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Living alone

Do you think it is possible to be mentally healthy by living by yourself and having pretty much no social life at all?

Comments

  • @Shoshin that is awesome, very inspiring! Dont you ever miss someone to share your life with?

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    No not really @dantepw,

    In the beginning it was not easy, there was a sense of deep felt loneliness, the loneliness that comes from the attachment of having lived with the illusion of a permanent unchanging self, a self that clung to the notion of separation which more often than not lead to self pity ...

    The more I chipped away at this sense of a permanently abiding unchanging self ( using meditation as the tool ) the more interconnected I felt to other sentient beings..

    In a sense, nowadays I 'share' my life with others (all the beings I interact with) and many share their lives with me...I share in their happiness, their sadness,their joy, their pain...Knowing that it's all short lived "anicca" ....

    dantepwupekkammo
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran

    I have lived alone for many years and I am really content with it. It is important for me to spend time with friends though.
    I did a lot of solitary retreats years ago. The longest was 2-months and by the end of that one I really didn't want to come back to "civilisation". There is a great peace and simplicity about solitude, also you get to know yourself really well.

    Shoshindantepwmmorohit
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran

    Associatively, this topic makes me think of a self-imposed early-warning system I used to use in Zen practice:

    "Sitting alone bestows great power, but is at risk of pride. Sitting in a group confers balance, but risks laziness."

    FWIW

    dantepwlobsterInvincible_summer
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran

    @genkaku said: "Sitting alone bestows great power, but is at risk of pride. Sitting in a group confers balance, but risks laziness."

    I find meditating with other people quite distracting these days! Bah humbug to group sits. ;)

    lobster
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran

    @SpinyNorman -- Two [group sit] snippets aroused here ... at the risk of derailing the OP:

    1. The metaphor of the Chinese potato farmer who, when his potatoes had matured, gathered them in a burlap bag and threw them into a stream. The current forced the potatoes to rub against each other ... and become clean.

    2. A conversation with a long-standing student at a time when I was into my bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed, go-get-'em phase of Zen practice at the Zen center we both attended. I said, "I find it easy to love the people here, but I find it harder to like them." "That's odd," she replied. "I find it easy to like them but hard to love them."

    Invincible_summer
  • lobsterlobster Veteran
    edited September 2015

    @SpinyNorman said:
    I find meditating with other people quite distracting these days! Bah humbug to group sits. ;)

    Tee hee, even sitting still in total silence, people are 'noisy' ...

    silverupekkaVastmind
  • Great insights.

    I think the most difficult barrier is indeed dealing with loneliness at first, as @Shoshin said. I should give it a go for like 1 week and see how it turns out :)

  • I lived with someone for 20 yrs or so, but I never got the hang of sharing everything the way some couples do. It got me in trouble eventually.
    Now I've lived alone for more than 10 years which suits me. Apart from the 4 months that I'm forced to spend with a crewman on the boat each year. As an older man solitude makes sense. I dont need any help and there are things I want to do for myself.
    I think there is a good chance that living alone with little social life is not healthy for a younger person. Or perhaps it is an unhealthy mental state that results in that situation.
    Of course it can be a healthy choice for some rare individuals.

    dantepwsilverVastmindShoshin
  • My cousin is a perfect hermit and he is the happiest/wisest person I have ever met. He doesn't feel any jealousy/anger/anxiety at all. It's amazing how mindful he is and how much he takes his time to do whatever, and he is free of spiritual paths/religions (he doesn't even know what buddhism is but he's totally one in my perspective, as I've told him once hahaha).

    He was diagnosed with non-severe autism (he can talk/touch other people, even though he rather not to), I suppose that is the cause why he loves being alone.

    I'm not sure if he's wise because he spends most of his time by himself or if he spends most of his time by himself because he is wise, lol.

    silverShoshin
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    @dantepw said:
    Great insights.

    I think the most difficult barrier is indeed dealing with loneliness at first, as Shoshin said. I should give it a go for like 1 week and see how it turns out :)

    @dantepw be careful.... the moment one sets a deadline, especially regarding doing something they already feel could be an unpleasant experience eg, " I'll give it a week!" they could well be setting them self up for failure...

    I think it's best to just do it with no expectations/conditions attached...this way you won't feel let down, ie, beat your selve up, should you not keep to the deadline...

    dantepwsilver
  • @Shoshin Interesting point. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it's very nice to hear from others! :)

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    Nice poem @Cinorjer <3 it really captures the experience...

    Because the idea of a "Soul" can be somewhat controversial ...
    I hope you don't mind, I've tweaked/made a slight adjustment to the ending (in my mind that is :) ) :

    "I put aside my daily roll:
    In solitude I air my sole."

    ie, go for a walk :lol:

    ( a slight shift in perspective and letters-but still captures the experience-for the soulless ie like my soulless self :lol: )

    Cinorjer
  • Today I would write:

    ...I put aside the daily grind.
    In solitude, I air my mind.

    How's that?

    VastmindShoshin
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    I'd just like to point out that anyone with a dog is never alone.
    With a cat, yes.

    A dog? Never.

    dantepwmmo
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    I think we are also conditioned - or even maybe, biologically programmed - to remain within close distance of other beings. We have always had this 'safety in numbers' community/tribal urgency, to keep within an enclave, a gathering or community.

