Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
I'm embarassed
Deshy
Veteran
I'll keep this short. Few days ago I fell in the stairway and sprained my ankle. There was a lot of pain initially but within a few hours the pain was mostly gone but the swelling was severe. I went to a doctor and got treatment and everything was fine until the third day.
The doctor advised me to give a lot of rest to my ankle so I spent most of my time on bed reading or sitting at the computer. Eventually I got a bit depressed. I saw my foot, the swelling hadn’t gone down much, I still couldn’t walk without feeling a mild pain in my ankle and I had to walk to the bathroom using a walking stick. I felt depressed no matter how much I tried to rationalize on impermanence, suffering and all these things I have learnt in Buddhism. I didn’t meditate at all. I was too depressed I couldn’t rest my mind.
Now I am fine. A lot better and I can actually walk. I took a bath and am back to noraml so when I reflect how I reacted I feel totally ashamed. How could I react so badly to a simple little ankle sprain. Imagine I had a bone fracture that I had to go about in a wheel chair. I feel ashamed. I have learnt so much on Buddhism and done my share of meditation but the practice is all lost when something little happen; I become a big cry baby.
Sorry for the rant :banghead:
The doctor advised me to give a lot of rest to my ankle so I spent most of my time on bed reading or sitting at the computer. Eventually I got a bit depressed. I saw my foot, the swelling hadn’t gone down much, I still couldn’t walk without feeling a mild pain in my ankle and I had to walk to the bathroom using a walking stick. I felt depressed no matter how much I tried to rationalize on impermanence, suffering and all these things I have learnt in Buddhism. I didn’t meditate at all. I was too depressed I couldn’t rest my mind.
Now I am fine. A lot better and I can actually walk. I took a bath and am back to noraml so when I reflect how I reacted I feel totally ashamed. How could I react so badly to a simple little ankle sprain. Imagine I had a bone fracture that I had to go about in a wheel chair. I feel ashamed. I have learnt so much on Buddhism and done my share of meditation but the practice is all lost when something little happen; I become a big cry baby.
Sorry for the rant :banghead:
0
Comments
Kind regards,
Dazzle
I would say to be careful to not get too caught up in worrying about how you responded. Just acknowledge it happened and move on. Sometimes its ok to miss meditation too if you're ill etc. You just start up again when you can.
hope your ankle is completely better
Palzang
Bless you all
Deshy,
Sprained ankles are a b*tch.
If I remember correctly, you've only been practicing meditation for a couple of months now. You are expecting way too much from yourself. Being able to experience physical pain in even brief moments of equanimity is incredibly difficult... I mean, trying to experience an itch on your foot in equanimity rather than becoming absorbed in and obsessed with the sensation is difficult.
You're considering meditation a final goal rather than the process of retraining itself. This experience, so long as you learned something from it, was part of that process. And so long as you learned something, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You said:
This is your opportunity to practice meditation now. The Buddha taught to constantly reflect on our physical, verbal, and mental actions and learn from them; reflect on the emotions and feelings you had and learn from them. Leave it at that, instead of becoming judgemental, ashamed, and frustrated with yourself.
failure is a learning opportunity.
easy for me to say, i've never sprained my ankle
The initial shock knocked the wind out of me, and I couldn't breathe for about 30 seconds, which was in itself, worrying.
Although I managed to regain my breath, and carry on down the stairs, I knew I might have done a bit of damage, and vowed to see my chiropractor the next day.
The next day, I was paralysed in bed. I couldn't move.
I had the 'phone by my bed, and called my chiro, who (living in the same village) came round within minutes. This was at 07.30, and my daughter, preparing to go to school, let him in. He gave me some therapy and manipulation, and got me on my feet, but said that he thought "there was something 'bigger' there and I'd need attention from a specialist."
Cut a long story short, I was operated on to replace the shattered disk (The surgeon literally just shoved it all back into between the vertebrae, and put two staples to stop it bursting out again) and two days later, I was back home, recovering.
All good?
yes, I guess so...
