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How to stop caring what people think of me...

painpain
edited October 2010 in Buddhism Basics
I suffer from social anxiety because I care too much about what people think of me. How do I stop caring? I want to let go and be free...

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance

Comments

  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran
    edited October 2010
    I used to suffer from social anxiety as well.

    Now that I've been reading about Buddhism, it seems that such anxieties about imagining what people are thinking about you/may say about you behind your back are nothing more than projections of one's own ego-self.

    It's basically being attached to a conception of self. If there is no self, then what is there to be the target of gossip?
  • painpain
    edited October 2010
    Invincible_summer wrote: »
    I used to suffer from social anxiety as well.

    Now that I've been reading about Buddhism, it seems that such anxieties about imagining what people are thinking about you/may say about you behind your back are nothing more than projections of one's own ego-self.

    It's basically being attached to a conception of self. If there is no self, then what is there to be the target of gossip?

    i do see some sense in it but i don't agree with it entirely because there are people who have strong sense of "i" and still NOT have social anxiety.

    i'm not sure what i could do to alleviate this issue.
  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran
    edited October 2010
    pain wrote: »
    i do see some sense in it but i don't agree with it entirely because there are people who have strong sense of "i" and still NOT have social anxiety.

    I should have been more clear. I'm not saying that it is only social anxiety which is an attachment to self, but rather that it is one manifestation/result of attachment. This is just my interpretation.
    i'm not sure what i could do to alleviate this issue.
    What I learned through therapy is to see the social situations that cause you anxiety for what they are. If you get stressed out talking in class/at a meeting, just focus on what is - the people around you listening, the notes, etc. You can't know if others are thinking negatively about you, so why bother worry about it?

    Like HHDL said, "If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry."
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Look up a guy named Jon kabat-zinn and his mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) practices. He was a student of my teacher's teacher and a medical doctor who has been one of the pioneers in bringing Buddhist meditation practices into modern western psychology and medicine. It is essentially the mindfulness meditation practice that the Buddha taught, that modern psychologists and now using more often to treat anxiety disorders and it is quite effective. They call it a "revolutionary treatment method" even though it has been around for 2,000 years. :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6T21cFoqQE
  • milkmothmilkmoth
    edited October 2010
    People just don't care.

    I really don't care about other people. I might see someone and say... "she's cute", "she's young", "she's old". But that's it.

    I'm only thinking about myself most of the time just like 99% of other people are.

    Learned that one from my parents.

    So you can relax... no one is thinking about you 99.999% of the time. We just don't care. :D (you get my point)

    I'd be ready to help you at anytime you need though. :)
  • TheJourneyTheJourney
    edited October 2010
    What guy above me said. People really aren't thinking about you. That's all there is too it. Study buddhism and meditate too. Buddhism is big on teaching detachment from this life and what you would normally consider yourself. Nothing and noone can harm you unless you let them. Your moods and emotions are among the few things you can control. Do you really want to give that away to other people?
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Look at it this way, how often do you think of others in a negative light? I do not mean to be insulting but... you are not that important. people will not be obsessing over you in such a way as you think. How do I know this? because I had the exact same problem. I used to over-analyze everything, especially what I thought people thought about me. If I was hanging out with a friend and they laughed I would instantly start over-thinking it... are they laughing just to humor me? are the feeling awkward? am I being weird?

    In the long run I just realized I'm not a big deal, and neither are you. Now even if someone does make a negative comment towards me, I just don't care. I'm not apathetic about it, it's just I do not value other peoples opinions in a way that I am affected by them.

    In the end? just let it go... don't worry, be happy.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Pain - I don't know you, have never seen you, and know nothing about you. But I'm going to be bold and say that you're not the most beautiful person in the world, you're not the sexiest person in the world, you don't have the most perfect skin, teeth, hair, eyes, or whatever in the world. You're not the richest person in the world. You're not the most successful person in the world.

    Now, all that said, neither is anybody else! Your ego is trying to make you believe that other people are better looking, more suave and debonaire than you, have better teeth than you, and drive nicer cars than you. Since your ego believes that to be the case, it tells you that you're *not* any of those things, but that other people *think* you should be all those things. But guess what? You're not, and you're not likely to be. You're who you are. You're a pile of DNA and a personality to go with it.

    Once you realize that you're no "prettier" or "smarter" or "better off" than anybody else, it makes it much easier to not really care very much what other people think of you. I don't know how old you are, but I used to be very much the same way about caring what other people thought of me. But the older I've gotten, the easier it's become for me to not really care all that much what other people think of what I look like, what I say, or what I do, or how I make a living, or what kind of car I drive, or anything else.
  • BreakNeckTurtleBreakNeckTurtle
    edited October 2010
    Dont worry be happy indeed!

    The mentions of you not being important, goes for every one of us too. None of us, me you, zayl and journey for example are just as important, or unimportant as the other.

    I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me. And once I realised that really, it just doesn't matter. Once you realise you you can just be free, and "just be" - yourself. Whether it is going out dressing like you normally think "Oh I shouldnt wear that" or if you want to dye your hair some insane color and think you'd be mocked for it. I dyed my hair electric bleach blue and coral green. It was a thick massive bush of hair and I did it as an experiment.

    People either A, Reacted like "Wow thats pretty funky hair" others who have experimented in a similar fashion reacted like "Nice, been done before" which yep, has been. and C, "what the hell has he done to his hair? jeez shave it off".

    But did any of them really matter? nope. I was in control of what I personally thought of it, I loved the style of it and the color of it and I wore it proudly. Knowing I was overcoming my social anxiety.

    Funnily enough people around college begun copying the idea and doing similar styles. I wear minimum footwear (Vibram FiveFingers) and I constantly get stares, I honestly couldn't give a crap what people think. Maybe you should try that too for a day, and you'll see how freeing it feels.

    Not giving a crap of course shouldn't be applied to everything, not giving a crap about peoples suffering is of course ignorant. But not giving a crap what people think, is good for social anxiety.

    We are, were or was insecure or secure as eachother at one point or another with social anxiety, some overcome it earlier than others.

    Just a note to finish off...

    The mind is your best friend, and greatest enemy. It can set you free or shackle you in chains. Your in control of the ability of both, You've just forgotten how to free yourself.

    D
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited October 2010
    .... and you should still brush your teeth and take a bath now and then. :)
  • CloudCloud Veteran
    edited October 2010
    OP: To stop caring so much about what others think of you, you must begin to realize that they are not "selves" that have any true importance; that they are empty and their opinions are merely the verbal representation of conditions that have made those opinions come into being. We generally find the no-self quality in others before we can begin to apply it to ourselves, as naturally the process of cognitive restructuring takes time and is painful for us.
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    edited October 2010
    pain wrote: »
    I suffer from social anxiety because I care too much about what people think of me. How do I stop caring? I want to let go and be free...

    Any thoughts?

    Thanks in advance

    The antidote for this is compassion. Takes a while to develop, but we feel social anxiety when we are focused on ourselves ... so change to focus to caring about others. Compassion is one of the two wings that take you to enlightenment ... wisdom is the other.

    Try Tonglen
    http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

    Memorize and repeat the Eight Verses For Training the Mind
    http://www.dalailama.com/teachings/training-the-mind

    Work on developing equanimity
    http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/t3.htmk on developing equanimity
  • ownerof1000oddsocksownerof1000oddsocks Veteran
    edited October 2010
    "The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life."

    Dalai Lama


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