idealizing in metta meditation

jlseagull90

Hi guys sorry been blitzing the forum recently but been finding people's replies helpful so hope this is ok.

I've found that when I am imagining the "difficult" person in my loving-kindness meditation, one way of overcoming resistance is that I imagine them no longer being a threat to me.

Or better put, I imagine "wishing them happiness" to mean wishing them in a state where they are no acting in a way that is in a threat to me. In a sense I think this is in line with Buddhist philosophy since if they had the cause of happiness, this would mean they would care about others and not just themselves (e.g they would not act unfairly or selfishly towards me).

Is this kind of "idealizing" ok? I imagine myself with the difficult person, having a happy old time and being nice to each other. PArt of me imagining them as happy is imagining them being nice to me.

Do you guys get what I mean? Is that missing the point in any way? Or more importantly, am I cultivating something other than metta in this instance? Something selfish or misdirected? am I supposed to wish them happiness at the same time as knowing they wish me harm? I find it difficult to wish them happiness when I visualise them taking actions which threaten me.

fivebells

I get what you mean, but I think you're going astray in a potentially dangerous way, here. This "idealization" sounds like a subtle form of ignorance of the fact that you do actually regard the person as a threat. If I faced this obstacle I would cultivate metta for the personal sense of threat itself.

mugzy

jlseagull90 wrote: »

I find it difficult to wish them happiness when I visualise them taking actions which threaten me.

I feel that this is an essential part of the practice. The point is that even though they treat you unkindly, or are cruel to you, you still wish them happiness.

There is an excellent teaching about this in The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva; chapter 6, entitled "Patience."

zombiegirl

jlseagull90 wrote: »

am I supposed to wish them happiness at the same time as knowing they wish me harm? I find it difficult to wish them happiness when I visualise them taking actions which threaten me.

yes, i think this is why metta meditation can be particularly difficult.

but think about it...which way is going to cause you to develop more compassion in the future? imagining that everyone is actually a nice person being nice to you... or cultivating love for people who are mean to you?

Glow

Brahamavihara practice is not meant to be masochistic. You're meant to have a grounding in goodwill for yourself before moving on to more difficult people. IME, it's essential to realize that difficult people act the way they do out of ignorance; they are trapped in the rat-race of samsara and have deluded themselves into believing that harming you and/or others will bring them happiness. This is difficult to believe if you yourself haven't first tasted the benefits of dharma practice in your own life, but assuming you have, it should be pretty easy to see how these difficult people might benefit from it and how, if they did, they would no longer act in ways destructive to their relationships with others or themselves.

BTW, here are the traditional aspirations for each of the Brahmaviharas:

Metta: "May all being be happy."
Karuna (compassion): "May all beings be free from suffering."
Mudita (sympathetic joy): "May all beings always be happy. May their happiness increase and never wane."
Upekkha (equanimity): "May all beings live together in peace: without too much attachment or too much aversion."

These are the traditional aspirations in Theravada practice. The order and phrasing may vary a little by school. The logic behind it is that, equanimity is the last abode to be developed because it is the most difficult. (On the other hand, I believe Tibetan Buddhists actually begin with equanimity because it essentially underlies the other three.)

nuageux

I agree with what others have said so will try not to repeat.

Glow wrote: »

Brahamavihara practice is not meant to be masochistic. You're meant to have a grounding in goodwill for yourself before moving on to more difficult people.

Yes, I agree. One of the teachers who taught me metta bhavana meditation suggested that it can be more beneficial if when you first start to practice this type of meditation, you don't even attempt to go any further than cultivating metta towards yourself. Temporarily forget the good friend and difficult person etc. When you feel more comfortable with cultivating metta towards yourself, then introduce the other stages / people. I started off trying to do the whole thing at once (I had a different teacher to start off with), but never felt it was doing anything for me because I couldn't get my head around cultivating metta towards myself. Once I'd overcome this hurdle, the rest came more naturally.

Now when I'm generating metta towards the difficult person, I try to see the person beyond whatever incredibly annoying deed they've done to me. I do this outside of meditation too. For example if some idiot pulls out in front of me at a junction, I think something like: "What an idiot! ... But maybe they're an excellent father, maybe they've just had a really bad day" etc. Even if it's someone you see on a regular basis, like someone you work with, you just never know what the rest of their life is / has been like. Maybe there's reason for their ways. This is the line of thought I try to follow during metta meditation. Don't know if it helps or not...