Hi guys! Namaste.
I would like to share where I am at so far on the journey, the reason is so that you guys can see where I am coming from and I'd love to hear your advice or your own stories.
I'll try put this into words as best as I can,
My understanding so far is that I may not just be the body and mind. I still feel I make decisions and have a strong reflex to associate myself as the body/mind complex. Mostly when I'm around people.
However a lot of the time during self inquiry (asking who is the perceiver of thoughts) I become awareness.
Then I can see the body and mind functioning however I am separate from it. Everything becomes equal in observation. I can not find the observer and there is a strong depersonalisation.
I can see the ego/thoughts objectively and become the observer of thoughts rather than the thinker.
The whole scope of vision becomes your experience but you are not separate from it. Rather it feels like you ARE all experience.
This sometimes has a peaceful feeling to it but the mind/ego hates this. I've had intense fear arise but I know it's just the mind trying to understand what's happening. The problem is I can't stay as awareness for long before I associate as the mind again.
The person comes back. . .
It's like the awareness literally dreams it's a person, and when you become awareness again it's obvious. Only the reflex to associate is do strong.
I really have no idea who I am but I have a huge understanding I'm not the body or mind. It stills feels like I am though so I'm not sure how to see through it totally. I can see that presence has no concerns for anything, it simply observes existence. This is why I feel this is a good path to understand how to end suffering. Passive awareness doesn't suffer but a person does.
My plan is to keep trying to maintain being "presence" and not person. I am doing self inquiry and sitting meditation. I'm also planning on going to India to see if I can clear some things up.
My biggest questions are 1) I know I am presence but what is it? 2) presence doesn't feel like enlightenment (as described) so I am missing something, I've heard it as understanding that which is aware of presence is nirvana.
So that's where I'm at guys, I've been practicing for about 2 years now.
How about you guys? Thoughts? Sorry for the novel.