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As the winter season reaches its lowest point with the passing holidays and solstice, my mood has flagged. Because of this I've been reminded of other times I've felt excessively down over the years, and I'm tempted to return to that place.
A few weeks ago I was with two close friends and talked about things I hadn't voiced in years, or even knew I actively felt--things I repressed because I was so against dealing with them. Perhaps its a good sign that I've finally realized these thoughts. Right now it's a bit overwhelming.
I've thought a lot about suicide and what it implies. Since I was unable to kill myself at the depths of my depression, I know I don't want to die. But at times I don't want to be alive either. Where does that leave me?
I've thought about this question a lot in relation to the self. I think that instead of wanting to be rid of the self as it is known in Buddhist concepts like the no-self, I am instead so wrapped up in my ego that I mistake my Self for my failings and doubts. I want to kill my Ego, not my Self, but I had no idea what the difference between the two was before. I only know now after a few years of fumbling around with the dharma.
For me, suicide is not so much actively wanting to die. I don't want to stop being alive. I just want to see how close I can skirt death and still survive. I still fantasize about dying regularly, and, as I told my friends, relationships, events, and decisions feel dreamy to me. With suicidal thoughts still floating in the back of my mind, I treat everything as if it isn't real or serious. I don't know if I'll be around ten or twenty years from now, so I never commit to anything. Even though I am still breathing, I act as if I am dead.
But I know now that I can't hate my Self because there truly is no self. So what am I so mad about? My Ego? My needs and cravings? It's going to take a lot of self discovery to find these answers, or even begin to ask the right questions, but since I am starting now I'm sure I'll do well later on.
Thanks for reading/indulging my thoughts