Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Ever realize you arn't happy with the person you have become?
specialkayme
Veteran
Ever wake up one day and realize that you haven't exactly become the person that you wished you were?
I had a series of awakening experiences this week. While I try to do the best I can in each situation (following the 8FP, not lying, ect.), I don't always do so, I'm only human. All things considered though, I thought I usually do the right thing.
First experience, one of my co-workers said I "was a big d*ck." I was very shocked to hear this, as I was trying to do the right thing. Another co-worker agreed, and likened me to another fellow co-worker who is very self centered, arrogant, and 'personally driven.'
While I was thinking this over, wondering how I came across in such a manor, I was talking to my wife about her co-workers (who we are good friends with). She explained to me that she didn't think her boss likes me (although she admitted that he doesn't like very many people). She also said her co-worker didn't like me, and her girlfriend didn't either.
My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I had no idea that I wasn't the person that I thought I was, or the person that I was trying to be.
The good news: It's never too late to turn it all around. If I'm not who I want to be, I can still change into who I do want to be.
The bad news: I don't exactly know what to change (I don't know what I'm doing to be disliked, or perceived as a 'd*ck') and even if I knew what to change, I don't know how to do it (since I thought I was doing the right thing).
The whole experience is both liberating, confusing, and depressing. All in one.
Just wondering if anyone else has had any similar situations occur in their lives. Guidance would be appreciated, if available.
I had a series of awakening experiences this week. While I try to do the best I can in each situation (following the 8FP, not lying, ect.), I don't always do so, I'm only human. All things considered though, I thought I usually do the right thing.
First experience, one of my co-workers said I "was a big d*ck." I was very shocked to hear this, as I was trying to do the right thing. Another co-worker agreed, and likened me to another fellow co-worker who is very self centered, arrogant, and 'personally driven.'
While I was thinking this over, wondering how I came across in such a manor, I was talking to my wife about her co-workers (who we are good friends with). She explained to me that she didn't think her boss likes me (although she admitted that he doesn't like very many people). She also said her co-worker didn't like me, and her girlfriend didn't either.
My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I had no idea that I wasn't the person that I thought I was, or the person that I was trying to be.
The good news: It's never too late to turn it all around. If I'm not who I want to be, I can still change into who I do want to be.
The bad news: I don't exactly know what to change (I don't know what I'm doing to be disliked, or perceived as a 'd*ck') and even if I knew what to change, I don't know how to do it (since I thought I was doing the right thing).
The whole experience is both liberating, confusing, and depressing. All in one.
Just wondering if anyone else has had any similar situations occur in their lives. Guidance would be appreciated, if available.
0
Comments
Hope that helps. With metta,
Robin
As for not knowing what to change, all I can say is, try to be conscious of the tenants of the 8FP all the time, and act accordingly. That's easy to say and not so easy to do all the time, but then we're all just human, and we're all works in progress. Just being conscious is probably as much the right thing to do as anything. Being conscious of one's thoughts gives you the ability to act or not act on them.
This probably sounds really muddled, but being aware has made a huge difference in my life. Oh, and don't worry about what people think of you online. Nobody seeing words on a computer screen can possibly know who you are. Things written in letters on a screen can convey unintended meanings to someone who wants to see them there. And there will always be someone ready to read almost anything into almost anything you write. I've learned to pretty much ignore flame baiters.
I wish you well on your journey
Peace
Mtns
You are not a d*#k.
You do d*#kish things. (or a least, things that appear to be d*#kish)
(it is difficult to stop being stupid, it's easy to stop doing stupid things)
perhaps as rbastien mentioned, a humbling effort would be to simply ask what did they dislike about your actions.
The humility that is required to do this, would probably be acknowledge by them and it would be a good step to change these relationships.
Just make sure not to defend your actions at all, just listen to what they have to say.
It's very interesting to watch your own reactions to situations like this. I remember when I was told that my wife's boss didn't like me, at first I was shocked (How could he not like me?). Then I was pissed (Well, if he doesn't like me then I don't like him!), followed by being hurt (What did I do to him to make him not like me?). After all those feelings, I realized how dumb the whole process was, and how it was just me reacting to my ego. It doesn't matter that someone doesn't like me, or why. All that matters is what I did to make someone not like me, and make sure that it wasn't a quality that I want to get rid of.
I would agree. After thinking it over, I realize that Right Speech is the one tenant that I have the most difficulty with. It becomes easy for me to complain about a situation, or talk about someone when they arn't there (either good or bad). I guess I know where I need to start then
I haven't for a while. Thanks for the help though!
Much easier to say than do. This would be area #2 of which I need improvement. It's good to know though.
Maybe just take one small, sharp breath to bring your mind back to your breath.
It might be more difficult if you label it as difficult to begin with.
When I realized that I was acting like a complete jerk to most of my friends to be accepted by one other friend, it hurt, yeah. And I spent a long time by myself with no one close to me to talk to. You just have to change yourself gradually, and always make sure you're doing it for the better.
I'm beginning to understand why some of my Buddhist friends don't talk about Buddhism when I expressed interest to begin with.
