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How did you fall in love with the one you are with now?

Hi friends,

As the title suggests, I am asking you a very personal question. :awesome: please don't mind me.
I want to meet someone, but don't really have much experience in dating.
On top of that, I am a shy person in a different culture, which I think definitely gets in the way.

I find males put much importance on the physical chemistry when dating. It is something which I find a bit of struggle for me.
I like to develop trust first. Only based on trust, something can be developed for that. Is it what people do in western countries or do I need to meet more people?

Thank you. :)

Earthninjalobsteryagr

Comments

  • online dating sites is an idea. myself and some others I know had success there.

    mmoShoshin
  • mmommo Veteran

    I think the issue for me is not about meeting people. It is more about not being familiar with the process.

  • I don't know that there is a certain process. I guess you could read things but I never did and just let instinct be there. I think it's important to share fun things to do and to talk to each other and get to know them.

    WalkerVastmind
  • mmommo Veteran

    20 years is actually some time ago. :) people have changed I guess.

  • howhow Veteran

    @mmo
    Right back at ya

    I think being able to answer some basic questions about "love" is a good place to start.

    Is there really a difference between self and other in the presence of love?

    Can you love another, more or less, than you can love yourself?

    What is the same or different, in loving oneself compared to loving someone else?

    Nirvanammo
  • racerskaracerska Indiana, USA Explorer
    edited December 2015

    It may sound contrite, but I don't think it's a thing you can plan on. I met my husband at a convention, we hit it off. We didn't date right away, we were just friends. After a couple years he said he was interested in a romantic relationship. I was shy and younger than him, so I was hesitant. But we took it slow, we knew each other really well from being friends, and after a couple years of being a couple we got married.

    That was 15 years ago.

    I think there's too much pressure put on needing to "meet someone" at a young age. Just let it happen, or not happen. I think it's best when it's not rushed.

    Anyway, that's just my opinion.

    Vastmindkarasti
  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `     ` `     ` Outa Range Fridays thru Sundays South Carolina, USA Veteran

    I've never fallen out of love. Just never figured I had to narrow it down.

    lobstermmoVastmindsova
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @mmo, falling in love is not always an action; most of the time it's a process.
    You can be smitten by the presence of a person, and they can be smitten by yours, but this is known as (even during mere dating) 'The Honeymoon Period'. In other words, the fact of being with someone who moves your emotions positively,gives you butterflies and makes you lose your appetite and think of no-one else.....

    After a while, this initial period calms down, and life begins to adopt a more.... 'normal' continuity. But you still thrill when you see them after a separation, and you still look forward to seeing them again a moment after you part.....

    Love is constructive; A person who loves you will put you first, and consider your feelings, and understand what makes you tick.
    Sure, there will be ups and downs, spats and arguments, but the secret of a good relationship, relies on the three main stalwarts of all and any relationship:

    Effective and constructive COMMUNICATION
    RESPECT - Both for one's partner AND one's self.
    TRUST.

    Any relationship which compromises your contentment, peace of mind and dignity - is not one to stay in. If any treatment of you, by your partner, makes you feel sad, controlled, helpless and confused, then this is not love. This is ownership.
    And nobody has a right to 'Own' anyone else.

    Love is the freedom to commit willingly, and to cultivate Joy through togetherness, while still enjoying the freedom and independence of being a human, in a big world.....

    lobstermmoVastmindBunks
  • mmommo Veteran

    Thanks everyone for your contribution. :)
    @how, yes, I believe I have grown out of my last failed relationship. The way i know is that I start to look at where I am at. And look after my health, my job and people who care about. I think those are the signs that I love myself and I am ready for sharing with someone else.

    @Karasti, thanks for sharing your experiences, I do put myself out there. I don't try to be someone else. But the guy needs to open up as well. I will see what other options out there.

    @Vastmind You are welcome. I guess you are extremely lucky to meet your one that way.

    @Shoshin I hope things don't start that way. Otherwise, I will have to hit him equally in his head also, to be equal. :pleased:

    @Bunks Oop. Lovely. Something to laugh about. :D

    @racerska, I don't want it to sound like a plan. But I feel that I am ready. I have loads of reasons to find someone loveable. But I need to go through certain stages as well, before I find myself smitten.

    @Earthninja, you are also one of those lucky ones then. The thing is I don't really go to pubs. :( That actually do lower my chances.

    @Cinorjer, I guess I would be like that, if I ever meet him. I don't really look for looks. But most of the males are. Probably, they look for flings, not a lasting one. Following the Buddhist path, I find myself becoming a lot more practical. :D I don't know if it is related or not. I have definitely changed. I don't really dream about someone who look like underwear model. But I do expect him to know how to take care of himself.

    @federica, as always, your posts are very thoughtful. I will take all your points as guideline. I agree that there have to be a process, where both of us need to earn the trust of the other person. Sharing all those goods and uglies.

    CinorjerStraight_Man
  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    edited December 2015

    @mmo " I don't really look for looks. But most of the males are. Probably, they look for flings, not a lasting one."

    Heh. Every man has something that turns him on, and something that turns him off. Yes. I suspect it's the same for women. But, it's not the same for everyone, and it's not always physical and almost never what society claims is attractive to the opposite sex.

    For instance, if you're afraid being overweight according to social standards will keep someone from being attracted to you, just do a quick search on the internet and see all the (ahem) adult sites catering to men who are turned on by women that are labeled "obese" by their doctors. Unfortunately, men are reluctant to open up about their actual preferences. My wife was not a beauty who ever turned a head but she was the sexiest woman I'd ever met behind bedroom doors - to me.

    What all men look for in a mate, at least the men that are worth actually getting to know, is someone they can trust to be themselves around and who has their back when trouble comes calling. If that's the type of woman you are, then if you get out there someone will find you. That's all I can offer in relationship advice.

    mmoWalkerBunks
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    Falling in love and the awkward moments had by all..... :)
    Benny Hill's "Garden of Love" ....tips for falling in and out of love :wink:

    Cinorjermmo
  • mmommo Veteran

    What is she wearing? O.o

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
    edited December 2015

    Polka dot dress with hoop wire petticoat The clip was from the late 1950s early 60s :)

    mmo
  • @how said:

    Is there really a difference between self and other in the presence of love?

    Can you love another, more or less, than you can love yourself?

    What is the same or different, in loving oneself compared to loving someone else?

    <3

    Good questions. Self love is not conceit, it is accepting someone we are intimate and knowing of. This really means we can maturely accept others as being flawed but lovable.

    In a strange interdependent way, we are always married to self, the world and others. Learning to be kind, friendly and accepting is an ongoing relationship we are always presented with ...

    yagrJeffreymmo
  • I made an effort through self study and mindfullness to reach a point in my life where I was truly happy with myself and my life with or without anyone else in it, then I happened to meet someone who was a perfect match for me and we became best friends as well as husband and wife. Coincidence? Maybe. However I would recommend to anyone that they search for happiness within themselves before seeking it from other sources or other people; much more likely to last longer and withstand the challenges of life.

    ShoshinCinorjermmo
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