Doubts of a fair weather Buddhist
zenguitar
Bad BuddhistNew England Veteran
Greetings, generous Sangha. Here is something that has been bugging me. I have reached a point in my practice where I can handle relatively minor annoyances and pains (e.g. getting stuck in traffic, dealing with a difficult person, stubbing my toe, etc) with some aplomb, by practicing mindfulness of breathing and by being aware of the impermanence of everything. As a result, I don't suffer nearly as much as when I let my emotions run haywire.
But these are relatively minor and short-lived forms of dukkha. I am much less confident of my ability to weather a real storm, that is, a really severe personal crisis, or intense mental and/or physical suffering (examples might be terminal illness or the tragic passing of a close loved one). I am wondering, have any of you been able to withstand severe suffering like this by using Buddhist techniques? If so, what technique did you use, and how did you manage to reach such a strong and rarified level of practice?
Comments
No good asking me.
This morning on my bike, after giving a wide berth to a van driver preparing to open his door with mindfulness only for his mobile phone, the same driver overtook me at the next corner, no indication, cut me up.
My loud comment was, 'which way are you going you fu@&ing idiot?'. Fortunately he had his window down so he could hear my expletive blessing. The indicator sheepishly went on too late to make a difference . . .
I iz bad! However the mindless behaviour of others sometimes requires a wrathful face off . . .
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"If problems can be solved, why worry. If it cannot be solved, what is the use of worrying."
It helped me get through the darkest part of my life.
You never know until you have tried.
And it is your effort that matters. You might be splendid at dealing with death in your family but burn down in tears if you favourite Ice cream melts too fast...
It is about how you catch yourself and what you do when you do.
There is no magic involved. Practice makes better. Perfect? not there yet.
Firstly I'd advise against thinking that a rarefied level of practice is something beyond this very moment of practice. All events can only be experienced or practiced with, one moment at a time.
Buddhist meditation is not about being something you are not, it is about being able to really be who you are.
If that is finding some moments too overpowering to address with equanimity, then that is just where you are on the path towards sufferings cessation.
I would personally say that what is more important than one meditation technique over another is your willingness to manifest the value of what ever meditation you practice above all other values.
I refuse to go into great detail on public forum. First, because it's nobody else's business but my own. Secondly, you never know who might be reading.
Suffice to say that life has thrown up some.... extremely interesting "challenges" in the past few years... it has been a bit of a roller-coaster ride, with the downs significantly more in number than the ups. Put it this way, looking back, I'm looking uphill. But I'm sure I'm due an 'up' soon!
I'm not saying my crises have been any worse than anyone else's. I'm not into comparisons, because it's not the trial, it's the tenacity. You never know how good you are at working with the hand you've been dealt, until the chips are down. That's the only time that Effort really pays off.
You build those coping skills over time, OP. But the main thing to understand, I think, is that Buddhism isn't about suppressing emotions like grief over a loved-one's death. The point is to let the emotion flow through you rather than blocking it, and to let it go when you're done grieving. It's about not clinging, and not getting "stuck". It's human to grieve, so--be human.
Buddhism isn't a philosophy of Stoicism, though it's misunderstood that way sometimes. Allow yourself to grieve. And by the same token, allow yourself great joy. Then, after the ecstasy, the laundry.
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First and foremost, a basic Buddhist teaching that will take you far: dwell in the present moment. Don't put yourself in bad-case-scenarios until the potentiality actually materializes. Why agonize beforehand over tragedies that might never take place?
The Buddha said we should be warriors, so go about your life in the frame of mind that the Dharma you internalize will serve you well to smash whatever roadblock life puts in your path, should that ever be the case.
A little over two years ago I had a stillbirth. Losing a child is, in my humble experience, the most tragic thing that can ever take place in anybody's life.
I stayed a couple of days in the hospital, surrounded by as many books on Buddhism as my husband could get hold of on the way out home.
I simply gave myself permission to wallow. I cried all the time, everywhere, for as long as I felt the need to cry. No shame about it.
But at the same time, I worked on my own healing by keeping strictly to my yoga and meditation routine, and reading down a big pile of -how could it be otherwise- more Buddhist books.
I trusted time would help with the healing, a step that can't be neither overlooked nor hurried, but also took a proactive approach on helping myself heal.
And yes, both the doctrine and the practice were instrumental in my healing.
Why bad things happen, we'll never know. That you can do something about it, that I know.
What are you afraid you will do? Get a machine gun and go on a killing spree instead of breathe mindfully? Just illustrating the 'absurd', this isn't personal at all
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You'll withstand severe suffering and it doesn't matter AT ALL that you 'act like a Buddhist or else'. Being a Buddhist doesn't mean you'll breathe mindfully while identifying your loved one in a morgue. Being a Buddhist doesn't mean anything.
