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I'm guilty. Specifically....with my Mother. I'm aware that the resentment is setting in, and it showed in my behavior this past week, when she was here visiting me for 10 days. I was miserable and stressed out...and couldn't wait for her to leave. Then...I felt guilty about being happy she was gone. I was nice to her the whole time...catered to things I knew wasn't good for her...all to avoid conflict or what I thought would be useless talking to someone who doesn't want to listen or change...and then chalked it all up to being 'compassionate'. I realized and was aware I was doing it....but couldn't stop it right then. I know I need to shift my thinking and intention and mindfulness on the front end. With that....I'm working/practicing on getting it together and stopping the suffering and frustration that I'm causing myself. Anyway...in case anyone else is suffering with this...these are some of the materials I'm digesting and chewing on...please feel free to share additional readings or practices you may use that help you (and might subsequently) help me.
I started with this:
How not to practice “idiot compassion"
....Ask yourself, “Am I avoiding conflict and calling it compassion? Am I afraid to be honest because I might end up being disliked? Am I letting people off the hook too easily? Am I setting myself up for resentment?” And if any of these is the case, muster your courage, and speak up, even if you make mistakes. The spiritual path is, as I like to say, the fine art of making mistakes.
Compassion is wishing that beings be free from suffering. Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s “being nice,” or “being good.”
It’s not compassion at all. It ends up causing us pain, and it ends up causing others pain.
The more someone self-consciously thinks of themselves as compassionate, the more likely it is that they’re a compassionate idiot.
Idiot compassion lacks both courage and intelligence.
True compassion does not shy away from causing pain when necessary. Causing pain is not the same as causing harm, by the way. The Buddha talked about this in relation to speech, in an interesting dialogue with a prince named Abhaya.
Another good nugget:
-- Buddhists Don’t Have to Be Nice: Avoiding Idiot Compassion ,