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Meditation After Arguments

This is the one I struggle with, the one time I don't find a little inner peace.

Is there a particular Sutta that will help clear my mind or just enough to hush that little voice that say "it's always me carrying the olive branch", knowing it will eventually turn into the same battle again with me wanting to talk about something that upsets me greatly and the other party saying they don't want to talk about it or screaming "DON'T KEEP ON" if I say it bothers me.

All I want to do is just walk away and have a little sit down and clear my thoughts until the next time it happens.

Comments

  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran

    Ah, you do make me laugh at times @lobster :)

    This is a tough one @FairyFeller - I have found after several years of meditation that I do calm down a bit quicker after a fight with the better half but I'd be a liar if I said I've been able to overcome feelings of anger, resentment, etc. after a disagreement.

    Perhaps you need to take some measures to avoid the conflict in the first place? Not knowing your situation I can't really advise on what that may be though.

  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator

    More arguments stem from expectations. Something we wanted or expected someone else to do, didn't happen. It's a good time to look back and see what expectation was dashed. Sometimes, no matter how much we want, our spouses, best friends, and children simply cannot meet our needs because what we need or want, goes against what they need or want. Sometimes, we need to find other acceptable ways to meet our needs. Everyone argues about different things.

    It sounds like whatever is going on with you guys most often is something that you argue about frequently. So when can you get together, without kids around (if applicable) to talk about whatever the frequent issue is? What can you give up (again, if applicable) and what can your partner give up? Compromise works well only when each person has to sacrifice something, otherwise there is resentment. Of course, compromise can work across multiple areas to reach an agreement that is acceptable.

    Bunkslobster
  • I think Pema Chodron calls it letting go of the story lines. But before letting the story lines go you have to notice them and let them be there and be noticed.

    karasti
  • I actually do walk away sometimes.

    Most arguments are claches of the ego and once locked in struggles iTS difficult to diffuse the situation.

    Once were both a bit cooled down I reopen conversation.

  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    @FairyFeller said, "All I want to do is just walk away and have a little sit down and clear my thoughts until the next time it happens."

    then just do that. :mrgreen:

    [p.s. I'm working on this very thing of late]

    mmo
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    Like @Bunks more or less said

    Perhaps you need to take some measures to avoid the conflict in the first place

    "Tis better to meditate 'before' an argument arises !" (in other words staying mindful reduces the chances of it turning into a full blown argument :) )

    lobsterkarasti
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    The other day at work, I was faced with two separate personally 'challenging' situations. In both cases, I felt quite frustrated at the way things had developed, evolved and concluded, and I felt a sense of dissatisfaction, frustration and mild injustice... Ghah! Not one, but twice!!

    ...Friends/colleagues who had been a part of these situations, or had witnessed them, concurred and sympathised.... and then I said out loud,
    "Well. let's put this in perspective, guys. We're not in Paris."

    And they all agreed.

    "There's always someone worse off than you are" is one of the most trite, unsympathetic and utterly fatuous pieces of pseudo-comforting advice there is. Every time I hear it, it makes me even more frustrated, and I feel like decking the speaker with a south-paw upper cut....

    But putting things into perspective for myself, makes me feel a little better, a little luckier, a little blessed... and leaves me asking "What, really, the hell am I complaining about?"

    lobster
  • @federica said:

    "There's always someone worse off than you are" is one of the most trite, unsympathetic and utterly fatuous pieces of pseudo-comforting advice there is. Every time I hear it, it makes me even more frustrated, and I feel like decking the speaker with a south-paw upper cut....

    Tee Hee. <3
    'Do not underestimate the trite side of The Force'

  • DavidDavid some guy Veteran

    It seems like you may be caught in some kind of a loop. You want to be heard and the other is frustrated because of this.

    In my mind I see it coming to a head with you both end up saying exasperated "You just don't listen"

    I could be interpreting wrong though.

  • @FairyFeller said:
    All I want to do is just walk away and have a little sit down and clear my thoughts until the next time it happens.

    Sounds like an awesome plan <3

    https://creativeconflictwisdom.wordpress.com/2011/03/27/conflict-resolution-the-buddhist-approach/

    Bunks
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran

    Is there a particular Sutta that will help clear my mind

    I think the one that says "don't get into arguments to begin with" would be quite helpful! As long as it's practiced.

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