Withstanding severe suffering is simply continuing to stay alive until the suffering eases and ceases. It takes no special abilities to do that. You breathe in and out no matter who dies around you or gets cancer. That is just how it works. I lost a partner in 1999 to cancer. It was both insulting and mind-blowing to see the rest of the world actually CONTINUING AS IF NOTHING WERE HAPPENING (to me). It hurt so bad that I could not stand to be alive in my body but my body kept breathing, getting hungry, going to the bathroom, getting restless, getting hot or cold and wanting the opposite.
"Buddhists" as I understand it don't do anything that does not naturally and organically occur to them. Circumstances do not matter, they do not draw out 'more Buddha like behavior' or less. It LOOKS as if this is the case, but that is because you/we are locked within a narrow perspective -- our own, and how we IMAGINE Buddhists to behave (or even in witnessing their behavior) has nothing to do with what is manifesting within that person.
You will naturally 'be Buddha' to the extent of your awakening. Soon, you'll look back and realize you don't lose your temper any more. You aren't trying to be Buddhist, therefor refusing to lose your temper. You just aren't losing it. The conditions that led to you losing your temper are gone. The karma has shifted. The more mindful you are, the less reactive you'll be and naturally, you'll suffer less. But to expect there to be some kind of Get Out of Suffering Free Card if you work hard enough is a distortion of cause and effect, all because little ole you and me having such tiny little windows of perspective.
This is something you DEFINITELY do not need to worry about, I promise
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I've heard the only yard stick is your level of equanimity during any experience.
It's not about avoiding all the suffering but if you shorten it's life span your winning!
For instance I found myself getting anxious over a workout I was doing today. It had an audience which I struggle with.
I then caught myself out and focused on the present. I would of been anxious for longer a few months ago!
Improvement is the key!
@hamsaka, that's great, it's true I sometimes am looking for a "get out of suffering free" card. When I realize I'm not going to get it, part of me is disappointed and wonders why I bother practicing Buddhism at all. What am "I" getting out of it? But the wiser part of me realizes how silly this is and just laughs at it. Maybe that is one small step towards realization...
Thanks everyone.
Practicing Buddhism is like building up a muscle, some things require a larger muscle than others. That just takes time to build up.
Maybe think of your question in terms of a metaphor. If you were just starting to jog and you said you were able to run around the track a couple times ok but were worried about being able to run a 10k or a marathon. Even if you had to run really far and got really winded and exhausted you'd still be better at it than if you had never practiced jogging at all.
That's why we practice. When it's time for a big game and we're called off the bench....we have some plays we've been tryin' out......Some will come to us automatically (muscle memory)....and some we'll have to think about.....but we have them none the less. You'll do fine with your X's and O's.
I am a "depends on the circumstances" kind of person, so I am going to go into details.
In 2007, I was served with a court order banning me from all contact with my two children. The order was made whilst I was in hospital. I had no notice of it and still do not understand why it was made. They were then 3 and 11. My son was just about to start boarding school. I was not allowed to be there for him.
For four years, I did everything I could to fight this order. All that happened was that more and more expert reports were ordered. This was hugely expensive. I spent some £45,000 on it and believe their father spent a total of some £300,000.
Eventually, through meditation, I decided that I could no longer continue to bang my head against this particular brick wall and needed to put my energies into building a life for myself. I had moved 8 times in 6 years. I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and stress induced depressive illness. The stress of the court appearances and continued disappointment of my hopes from believing lawyers that things would be different next time just resulted in relapse after relapse.
I can see the benefits of what I have been through. I have learnt patience and I have discovered that I can endure. The pain of this is still with me every day and I have not given up hope of some day finding a solution regarding my daughter. My dog and my cat give me solace. I remarried in November last year and my relationship with my husband gives me great joy. I know I would not have had the space in my life to build this relationship had I still been giving all my time to my children and the career I was no longer well enough to continue in 2003. Having communities in which I can share my journey adds to this solace - including the newly discovered community here.
Now my son is 18, the court order no longer applies to him. He has chosen to come to live with me - plus girlfriend. After the travelling they are both doing this summer, they plan to move in on 1 September. Because I decided to put my energies into making a life for myself and finding myself a home that was big enough for both children, I am able to make that choice available to him. Have to admit that, having lived on my own for so long, I am a little apprehensive but they have both seen me ill so know what they are letting themselves in for. Plus both are hoping to get places at University and, in that case, will only use this as a holiday base. It won't make up for all the years I have missed but I have gained so much from those years that I hope I can now be a better friend/landlord (?) to them both, can provide an environment in which they can choose to enjoy themselves.
I have learnt that I am powerless over others but also that I can change how much power I give others over me. As I build my spiritual muscle, that power diminishes. I have discovered how to live rather than just how to survive. I am grateful.
