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Question about Guru-disciple love in Tibetan Buddhism?
I'm new to this forum and I have a question that I hope someone can answer.. :)
I attend a Tibetan Buddhist center where I live… and there is a lama/yogi there that is genuine, compassionate and loving. I do my ethnographic fieldwork (I am an Anthropologist) on Tibetan Buddhism so I spend more time around him than you normally would, learning about his culture and religion, and I feel that I have started to care for him a lot. I still don't know if this is a good or a bad thing though.
I do see him as my root guru as well but I have realized that I am also romantically attracted to him. I am not, in any way, looking for a relationship though. I know he has probably taken vows and I accept that. I am just there for this fieldwork and to receive teachings from him. He has been very helpful and I feel that we have a lot of mutual respect for each other.
Since he is so kind to everybody, I have noticed that a lot of the other female practitioners at the center are also attracted to him. And sometimes I wonder if he is aware of it. During this fieldwork, I have heard other women talking about how good-looking and young he is for a lama.
He was away for a few months, he spent the summer in his homeland, and when he returned to my country he asked my mother about me on the first day because I was absent. When I did show up the next time, his face lit up with joy and he embraced me and told me that it was good to see me. We enjoy each other's company and I know some people have probably noticed this. One person told me that it was great to see us get along so well.
But it feels a lot deeper than that. I seem to have this strange telepathical connection to him and I'm not sure why. He appears in my dreams sometimes and we communicate. They're often like dreams of clarity and dreams that teach me something or have a buddhist meaning. One time I even had a dream about a past life in Tibet and he was there too. When I told him about it, he said that I was a young Tibetan woman in my previous life.
At first, I was angry with myself because I know I should not feel this way. We are not supposed to become attached, right? I wish to be closer to him sometimes and when I do I feel embarassed about it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer some advice? Could it be that this is just the spiritual love between a guru and his disciple, and that I am confusing it with romantic feelings?
Every time I come home from the center, I am always so happy and I feel an inner peace that I have never felt in my life before.