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I finally unearthed an interview with Andrew WK (a compassionate and spiritual rocker party god) and Deepak Chopra I read years ago. This section reminded me of experiences I had but which scared me, and I repressed them.
Now, on the outside, I appear to do everything else. I go to social functions, I’m on the stage, I travel, I cross the world — but I’m witnessing that. It’s not me; it’s my body and my mind that travels around the world and does what it does. There’s a part of me that never leaves home. And home, I don’t mean this location. Home, I mean outside of space and time. Which is the ultimate party. <
Sometimes I feel dissociative. I have felt it when badly mentally ill. I have felt it again recently. Knowing how I felt before I know it's not the same. I don't think it's bad. Before I felt like I was no one and nothing and I had no way to reliably connect with reality.
Now sometimes I feel like reality is distanced from me. I am experiencing life, but I can dip into a pocket of my mind that is totally relaxed and separate from what is happening.
But it isn't scary or bad. Just calm.
But I am worried about the logistics. I don't want to turn this into something negative and lose its purpose. It is very easy for me to exploit something as an escape from life. Spirituality is definitely included in this. No matter if I view Buddhism as helpful for not.
I do not know what this experience is. I don't want to work myself up over it before totally experiencing it, or jinx myself and never feel it again. But I would like to understand it more in order to learn and ease my worries.