Thanks for the reminder - MUST get my washing out!
First of all, @Hamsaka, I wish I could have double-awesomed that post of yours, it was sooo great.
@zenguitar, don't live in apprehension of dukkha's blows. When it strikes, it simply strikes and you have to deal with it as best you can, with all the physical and psychological strength you can muster at the moment.
Enjoy yourself, brace yourself and trust that when this happens -if it does at all- you'll be ready to see yourself through the situation.
You bother practicing Buddhism at all because, in my opinion, it is the best psychological system that can help you understand what affliction is about and what you can do to stare at affliction in the face.
I found no other religious system doing that better than Buddhism. That's just my opinion, of course.
You don't and WON'T need a Get Out of Suffering Free card, that's the beauty and the 'promise' of the teachings.
Shit still happens (that's a Zen saying by the way
). IMAGINING shit happening versus the actual shit happening is just an unnecessary buzz kill. It's the difference between imagining about an apple and eating an apple. We get into all kinds of trouble imagining and anticipating the apple, but just eating it is so simple, one sense and response follows the next, making all that imagination, in retrospect, a waste of the present moment 
As many on here know, I am suffering from a terminal illness and I am trying to come to terms with it. I have my good days and my not so good days. It's a work in progress. I've had to reassess how I view my life but sometimes I still lose my patience with the little things when I should just let them go.
In short, life is a work in progress. Buddhism is a work in progress. So is my practise.
Metta,
Raven
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Hey zenguitar when learning mindfulness training, you have to also practice emotions & feelings control practice..Mindfulness distraction or mindfulness meditation for any unwanted negative thoughts you receive, & emotions & feelings control practice for when you receive unwanted emotions & feelings from another person or thing..The thing to remember & it's very important to remember, is mindfulness practice should be practiced when ever you can, not just when you need it for help..So practice when you eat, cook, clean, shower, work, walk, talk etc (maintain concentration on what your doing at the time), but don't go over the top with it as it takes a good few months of practice/realising..As you train your training yourself to realise that you already have full control of your emotions & feelings, if you can realise how to do it which you will if you carry on training..It's very important to understand that it's like riding a bike or learning to swim only a lot harder, your already trying it this way & that way without even realising how or what your doing & you are improving, albeit slowly you have improved..So just keep on practicing until it starts to work, & you will know when that is..I can't quite remember as i started about a year ago, but it must have taken me a good month or so before i even started to get the gist of the training..The training takes you beyond being mindful of breathing, to a point you can just be mindful of seeing..SarahT mentioned one of the magic words which is "patience", you have to learn patience as you do it because you will need a lot of it.
In the end the only thing that can help is unconditional confidence. That is the kind of confidence that can go into any situation including grief, war, illness, and whatever we are not prepared for. Conditional confidence is something like being used to your crazy cousin Larry or used to a very cold winter. In coping with everything falling apart we may discover that what we actually can rely on and even what we actually are is unconditional confidence. The mind is luminous and when we just let samsara be as it is eventually the mind will understand. Can take some squirming, but because mind is spacious there is always space to wiggle and experiment artfuly. Unconditional confidence would help with complete equanimity.
Kia Ora @zenguitar,
When reading your post this came to mind:
"Great Faith and Great Doubt are two ends of a spiritual walking stick. We grip one end with the grasp given to us by our Great Determination. We poke into the underbrush in the dark on our spiritual journey. This act is real spiritual practice -- gripping the Faith end and poking ahead with the Doubt end of the stick. If we have no Faith, we have no Doubt. If we have no Determination, we never pick up the stick in the first place."
Sensei Sevan Ross, director of the Chicago Zen Center.
Metta Shoshin .
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Life itself is a terminal illness. Most of us never come to terms with death. We only realise we were alive when death is close.
Thanks for being with us. Being with good people, with family, with friends, with sangha, with practice, with medicine, with hope, with good will . . . all this is a precious gift . . .
Metta to you.
Practice can help with times of crisis, but not always.
I was diagnosed with Non- Hodgkin Lymphoma and being able to deal with that and not freak out I attribute to my shamatha practice.
The loss of my father is a different story. When I got the call that his time was short, I'd just had a couple bong hits. I was freaking out a bit, and although I'm not a fan of practicing when intoxicated, I recalled my being taught that there was nothing that couldn't be brought to the cushion, and decided to practice instead of just freaking out. It was one of the most profound meditative experiences I've ever had. On the other hand, a couple days later when he did die, I was bereft, unconsolable, a complete wreck, didn't sleep a wink for days, and it took several weeks of grief counseling to come to grips with it.
So, sometimes practice helps. Sometimes practice can save you. Sometimes you have to roll with the punches.
You don't have to be some sort of practice rock star. Just remember your instruction.