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Praise and Acceptance
person
Don't believe everything you thinkThe liminal space Veteran
Seeking acceptance is one of my major players. I'm wondering if it would fall under seeking praise in the 8 worldly concerns? It certainly feels like a source of suffering but its not exactly the same as seeking praise. Though I did grow up in the 70s right as the self esteem movement was taking off so acceptance often took the form of praise. In general its a blind spot for me and any thoughts are appreciated.
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It might be about interacting in groups in a positive way or at not a negative (non-harm).
Some aspects of it might be more related to what always happens in groups rather than your own pride or attachment.
I do think you must be able to function when you don't feel accepted. That is to say you don't have to like it and you can choose situations to avoid that but when it comes down to it you can't control if you have to go into a place where for whatever reason you don't end up being accepted.
As far as praising sometimes it can just make people happy to make them feel accepted. And you can also use it to teach people ie 'that was a good one'.. some type of feedback if in a teaching situation.
It's a difficult one for me, too. Especially because we are told so frequently that it is part of our human biology, that we have no control over our need to be accepted by our social group and that even though the degree varies, every single human has this need to some degree or another.
The one thing I have noticed is that because I am more aware of it, I see it cropping up and I can step back mentally a bit and just observe it. That does help, it stops me from reacting from that point of view (perserving myself, trying to avoid rejection of my thoughts or feelings etc).
The other thing I know, but I am not there yet personally, is that when we let go of our fear of not being accepted, we are more open with the world and as a result we can operate from our true nature rather than wearing one of our many masks. And in those moments, that fear of acceptance is no longer there. Acceptance is really about fear, and fear is us not trusting ourselves. We blame the outside situation/being for our fear but in reality we are afraid because we don't trust ourselves to properly deal with the situation/being that is the focus of our fear.
So most often we fear rejection and that is why we seek acceptance but it's all about us not believing (lol) that we can handle the rejection. Once you start to recognize that, you can work with it. I'm sure you've had experiences in life where you might be afraid of something and then find when it actually happens you deal with it better than you ever imagined. Because when we are forced to do so, the fear has to go away, just like any time we have to face a fear. And then we trust ourselves in that moment because we have to. I was so afraid for so long that I would be the one to find my grandma disabled or dead. I worried about it constantly and it truly was because I didn't know how I would handle it. How would I tell someone? Who would I tell? What would I say? And then it happened. And the fear was gone because I had to deal with the situation at hand, and I did. The anticipation of our failure to properly deal with anything (including rejection/non-acceptance) is always worse.
Seeking acceptance is not that different from seeking praise. They are both dukkha. Isn't that what teenagers want? To be one of the guys.
That is how one still get caught by the worldly winds.
Having said that - trying to be different or to stand out is still dukkha. Trying to be the same or to be different is acknowledging the rules of the game and being caught up by conventions.
When one compares, the outcome is either to conform eg. Japan or be different eg. USA.
I gradually released any need I had, for acceptance, after becoming a Moderator.
Seriously.
The more I do this, the less I care about what people think about me.
I'm really not important enough to make a significant impact on anyone's life.
Everything is transitory, this too shall pass, so be it praise or blame for things I do and say, if people carry it (like the monk carrying the woman across the river) then it's their problem, not mine.
Of course, it should go without saying that I don't mean any of the above, callously.
I recognise the need to be mindful and skilful in my behaviour. Sometimes I hit, sometimes I miss.
My good. or bad, depending on the circumstance.
But I don't carry it as a pennant, or baggage.
And acceptance is not an item on my agenda.
This is from AN 8.6, it seems to be relevant:
"Gain/loss,
status/disgrace,
censure/praise,
pleasure/pain:
these conditions among human beings
are inconstant,
impermanent,
subject to change.
Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don't charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance."
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an08/an08.006.than.html
It's a bit of a cliche, but I think the more we are able to accept ourselves, the less need we have for acceptance from others.
Of course both of them take you away from just being yourself, and what that means. Some groups will accept you anyway, and that is beautiful, and with respect to other groups you will be an outsider, which also has a rugged charm. The important thing is to be who you are.
That was a truth which became apparent to me quite early in life. Me and my father spent some time in various communes when I was a teenager, so I was always accepted on the inside but viewed as a bit of an oddball outside, with my orange clothes. It was always just me being myself, being independent.
When it comes to acceptance ...do we want others to accept us for who we are? And do we always accept others for who they are? (which might include them not accepting who we are)
Acceptance is an interesting one ...especially when it comes to the "self" and what makes up the self....
Yes, of course we do.
No of course we don't.
I think it best to begin with self-acceptance, then once that is accomplished, move on to Acceptance AND the Self.
IMHO.
I hate to dish out praise, hahaha, but @person.... you've been starting good threads lately....and they've really solicited good thoughts and conversations from everyone.
Now I feel so accepted.
It won't last
On my disintegrating shrines (must be time to rebuild) I have lobsters. That's right I worship myself [everybody but Lobster faints]
Now that is taking things to Trump Goldilocks extremes.
My personal adulation is no more than a tool to placate a demonic ego. Ay caramba!
A healthy sense of dharma self (that the notion of self is a construction) is very different to the psychological 'healthy ego' model of much current psychology.
I know that we can be enslaved by our demons, thoughts, inner buddhas, qualities ... or set them free ... to dissolve ... Eventually we can dance with them ...
I approve of this message
I think it could fall under either fame or praise. In Korean Buddhism, and in Chinese and Japanese also I think, there is said to be 5 worldly or impure desires. Desires for riches, sex, reputation, food/drink, and sleep. Not sure what sutra that actually comes from but it sounds pretty accurate!