yells at me for that too. He tells me there is something wrong with someone who tells him "I don't care". I think he is implying I am a psychopath because I don't demonstrate feelings like other people. I believe he is just frustrated that he can't make me cower. Is there something wrong with someone who doesn't react to an obvious attempt to intimidate?

    Well, no, and he sounds like a jerk (and his bullying should be addressed as it is illegal), but you also sound a little self-satisfied. I think we all (yes, myself included) need to remember not to secretly congratulate ourselves on being so Buddhist. It's distasteful and not constructive. But definitely defend yourself through proper channels- if he's doing it to you, he'll do it to others. He sounds like a sad little man threatened by difference. You can have compassion for him but it doesn't make his actions ok.
  • betaboybetaboy Veteran
    robot said:


    Perhaps a heartfelt "go fuck yourself!" might satisfy him.

    Well, if he takes it literally, it will definitely satisfy him.:p
    misterCopeInvincible_summer
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    This is tricky in terms of the hostile work environment. As you describe it, it certainly is. But having dealt with this as an administrator an issue that will likely pop up if you go to HR is proof. Do you have any witnesses? Any evidence (such as recordings or anything he has written)? If not, it will come to his word against yours. And that's shaky ground.

    But, as another poster pointed out, bullies don't usually stop until they are forced to.
  • HamsakaHamsaka goosewhisperer Polishing the 'just so' Veteran
    AllbuddhaBound said:

    Well, I was just going to let it pass because it doesn't bother me but I guess I should give some kind of response. I'll talk to the HR folks at work. Thank you all for your kind input.

    That's very skillful :) He is a bully, and you are probably not the only person he attempts to intimidate. You will be reducing the suffering of others as well, or at least intending to, by reporting his behavior.

    Also, Robot had a most excellent point, but I'll take the tongue out of the cheek and say it is NOT GOOD FOR HIM to go around and bully and intimidate others. He is ignorantly going around making some serious karma for himself. A kindly being such as yourself are concerned for the state of his being; so, you use the available tools in your human resource dept as compassionate intent to reduce what must be, by now, a massive shitload of bad karma.

    Gassho :)

    Jainarayan
  • mindatriskmindatrisk Veteran
    It sounds to me like you are doing great, but only you know your mind, so keep observing that and ensure that it watertight. I wouldn't report him for bullying. To me he sounds like a gift that keeps giving and that you keep receiving! In the practice of patience ones enemy is our greatest gift etc. etc. To me, you are blessed, and you are blessing him by demonstrating such a wonderful example. It may seem to hurt him now, but in time he will be humbled and open to your way. Love never fails. Stay patient, and continue to perfect your craft. Bless you.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited December 2013
    To people who are trying to manipulate you or get a rise out of you, yes, there is something wrong with someone who doesn't react. You're not playing his game. From the perspective of a psychologically healthy, happy person, though, it's the right thing to do.

    Don't you have a supervisor to discuss this with?
  • NamadaNamada Veteran
    Same happend to me, and i didnt react to his bad behavior, if i did i think it would be even worser, because we was on the same shift/team, i could say bad things and so on, but this dosent help much for the work atmosphere, and iam not this kind a person either, instead I stick with it. And at that point i did nt know anything about buddhism... But what i did, was only freeze him out, and didnt speak with him, only when necessary. After a while other people reacted on his behavior, and they contacted the factory manager. Our manager have a very high temperament so he almost "beated" him up, and said I will never be a shift leader. After that I changed shift/team, and are now surround by much better people. So the karma finally reached him, and made balance for his actions. WHat i learned about this, stay calm when the weather is rough.
  • footiamfootiam Veteran
    AllbuddhaBound said:

    The place where I work, there is a big tall guy who likes to use his size to intimidate. Every once in a while, he likes to come into my office and in a very loud voice, he likes to tell me there is something wrong with me, and criticize both me and my beliefs. He says he can't stand working in this office because someone with Buddhist beliefs works their.

    Now I have often used him as an object of loving kindness and so I find this amusing. Well that really sends him into a tizzy. He yells at me for that too. He tells me there is something wrong with someone who tells him "I don't care". I think he is implying I am a psychopath because I don't demonstrate feelings like other people. I believe he is just frustrated that he can't make me cower. Is there something wrong with someone who doesn't react to an obvious attempt to intimidate?

    There definitely could be something wrong with a person who doesn't react. It could be his or her nervous system is damaged somewhere but don't worry- you are perfectly all right. I see you react in your own wise way. After all, you can't beat a bully who is bent on barking like a dog. You just have to continue being a mountain.
  • Dennis1Dennis1 Veteran
    You are doing the right action. Reacting would be the wrong thing-that is what he is doing. Now, if he is actually hurting someone else, standing up is the right thing.
    In that case you should stand up right away. Standing up for people is liberality.
    If you get punched-so what. Probably the bully will see your good action and withdraw.
    When you are not acting for self you gain great strength and altitude. Your presence is unmoving and unconquerable. This is a Bodhisattva way. Not in hostility or self righteousness but in human kindness-stand up. namaste
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