I find that in trying to help others, I say too much (except for forums like this when people ask for one's opinions), all with good intentions and all but the end result is that I come off as arrogant, and stuck up.
Ironically and sadly while I thought I had learned my lesson I recently discovered that while I have learned to be a bit more quiet (with lots more to go) I was sharing some of my views & thoughts with my wife thinking that she knew me and my intentions... only to find that she misunderstands my points even more than other people.
Here I'm thinking that because we are so close I can share my most personal views etc and she would see what I mean but often she takes my statements at face value and ends up getting hurt & Angry.
So little by little, I'm learning to be quiet, to listen to the other person, and simply nod in accord... they walk away feeling heard and accepted. Should someone specifically ask me for my opinion.... then and only then do I give it.
On a related note, I find that the more "awake" I try to be the sadder I get to see all the misery and frustration that we all live in.
At the moment I'm trying to come to terms with how one can be at peace, happy etc... by being more aware, yet being more aware makes you realize just how unhappy most people are.
My heart aches specially for my two sons who make life so hard for themselves... and I feel powerless to do anything except to stand by their side and watch them struggle with their own demons. If I give advise it only makes things worse.
Life is a Paradox, and while I accept that, being a bit aware\awake only makes things even harder for me, yet I'm more at peace and happy in my own way. It just feels lonely seeing what I see yet being helpless to do anything about it.
Its amazing how much this sounds like the stages of grief... so it might not matter in the ultimate sense, but it obviously did matter!
As for the other stuff, I've found that people enjoy being listened to, understood and related to. Gossip, advice and disparity are less attractive in equal relationships. Do you try to guru yourself to people?
You seem like a great person to me! Noticing all this stuff means a lot, at least in my circle
With warmth,
Matt
There's so many things pulling at us from so many directions that it takes many years for the lion within to be tamed to be a more domesticable animal. Indeed, meditating can make one even more boldly implacable towards others at times.
But we must not let ourselves be overly concerned with how others perceive us, for we don't have a lot of control over where they're coming from. Being mindful of inculcating kind and well-wishing attitudes to others within ourselves will certainly point us in the right direction and examining our lives conscientiously will help keep us vigilant.
Two things in life one can take pride in is keeping "cool, calm, and collected" when everything is topsy-turvy and in a riot. The second is doing so in a loving way, forbearing the evils of the day in full appreciation of the good things that come our way.
How can anyone fault this sort of thing in a person?
I'm not sure if that helps any, but I think the point I'm trying to get across is "know yourself", and at least recognize if other people are being ignorant.
If it were just one person, lets say like your wife's boss, it would be easy to overlook it, and say thats just one person's opinion...or hey maybe my wife's boss likes her or something. But when it's so many people there has got to be at least a nugget of truth in there. Maybe there IS a side of you that is unpleasurable and that you need to work on..one that is so a part of you, that you don't notice it. If there is, and you find it, this can all actually be a good thing...it brought out a big issue, that you would have missed otherwise, and you can continue on your path of improvement.
The one thing I found is that this is all a process. You don't all of a sudden become Buddha, because you formally call yourself a Buddhist. No, you chip away at yourself slowly, and if anything, the road becomes harder, by formally declaring yourself a follower of the 8FP. Stick with it, and take the kernel of truth from all the opinions of you, but don't take it personally.
I have followed a path that I have walked alone. It was me and my path. I know the part about being a "BD". I was a person on a path; I was not a person at its end. I've struggled a lot - for years. More interpersonal experience is a good teacher for how to do it, such as ongoing or working relationships with others.
Nothing is worthwhile where nothing is learned. One can feed for years, and gain nothing, or feed on one blade of grass, and gain it all.
Every unenlightened being acts like a jerk very easily. Then there is having learned how to do one's own thing, and to disappear, and to learn how to respect ones self and everything. As I have grown smaller as separate over the years, I have become more self-respectful, and I have come to have less capacity for others to react disrespectfully to me, or in a manner that I don't appreciate or enjoy. In the meantime, I think that respect is important, and that it has to be earned.
That path - that lonely path is the true path to self-respect, at the very least along the way. We would like to love and respect ourselves at all times, but without enlightenment, it may add assistance to have a mirror shone back upon us, so that we can see and disappear some more.
No one can control the actions of others.
There is a path, and that path is to finish it. Each thing learned is a notch removed from a stick. Each hit or kick can be a notch removed from a stick. On the path is directed toward its end.
Interaction with others is always more complicated than developing oneself alone. The variables go through the roof. Learning to love and respect others may also produce valuable results. One's own self-development is very concentrated. Meditation is very concentrated. Relationships can shine a light upon one where self-awareness does not. Relationships in my experience have been very self-developing.
Thank you,
MarkMe
My enlightenment is not directly the enlightenment of others. I guess that's something I was eluding to, and did not include. On my path is towards my improvement, and not the improvement of others. And when that happens, it shows. I think this is the kind of place where when working on self, one isn't working on relationships with others. There's that "on the path" part I kept going to. I think relationships can be very time-consuming, but also enlightening.