Okay im insane. I try to meditate and what I want is Samahdi,
i want un-distracted awareness.
Last night i seriously spent 6 or 7 hours, in the dark, just sitting.
the really big problem was that,
I couldn't escape from my thoughts..
I watch stories, thats my favorite thing to do, SO i watch and listen to thousands of stories, all day long. shows, movies, etc etc...
SO now at night time, you know your mind assimilates what it learned or saw during the day.
My mind is full of these things,
full of fantasies and , possible conclusions to story lines, stuff like that.
I can seriously go into their world, of whatever fantasy it is, I can go there, and it's crystal clear,
the worst part ok, is this, I imagine too far ahead, right now im unemployed, im looking for a job.
So i imagine a place i might want to work,(during meditation) and then i go soooooo far into it, predicting things,
like okay i walk into the place this guy says that, i try to apply there, and then all of a sudden he says something that bothers my ego, so then im fighting to the death,
and how can i get away
maybe i should apply with a fake alias, maybe when i escape to the bahamas,
I will meet a girl in the bahamas, then what do i tell this girl about my past, and then i marry her, ETC ETC..
LOL when i catch myself in mediation, which i always eventually do- im on a friggin tangent light years away from where i began.
my problem i think is, I cant meditate right when i have unresolved matters in my mind (like i need a job, my father is about to die, and i haven't talked to him in years, my mom is getting old I have huge debt to her, I have old friends I owe money to, I have the bank i owe money too secretly...) etc etc, thats fkin BS !!!!, I want to meditate,
but with all these things i feel like just freaking out..
help me out here