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Funny Stuff

13468913

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  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    Nerd hats: (Unfortunately, they don't come with instructions for all you knitters and crocheters out there)

    person
  • I luvs hats. I usually bring three with me.

    Where can I get a Trump Weavery hat? Or some of the weird Tibetan headgear? My teacher used to wear a wig and knitted tea cosy that complemented his strange behavour and demeanor ...

    ... and now back to the comedy ...

  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    ShoshinKannon
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    WalkerShoshinperson
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think 'Merica! Veteran

    A little girl asked her Mom, “Where do humans come from?”

    Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”

    A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question. Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which people evolved.”

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the people were created by God, and Dad said people evolved from monkeys?”

    Her Mom answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”

    silver
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

  • PJKPJK UK Explorer

    Definition of a Buddhist
    "An atheist without commitment"

    ShoshinKannon
  • @SpinyNorman said:

    It's my favourite!

    KeromemmoKannon
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    ShoshinupekkaVastmindmmo
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Oh my lord....! What is he 'kissing' exactly - !? (Don't anyone please answer that.....!)

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @federica said:
    Oh my lord....! What is he 'kissing' exactly - !? (Don't anyone please answer that.....!)

    He seems to be going places where most dentists or even tonsil surgeons would fear to tread...

    Tiddlywinds
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think 'Merica! Veteran

    At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

    Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

    "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

    The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

    "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

    Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/112/A-Pretty-Woman-Sneezes-At-A-Restaurant#cktbKzk5JBqwe6z4.99

    silverShoshinVastmindCinorjer
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Oh.

    Good.

    Grief....

    silverCinorjer
  • @person - too funny.

    silver
  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think 'Merica! Veteran
    edited December 2016

    A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

    Shoshin
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
    edited December 2016

    A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "Uno dos" * poof * He disappeared without a tres ....

    CinorjerKannon
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    silver
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Elderly gentleman goes to the doctor:

    • So, Mr Smith, what seems to be the trouble?
    • Well Doctor, my right knee is really stiff; painful when I walk, and it really aches all day, even when I'm sat down...
    • How old are you now, Mr Smith?
    • I'm 97, Doctor...
    • Well, you know, that's a ripe age; you're bound to get some aches and pains as you get on... it's all part of the ageing process....
    • You're kidding, right...? My left knee's 97 too, and that don't fuckin' hurt a bit...!
    Vastmindsilvergenkaku
  • It is sometimes said that the Universe is Allah laughing himself into existence. The idea of the cosmic joker that begins within a broadening smile allows us to hear the profound in the profane and the profane in the sanctimonious. Keep smiling.
    https://en.m.wikibooks.org/wiki/Sufism/Nasrudin

    "Nasrudin it said that you are the smartest
    person available. Will you settle our dispute?"

    "You are fortunate, said Nasrudin, "because we have a specialist here,
    someone even smarter than me to offer their counsel.
    Will you abide by their decision?"

    "Yes," said the disputants unanimously, honoured to
    be present when Nasrudin acknowledged that someone
    smarter than him existed (a rare event indeed).
    "Where is the wise one Nasrudin?" they asked.

    "He is downstairs in the yard eating thistles - if you just bring my
    donkey up here we can settle this dispute
    and don't take 'nay' for an answer, he is just being modest."

    Cinorjer
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    Ooopsss wrong pi

    silverperson
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
  • FosdickFosdick in its eye are mirrored far off mountains Alaska, USA Veteran

    Shoshin
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think 'Merica! Veteran

    ShoshinVastmind
  • FosdickFosdick in its eye are mirrored far off mountains Alaska, USA Veteran
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

    Tea is a far more dangerous beverage than beer. Please avoid drinking tea at all costs.
    Here's the proof.
    I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers and half a bottle of bourbon, till 3.00am with my buddies, while playing poker, as my wife sat, just drinking tea at home, alone, while dinner went cold....
    Well, when I rolled home, as happy as a sand-boy on the beach, man oh man, you should have seen her....she was loud, angry and quite violent! I on the other hand, felt calm, peaceful, slightly spaced out, even, and so avoided a confrontation by heading for bed, and all the while she shouted at me, and resumed her tirade the next morning!

    So thereby hangs the lesson: Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...m'kay...? ;)

    WalkerVastmindsilver
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    A couple of robbers (one with a slight speech defect) are breaking into a distillery

    "One turns to the other and says 'Is this whiskey?'
    He says 'Yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank' "

    Kannon
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    On my occasional travels round the WWW, I found this website, which gives dazzling and meaningful insight into your everyday life.

    Words of profound wisdom, such as:

    "We live, we live, we are reborn. Have YOU found your circuit?"
    "Transcendence is a constant."
    "Choice requires exploration. Have you found your vision quest?"
    "The multiverse is overflowing with ultrasonic energy."

    and

    "Curiosity is the truth of manna, and of us."

    Around and along with every pithy and meaningful quotation, is an article explaining its fundamental truth and rationale.

    The website, by the way, is called "New-Age Bullshit Generator". I am determined to live by every loaded word.

    lobster
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    A patron asked the librarian why Tales of Robin Hood had been withdrawn from the collection.
    The librarian replied, "Too much Saxon violence."

    ShoshinWalker
13468913
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