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Judgement - how do you work through it?

tkaztkaz Arizona, USA New

This has been a tough thing for me. Basically I don't care what others do and often I am drawn to the psychological side of things of WHY others do things (or why I do)...but I find I freeze and don't know how to respond because I want to let judgement go, but I don't know how.

For instance, I know 2 people who were high school sweethearts & it was a very tumultuous relationship. They've met again & have forged a romance 25 years later. Many are happy for them but I tend to remember the dysfunction and tears. I inwardly cringed when I heard the news. I judged them & it messed with my head.
But I judge often...
When my cancer ridden mother chooses to drink aspartame loaded soda.
When my overweight stepfather eats another dinner roll.
When a couple I meet has a good 20 year span between their ages.

The deep psychological reasons they make these choices, I understand them yet I do not know how to work through this. All of these examples - they have nothing to do with me, I do not care how others choose to live...yet that judgement...it's there. And I'm really struggling with it. I welcome any insight anyone may have, thank you.

Comments

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    It's about learning that these things have nothing to do with you, that they are really irrelevant. Judgement follows when you see something and you feel it has a perfect relevance to you, and then it doesn't coincide with your vision of how the world should be. There are a number of places you can cut that chain - you can say, none of it is relevant to me, or you can say, I truly accept the world as it is. If you can realise that deep inside, then you will find you've dropped the habit of judging.

    Each time you judge, it is an opportunity to come face to face with why you judge. Ask yourself, why is it important to me that this person do something different than they are doing? Why am I not accepting their choice? You may find some really deep seated stuff, prejudices and preconceptions. Working with these things is often not easy.

    lobstertkazTigger
  • So you judge, so what?

    You suffer because you wallow/chew over/fight against the judgements.

    Judge. Accept you are judging, then move on.

    You can't? Ah well you might have to retrain your mind ... In your judgement are you ready for that?

    Oh and hi, Welcome <3

    ShoshintkazTiggerdhammachick
  • JaySonJaySon Everywhere in the Cosmos Veteran
    edited January 12

    Step #1: Stop judging yourself for judging others. It does no good to beat yourself up. If you stop beating yourself up, then you will naturally stop beating others up.

    No more finding faults in yourself and others. Instead shine your light of awareness on your good qualities and their good qualities.

    If you believe in reincarnation, then everyone you've ever met has at once been your generous, caring mother. Look at them in that light.

    tkazTiggerBunksDhammika
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    @tkaz said:
    This has been a tough thing for me. Basically I don't care what others do and often I am drawn to the psychological side of things of WHY others do things (or why I do)...but I find I freeze and don't know how to respond because I want to let judgement go, but I don't know how.

    For instance, I know 2 people who were high school sweethearts & it was a very tumultuous relationship. They've met again & have forged a romance 25 years later. Many are happy for them but I tend to remember the dysfunction and tears. I inwardly cringed when I heard the news. I judged them & it messed with my head.
    But I judge often...
    When my cancer ridden mother chooses to drink aspartame loaded soda.
    When my overweight stepfather eats another dinner roll.
    When a couple I meet has a good 20 year span between their ages.

    The deep psychological reasons they make these choices, I understand them yet I do not know how to work through this. All of these examples - they have nothing to do with me, I do not care how others choose to live...yet that judgement...it's there. And I'm really struggling with it. I welcome any insight anyone may have, thank you.

    Does the one about the h.s. sweethearts or your parents' unwise choices bother you more? Either way, your 'judgment' could be viewed as a stern and loving concern - which isn't bad at all. I do the same type of things (although I've known worse 'judgers', heh). I guess I'd recommend meditation and/or mindfulness on these situations OR just simple contemplation - a lot - until you start experiencing some deeper insights. This way, you'll slip out of that clinging mode. I'm a beginner, but Buddhism stuff has been a real big help for me.

    tkaz
  • tkaztkaz Arizona, USA New

    I like the simplicity of "so what?" I judged, accept it, stop judging yourself for judging...that's EXACTLY what I was doing!
    I ALWAYS comes from a good intentioned place but, well, that doesn't really matter does it?
    This was very helpful on how I see it, thank you.

    I think the "freezing" I spoke of is also a judging place. As in,
    "Hey tkaz, Dick & Jane are together again, isn't that great!!??"
    Ummm....how to respond?

    Well, I just judged my own response didn't I? Who cares how I respond & if it was the right or wrong response according to the questioner? My answer needs to feel right to ME.
    But to be honest I think the first word that came to mind was, "Interesting."

    And to clarify, if everyone was my mother...watch out. You have 40 years of healing ahead of you. :expressionless:

  • JaySonJaySon Everywhere in the Cosmos Veteran

    Hey, and if you're judging anyway, you can be happy knowing that at least you're doing a good job at it! Hey, good job judging!

    Tigger
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Veteran

    A few things I have learned (so far)

    -it's true that when you look at others and see negative things, you are really judging an aspect of yourself

    -I sometimes have to stop myself and ask why it matters. Is what they are doing affecting my life? No? Then no matter to me.

    -Sometimes that answer is "No, but I just want to know why so I can understand" but usually I find that my need to understand comes from requiring them to justify their life to me so I can feel better about myself or some aspect I find discomforting.

    -Sometimes, judgement does come from a place of care. We just need to re-frame it so we can think differently and perhaps then we can address it. Obviously, nagging your mom isn't going to help. But if you frame it as you care for her and hate to see her suffer more, perhaps she'd be willing to listen. Or perhaps since it is her life, she has decided the enjoyment of the diet soda is worth whatever risks. My grandma did that and never regretted it. Sitting on her porch with a diet coke was a joyful pleasure to her. Risks and all.

    -Don't worry about it. Judgement is built into us so that we can discern risks. We just need to do better paying attention to when it has merit and when it doesn't. Too often, it is simply us quickly observing and comparing what someone else does to what we'd do, and immediately our ego is satisfied when we come to the conclusion that we do it right and they don't. But you can dismiss your ego if you wish and give no more mind to those thoughts when they arise. They might still come, but they won't upset you if you don't give them importance. Sometimes I will actually laugh at my ego and tell it to go sit in the corner and shut up. It works! :lol:

    lobstertkaz
  • @karasti said:
    A few things I have learned (so far)

    -it's true that when you look at others and see negative things, you are really judging an aspect of yourself

    Exactly so. However when has that ever stopped anyone? Good post @karasti (in my judgement). Hopefully useful insights.

    Part of Buddhist training is the reframing you mention and also accepting that many of us are (insert judgement) but we can choose to temporarily accept rather than fight our perception. Long term of course we expose our opinions as ... what is the word ... empty ...

    In other words perception dictates our reality. No wonder nobody wants to be [insert present conflictive emotions/thoughts etc] ...

    ... and now back to the solutions ...

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    @tkaz

    It's this strong sense of self importance that's making you judge others....

    Nutshell advice...Get over your "self"...(become acquainted with "Anatta" .....by letting go )

    JaySonBunksdhammachickTigger
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