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okay so background is that I'm a live-in nanny for my brother-in-law. It's about half as a favor to him, so I'm not getting paid like I would be otherwise, just room and board and food and anything else I might need. I've also had depression for over half my life, and have tried therapy and meds and tons of things, but it's treatment-resistant, and my depression can give me social anxiety and just generally make me (internally) misanthropic. But I've been trying to like do nice things and throw myself into service of the kids, and it should make me feel a little better right? Because of interconnectedness and karma?
Anyway sometimes when I'm outside with one of the kids, this guy will be walking past, and the first time he walked by we said hi, and he asked if we had any food to spare, so I said yeah I got him some food. And now every time, he'll ask if we have anything he can take home, and I'll go and find something.
He's not pushy or really rude or anything, he's been nice and we've made small talk and I know his name, but I'm feeling some discomfort about it, and I can't figure out why. Yesterday we had a birthday for the kids in the yard, and he walked by and I said hi and offered him some cake. My brother-in-law offered him the soda we hadn't drunk, but then when he asked when we had any canned goods, my brother-in-law said no, and privately said he had gone too far.
I've meditated on it, but I can't pin down why exactly I'm uncomfortable with the situation of seeing him occasionally and giving him what I can. Is it just that he's poor and it's uncomfortable to confront that? Is it that he's so open about asking for food/drinks? Is it that I feel obligated? Is it just that he's a person I don't know well? Is it that I've been giving him food and sodas without telling my brother-in-law who really bought it? Is it that I'm scared people would just think I'm young and naive and stupid for being charitable?
Obviously I should meditate on it more, but I'm interested in what you guys think, cause I am struggling with this. The weird uncomfortable feeling kind of ruined the rest of my day yesterday. Do you guys ever experience lots of discomfort while doing good? How do you deal with it? Does it just take practice to get over?