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Beat the Winter Blahs- HumoUr Thread

edited January 18 in General Banter
Why Old Men Don't Get Hired

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
federicaVastmindChazJeffreycvaluelobsterTheBeejAbideshowEvenThirdanatamanmisterCopepoptartDharmaMcBumGlowpersonDandelionAllbuddhaBoundsndymornCitta
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Comments

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator
    MY palms are absolutely itching to add the British 'U' to the word 'Humor' in the thread title!!)
    VastmindanatamanDandelion
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator
    'nah na-na naaa-nah!'
  • jaejae Veteran
    Why has an elephant got 4 feet?

    It would look wierd with three inches
    poptartAllbuddhaBoundInvincible_summer
  • jaejae Veteran
    My all time favourite...

    Did you hear about the man who had a dod with no legs?

    He called it cigarette and took it for a drag
    VastmindpersonAllbuddhaBound
  • federica said:

    MY palms are absolutely itching to add the British 'U' to the word 'Humor' in the thread title!!)

    Use the power! Make the change!
    Vastmindlobsteranatamansova
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    Me and the wife are inseparable. Sometimes it takes three-or-four people to separate us.
    anatamanpoptartAllbuddhaBound
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator
    What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit.....?



    ....An egg......
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    I recently attended a psychiatric conference in Autralia. They have the easiest job in the world over there.
    ' G 'day G'day...no worries mate....next !
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    If you are being chased by a police dog don't run through a tunnel, jump on a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire...they're trained for that !
    jaeAllbuddhaBound
  • jaejae Veteran
    @poptart ...that was a laugh out loud moment!! cheers x
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    I would just like to say to the elderly man on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket, who stole my wallet...you can hide but you can't run..
    sndymornInvincible_summermisterCope
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    When i was a kid i watched ' Mary Poppins ' so often i developed a defect of vision called
    Umdiddleiddlediddleumdiddle Eye.
    misterCope
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    I am so lazy my fire alarm has a snooze button.
    jaeanatamanAllbuddhaBound
  • GlowGlow Veteran
    This one (and another I will find and post later) I heard from Tara Brach, apropos of the change in the title of this thread:

    There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

    As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

    "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

    "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."

    "Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

    "Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old?" "I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

    Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

    Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.

    There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an `R', There's an `R' ..."

    The word was "celibrate."
    AllbuddhaBoundmisterCope
  • anataman said:

    How do you turn German beer into American beer?


    Drink it.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=how+many+craft+breweries+in+Michigan&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=np&source=hp
    US has some of the best craft beers in the world. There are 151 craft breweries in my state, Michigan, alone. Michigan has the 5th highest breweries of all states; there are 50 states.
    jaehowInvincible_summer
  • anatamananataman Sitting comfortably ji ji muge Veteran
    Jeffrey said:

    anataman said:

    How do you turn German beer into American beer?

    Drink it.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=how+many+craft+breweries+in+Michigan&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=np&source=hp
    US has some of the best craft beers in the world. There are 151 craft breweries in my state, Michigan, alone. Michigan has the 5th highest breweries of all states; there are 50 states.
    Sorry for the piss poor joke@Jeffery.


    poptartAllbuddhaBoundsndymornInvincible_summer
  • anataman said:

    Jeffrey said:

    anataman said:

    How do you turn German beer into American beer?

    Drink it.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=how+many+craft+breweries+in+Michigan&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=np&source=hp
    US has some of the best craft beers in the world. There are 151 craft breweries in my state, Michigan, alone. Michigan has the 5th highest breweries of all states; there are 50 states.
    Sorry for the piss poor joke@Jeffery.


    It's a good joke but it would be better if the butt of the joke was budweiser, millers, and coors.
  • To be fair @Jeffrey, you just named the three US beers that most Europeans have been exposed to. Also over here we get Budweiser Budwar from the original Czech brewery which is a whole different kettle of fish.

    Right back on topic.
  • anatamananataman Sitting comfortably ji ji muge Veteran
    OK

    What's the similarity between American beer and having sex in a canoe?

    They are both fucking close to water.
    Invincible_summerEvenThirdmisterCope
  • anatamananataman Sitting comfortably ji ji muge Veteran
    Sorry enough of the American Beer Jokes

    A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
    VastmindpersonjaeStraight_Man
  • anatamananataman Sitting comfortably ji ji muge Veteran
    Ok That was a bit ageist

    A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them.

    The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
    AllbuddhaBoundjaeTheBeejAbidespoptart
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    anataman said:

    Ok That was a bit ageist

    No prob...we got good bra's for that now a days, hahaha...
    They look like age 24 all over again .... :D
    anatamanTheBeejAbides
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    Feminists..I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.
    jaeTheBeejAbidespersonpoptart
  • A Buddhist goes to a hotdog vendor and orders one with everything on it. He hands the vendor a 20. The vendor takes it and smiles at the Buddhist until he asks, "We'll aren't you going to give me my change?"

    The vendor laughs and says, "Change comes from within!"
    jaepersonAllbuddhaBoundpoptart
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    Terrorists blew up the centre of Manchester England. It caused 3 million £'s worth of improvements.
    federicaAllbuddhaBoundpoptart
  • anatamananataman Sitting comfortably ji ji muge Veteran
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
    AllbuddhaBoundJeffreypoptart
  • Some of you may object to hunting, especially trophy hunting. But one time on safari to the dark continent, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got in my pajamas, I will never know.
    Invincible_summerpoptart
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

























    A: Throw forks at her.
    misterCope
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    My niece has just married a Chinese millionaire....Cha Ching !
    anatamanChe
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    My dad did so much for me, he came from humble stock, he was a roofer.
    So dad, if you're up there....
    jaeanatamanChe
  • CittaCitta Veteran
    Dad was a man of few words. He said, " son "....
    anatamansova
  • jaejae Veteran
    What do you call a Chinese man walking around Birmingham with a black eye?



    Who smacked yow
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