However:
The disc actually compressed my spinal cord against the back of the vertebrae, squashed it, and in doing so, caused damage to part of the sciatic nerve.
The result is, that now, nearly 8 years later, my right leg takes and makes most of the effort, and the left leg, (or more precisely, the calf, which is the nerve branch that is damaged) has withered, and is much smaller and thinner than the calf on my right leg.
I can walk perfectly. I only limp if I'm hurrying, or if I am fatigued.
I have suffered damage to my left ankle on 3 occasions, because I can't feel where I put my foot, so although I have a slim calf, my ankle looks like a permanent goose egg on it's side.
Ok, I'm sorry, why am I telling you all this?
Because I have managed to come to terms with my personal breakdown of my body, everything is impermanent, and I can accept pain, and see my way through it. At least I can walk, and function to 90% of the way I could before.
"Oh well done me, good for me, bully for me, wow, well done...."
Actually, no. Not really.
Do you know the one thing that still causes me distress?
The one thing that gets to me, and I just can't seem to shake off?
the one thing guaranteed to make me mope and miserable?
Here it comes - trivia with a crown on....
I can no longer wear my high-heeled shoes.
I miss looking elegant.
I used to have such trim legs and ankles, and now, all I can do is wear trousers and flat shoes, or skirts and flat shoes....
My elegant frocks and gowns have all gone, because they simply cannot be worn with flat shoes. They just look wrong.
And every time I see any woman on TV, looking swell and elegant in a dress and heels, my heart wrenches with envy, and resentment.
No matter the programme, no matter the subject matter - heels are the big deal for me.
So, take it from me:
I do understand.
But my angst is so stupid, so ridiculous, so selfish and so materialistic - I'm just so amazed in myself that I can't let it go.
It's ludicrous! It's just so idiotic and fatuous, that words fail me (as you can tell from the diatribe above!
So, whenever you feel down, about your situation, and you feel guilty about the feelings you had - think of me.
And my idiotic, trivial, moronic, senseless and frankly totally un-buddhist sentiment.
And laugh at me.
because now that - is ridiculous.
Much metta to you.
Be well, and let it go.
From one who knows that letting go is the most sensible thing you can do. :rolleyes:
Well Federica, first of all thanks a lot for your long post. So now that you told me your real worry I will let you into my real worry as well lol .. Here it goes
It wasn't all about falling and not being able to walk. Not really. It was that, I imagined myself 30 years older when my parents are not around and then falling and not being able to walk. How on earth am I going to get some help to at least put some bandage in my foot. Well I was thinking too much on this negative though and that's the real cause of my depression.
I know it sounds serious but if you look at it closely it is as trivial as any other more materialistic thing. I don't know why I worry about 30 years ahead when I really don't know if I will die tomorrow anyway or why I imagine myself as a loner.
And the most idiotic part is, even if I was married with kids there is a possibility that I will still worry thinking that they won't be around etc.
And that really made me smile, truly. Nothing really impresses me more than when someone tells me "just let it go" cause that really knocks on some kind of nerve in my brain and it really works for me. Letting go is such a powerful thing to do. The more I let go, the happier I feel.
I really appreciate your long post. And to think that my leg is almost back to normal is nothing compared to what you went through... Keep well and thanks again.
With blessings
Have you ever taken a trip to a place you have never been before? You sit in the bus from the airport to your destination and watch an all-new world go by.
And being by yourself when your body is not working properly can be much like that. You deal with it and watch this all-new situation go by (speaking from experience).
These small health crises are an excellent opportunity to learn how to deal with old age, when everything starts to go wrong and we often ARE alone. And to face death, the most private, lone journey we will take.
I think its important not to shy away from these lessons ... one of my coworkers has a mother in her early 70s who has a panic attack and thinks she is dying every time she has a bad sensation in her body (last time it was because she was shivering ... she had turned the thermostat down, forgotten she had done so). My heart goes out to this poor woman who is so full of terror, but at the same time she is an excellent example of how we dont want to face old age.