    It happens with clubs, associations, religions, everything. You can't escape from it, almost, particularly in this era where communication is faster and more efficient than it has ever been. Satellite tracking means that if you have an operational mobile phone, you might even be in the remotest part of the world, and they might still be able to pinpoint your location.
    We want to 'belong'.
    Even if it's to that small, elite list of people who made it entirely on their own.
    Solitude is in itself, a closet group of specialist individuals....

    CinorjermmoVastmind
  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran

    @dantepw said:
    Do you think it is possible to be mentally healthy by living by yourself and having pretty much no social life at all?

    That depends on what you define as "healthy."

    At the risk of sounding judgmental, I'd say that being more or less isolated would warp the sense of what is "healthy" and affect one's interactions with people when one decides to interact with others.

    Can it be done without needing to be institutionalized? Sure. I'm sure many do it. It's just that, from my experience, a lack of socialization tends to exacerbate anti-social behaviour, since one isn't used to socializing. Just like with dogs - those who aren't properly socialized tend to scare other people/dogs because they don't have acceptable reactions to things. The comparison may be crass, but I've noticed it in myself and others.

    But if you don't care, then I guess it's "healthy" for yourself. Maybe not to others. Depends on what your priorities are, I suppose.

    dantepwsilverVastmind
  • @Invincible_summer after contemplating into this subject and seeing everybody's opinion in here, I believe it is just about equilibrating, as Buddha always said, finding the middle way! :)

    I don't think now that living by yourself is something bad. But letting go completely of family/friends/social life does sound quite harmful and unhealthy, in my opinion.

  • @dantepw said:
    Invincible_summer after contemplating into this subject and seeing everybody's opinion in here, I believe it is just about equilibrating, as Buddha always said, finding the middle way! :)

    I don't think now that living by yourself is something bad. But letting go completely of family/friends/social life does sound quite harmful and unhealthy, in my opinion.

    I think you got it there.

  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    @dantepw said:
    Invincible_summer after contemplating into this subject and seeing everybody's opinion in here, I believe it is just about equilibrating, as Buddha always said, finding the middle way! :)

    I don't think now that living by yourself is something bad. But letting go completely of family/friends/social life does sound quite harmful and unhealthy, in my opinion.

    Well, that's generally true, but there are scads of dysfunctional families and intensely abusive family members - what abuse isn't, eh? Getting away is sometimes the only way to save yourself in those situations...it's a matter of luck and general intelligence that can turn your life around, and some will end up surrounded by loving people and some aren't so lucky. I've always felt that life is just one big ol' crap shoot. I've lived alone off and on, and there were 2 very special times in my life when I had lots of peeps in my life and it was good to great (the 2nd time, I lived alone) - but all the times I lived alone were drama-free for the most part. Independence is pretty cool.

    mmodantepw
  • rohitrohit Maharrashtra Veteran

    I would always prefer to be alone than to live with abusive, manner less or kind of people which are not good to be around.

    "The one who keeps company with fools
    Will be sorry for a long time.
    It's painful to live with fools,
    Like being always with an enemy.”

    mmosilverWalkerStraight_Man
  • inyoinyo Explorer

    When my girlfriend went on a month long trip to visit her family, I initially had a terrible time adjusting to being alone. I'd never really lived alone so it sort of shocked me. After I cried for awhile I started listening to music and "nesting." I'd put on music and re-arrange the house and buy things to decorate. After two or three weeks I really was in my own groove and felt very secure and comfortable. This was at a time I wasn't very social and spent a lot of the time alone at home. I had adjusted so much that I had to adjust again to living with someone.

    A sort of off-topic side story...during the time I was alone I ran across a huge cockroach in my house, it was the biggest I'd ever seen. My girlfriend usually would take the bugs out. I brought out a box and a broom and as I was trying to scoop it into the box I scared myself so bad that I clenched a butt muscle so hard that I pulled my butt muscle out of place, I didn't even know that was possible! and it hurt sooo bad I could hardly stand! I very awkwardly managed to get it out. My butt muscle hurt for awhile though.

    dantepwkarasti
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    Too easy, @inyo. o:)

    That was a difficult time for you, butt...you'll...be..better...soon. (she's back now, right?)
    ;)

  • inyoinyo Explorer

    @silver haha yes

  • I've spent the last 3 months alone. New job in a far-away state, wife with contractual obligations (she'll move here next month). I moved out of a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood in a spectacularly beautiful location to a cheap shabby one bedroom apartment with a sleeping bag, a microwave, a guitar, and two bicycles. I have not sought or created a social life. Perhaps knowing that this is a transitional state makes it tolerable, but it doesn't feel "tolerable" -- it feels really just fine. It feels like other times in my life when I've been quite alone. I expected misery, but it's perfectly satisfactory.

    I think some people are just wired this way. I didn't do any emotional preparation and it doesn't feel like I'm particularly enduring anything. Just living my life, going to work, learning my way around the local environment. It doesn't feel healthy or unhealthy, good or bad.

    dantepwsilver
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran

    @inyo said: A sort of off-topic side story...during the time I was alone I ran across a huge cockroach in my house, it was the biggest I'd ever seen.

    There are all kinds of things you learn to do when you live by yourself. ;)

    Invincible_summer
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