My happiness is dependent on other peoples happiness

intothedreaming

I have this issue where my moods are directly influenced by the moods of others. I would like to "be an island", as they say, and not let other peoples moods affect mine so much, but I always take on their moods and thoughts, and this can subsequently affect my entire day. For some reason I take responsibility for how they're feeling, like it is my fault or something is wrong with me, even when I know rationally that isn't the case. When this happens I try my best to follow my breath and stay present, but those feelings continue looming.

Are there any teachings that touch on this issue?

Thanks.

pain

It's mainly due to the egocentric nature of our mind. We take things personally because we believe that what people do and feel is because of us. In reality, nothing others do is because of you.

Everyone lives in their own dream with their own stories.

The person that your mom sees is not the same person that your best friend sees when they interact with you. People only can see the image about "you" they have created through their belief system.

There is a way to work on this but that's beyond the scope of what I can cover in a post. Let me know if you'd like to inquire more about it.

NamelessRiver

Individuality is an illusion. We are just a point of convergence for many things and it is impossible to know exactly where others end and we begin, which oddly gives us great power, because whether we perceive it or not our actions have a 'butterfly effect'.

Sometimes I think our role as individuals is to change our perspective (i.e. focus on what we find significant) and let the external reality follow. Maybe this is what wisdom means, kind of, a change of perspective for the best that cascades into actions and scenarios.

If you think about it, it is just amazing.

Are there any teachings that touch on this issue?

Try going to http://www.thubtenchodron.org/GradualPathToEnlightenment/MeditationOutline.pdf (pdf file) and doing the following meditations:

Mind is the Source of Happiness and Pain;
Taking the Ache out of Attachment;
Transforming Attachment.

GuyC

NamelessRiver wrote: »

If you think about it, it is just amazing.

You just blew my mind!

zombiegirl

why not try to help them with their problems? sometimes an outside perspective can be very helpful with a situation. and other times, a compassionate listener may be all that the person really needs.

if anger is the mood you are talking about, try to cheer them up. i encounter a lot of people every day at work. sometimes, you can almost just FEEL the anger steaming off of someone as they make your way toward you, lol. i really enjoy trying to cheer them up in whatever way i can. and usually, just a pleasant/helpful/funny demeanor is all people really need to change the way they are feeling. the only thing you are really in charge of is yourself, so why not try and set yourself up for the best possible outcome?

Glow

intothedreaming wrote: »

I have this issue where my moods are directly influenced by the moods of others. I would like to "be an island", as they say, and not let other peoples moods affect mine so much, but I always take on their moods and thoughts, and this can subsequently affect my entire day. For some reason I take responsibility for how they're feeling, like it is my fault or something is wrong with me, even when I know rationally that isn't the case. When this happens I try my best to follow my breath and stay present, but those feelings continue looming.

Are there any teachings that touch on this issue?

Thanks.

Tara Brach talks a lot about this in her book Radical Acceptance. Thinking back: did you have any experiences in childhood or adolescence that caused you to be afraid of other people's emotions? Perhaps your parents became unavailable or distant or even cruel to you when they themselves were overwhelmed with emotion. The mind of a child can easily interpret this as: "There's something wrong with me." Or perhaps you internalized the idea that is wasn't okay to be happy -- that your own happiness diminishes that of others. (This is a misperception. As Sharon Salzberg says, "happiness is not a commodity for which we have to compete." It's available to us all.)

After the initial uncovering of the source of your anxieties, IME this sort of thing responds quite well to compassionate varieties of meditation: those in which you hold yourself with the gaze of a good friend or some sort of compassionate figure. My first teacher told me to imagine myself "sitting in the lap of the Buddha" while I meditated. You could also use God or other deity, the Virgin Mary or an imaginary or real person who embodies the qualities of acceptance, ease and goodwill for you in your life. Lovingkindness (metta) meditation also is quite helpful. I recommend Sharon Salzberg's book Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness if you'd like to learn more about it.

pearl

intothedreaming wrote: »

I have this issue where my moods are directly influenced by the moods of others. I would like to "be an island", as they say, and not let other peoples moods affect mine so much, but I always take on their moods and thoughts, and this can subsequently affect my entire day.

I know what you mean. If I bump into a good friend, it can lift my spirits the whole day; if I bump into a rude person, I can think about his barbed remark long after it was uttered.

It really is an unsatisfactory state of affairs, since we can't fully control who we have to interact with. It leaves our emotional well-being up to chance. Additionally, there are unsavory individuals who would use such a weakness to their own advantage. By having our emotions dependent on others' behavior, we open the door for others to control and manipulate us.

I suspect the key to lessing emotional dependence lies in developing detachment to our own and others' emotions. We can develop detachment by analyzing the cause of negative emotional states. When I sit in meditation, I can observe how much of my thoughts are really nonsense! When I'm irritable, I can observe how often it happens when I'm thirsty, sleep-deprived, or ate poorly the night before.

Similarly, a co-worker's grouchy mood may have nothing to do with you; it may be the result of a fight with his wife and a case of acid indigestion. Should your day be wreaked because of somebody else's heartburn? If we can see the silliness in our own and others' emotions, then we won't be so affected.

Cheers,
p

pegembara

intothedreaming wrote: »

I have this issue where my moods are directly influenced by the moods of others. I would like to "be an island", as they say, and not let other peoples moods affect mine so much, but I always take on their moods and thoughts, and this can subsequently affect my entire day. For some reason I take responsibility for how they're feeling, like it is my fault or something is wrong with me, even when I know rationally that isn't the case. When this happens I try my best to follow my breath and stay present, but those feelings continue looming.

Are there any teachings that touch on this issue?

Thanks.

Watch your feelings, thoughts and moods. Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts and feelings. Let the thoughts and feelings be themselves: they come and go, treat them as guests in your home.

intothedreaming

Thank you everyone

hello

intothedreaming wrote: »

.....but I always take on their moods and thoughts.....

You have an heightened capacity for empathy and compassion. It is a gift - enjoy it and share it with others and your issues with it will eventually go away.

peace