Best way to let go of resentment...?

...can any of you wise people tell me?

I'm new to the forum,and to Buddhism in general,though I've been reading around it for the last few months...I'd love to live my life in a less bitter,angry way than I have been lately.

Thanks,

Tom x

...can any of you wise people tell me?

I'm new to the forum,and to Buddhism in general,though I've been reading around it for the last few months...I'd love to live my life in a less bitter,angry way than I have been lately.

Thanks,

Tom x

What has happened cannot be changed. Clinging to the memories only brings suffering. You dont want suffering do you ?

Atisha, when he went to Tibet, brought this Indian cook with him. You probably know the story. This Indian cook never made things or did things the way that Atisha wanted, and was always a pain in the neck. And the Tibetans said to Atisha, “Why did you bring this terrible cook with you? You can send him home. We can cook for you.” And Atisha said, “No, no, he’s not just my cook; he’s my teacher of patience.”

Then later on, the story goes, Atisha was trying to learn Tibetan, and he was trying out his Tibetan, and there was a little stone in his tsampa, the thing that he was eating. And so he said – he didn’t know the word for stones so he used the word for boulder, a huge rock – and he said “There’s a boulder in my tsampa,” and all the Tibetans rolled on the ground in laughter. And then Atisha said, “Ah, now I can send my cook back to India; you’ll be my teachers of patience.” Berzin

Hi Tom -- Resentment, like any other emotion, comes and goes. This is easy to say, perhaps, and easy to agree with, but believing it really is not quite enough.

In meditation practice -- literally sitting down, erecting the spine, sitting still, and focusing the mind -- there arises an opportunity to actualize what we claim to believe. It doesn't happen over night, but it does happen. Patience, courage and doubt are our great allies. When we exercise them, things have a way of straightening out.

said:

What has happened cannot be changed. Clinging to the memories only brings suffering. You dont want suffering do you ?

No.

But what my heart wants,I hate to admit,is justice of some kind. I know this ain't exactly Buddhist thinking.:rolleyes: But I want to rid myself of this obsession with levelling the playing field.

How do you guys do it? I can't seem to stop the memories from intruding,much as I know how harmful they are.

Tom x

said:

No.

But what my heart wants,I hate to admit,is justice of some kind. I know this ain't exactly Buddhist thinking.:rolleyes: But I want to rid myself of this obsession with levelling the playing field.

How do you guys do it? I can't seem to stop the memories from intruding,much as I know how harmful they are.

Tom x

right now you cannot separate the situation from your emotional reaction.

When you are fantasizing about justice (or whatever you do that is similar to this), just refocus your attention on something else for now.

Go for a walk, watch a comedy on tv instead of feeding your demon.
Soon enough, maybe in a week, a month or maybe even right now, you will be able to simply look at your own emotion without being drawn into the drama of it (the situation).

Then you will be able to see the absurdity of torturing yourself with negative emotional reactions.

In general, the best cure for bitterness and resentment is to actively make a catalogue of the things that you are grateful for. If there is particular music you like, friendships that you value, your health, etc. Make a list of all the memories you really value, all of the good times you had.

Then go and spend some time volunteering at a nursing home, hospital, homeless or animal shelter. I think you can get the idea from this, but there is something really valuable and healing in actually doing these things.

Bitterness always comes from self-absorption. The moment you start looking at others and taking an active interest in their lives, your bitterness will disappear-- particularly if you are helping strangers. Active compassion nourishes the heart and shows us how common suffering is. Combined with gratitude for all the good that each of us inevitably has in our life, our own suffering can be put in its proper perspective.

Good luck and welcome, brummie!

said:

No.

But what my heart wants,I hate to admit,is justice of some kind. I know this ain't exactly Buddhist thinking.:rolleyes: But I want to rid myself of this obsession with levelling the playing field.

How do you guys do it? I can't seem to stop the memories from intruding,much as I know how harmful they are.

Tom x

Practise meditation. Specifically practise Watching the mind, Seeing when thoughts arise and recognising them as seperate from yourself, It is by clinging to them as self we hurt and develop futher minds that cause more suffering. Watch them as they arise and fall dont give them any power by following them just watch.

This is a good method for developing impartiality from our thoughts and not having to be their slave to what ever arises in our mind.

Think of it as poisoning yourself if you hold on to the resenment.
If you let go you are doing yourself a favor. Be kind to yourself.

Hey,thank you all ;-)

The advice you all give is so relevant and do-able. I'm going to start meditating tomorrow-I have a kind of 'nuts-and-bolts' basic guide to breath meditating,with some stuff by Jon Kabott-Zinn.

Time to straighten myself out. No time like the present,eh?

Thanks again (from Brummie-land!)

Tom x

Quoted for keeps thanks!

said:

Bitterness always comes from self-absorption. The moment you start looking at others and taking an active interest in their lives, your bitterness will disappear-- particularly if you are helping strangers. Active compassion nourishes the heart and shows us how common suffering is. Combined with gratitude for all the good that each of us inevitably has in our life, our own suffering can be put in its proper perspective.

said:

Think of it as poisoning yourself if you hold on to the resenment. ..... ..... ....

I agree:

"Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you." (Norman Vincent Peale)

Forgive others and yourself.

What the heck?

I recently spent several months analyzing resentment in my life as part of a 12 Step program (4th step). The techniques weren’t specifically Buddhist (I don’t think) but perhaps the lessons learned will be appreciated.

I came to understand that, when I hurt people, it is because I did not know how to deal with my own suffering in a skillful way. I was a slave to ignorance, selfishness and delusion and did not know how to get out of it. Likewise, perhaps those who hurt me are or were trapped in their own ignorance, selfishness and delusion. If I have found a way out of this suffering, then perhaps it is best to treat those who haven’t with patience, tolerance and love regardless of how they may have hurt me.


When I put this all on paper and looked at it; when I read this all to a person I knew would understand (5^th step with my sponsor) it became very difficult to hold onto resentment. I still get frustrated and angry, but I find that I don’t live in those emotions anymore. I make sure to keep these lessons in mind as part of my daily practice (which is part 12 step work and part Buddhist practice).

<O:p</O:pAgain, I’m not sure how much of this is “Buddhist”, but it’s my experience.<O:p</O:p

Do you think a Buddhist fits in better with a Christian or Atheist 12 step program? :confused:

said:

Do you think a Buddhist fits in better with a Christian or Atheist 12 step program? :confused:

There are Buddhist 12 step programs. Just Google it.

"There's not a lot of money in revenge." :)


.

said:

I came to understand that, when I hurt people, it is because I did not know how to deal with my own suffering in a skillful way.

Yep. That sure does resonate. :(

Thanks,everyone.

Tom x

said:

But what my heart wants,I hate to admit,is justice of some kind.

No sir. That's what your ego (mind) wants. Not your heart. The trick is to learn the difference :)

said:

Quoted for keeps thanks!

said:

Bitterness always comes from self-absorption. The moment you start looking at others and taking an active interest in their lives, your bitterness will disappear-- particularly if you are helping strangers. Active compassion nourishes the heart and shows us how common suffering is. Combined with gratitude for all the good that each of us inevitably has in our life, our own suffering can be put in its proper perspective.

Agreed also1 probably the hardest thing to do in life is put these things into action. Mind automatically switch to attack mode almost every time :o

Maybe you could imagine the person/s you dislike in a scenario that would be very emotional for you, something that would make them very sad. First imagine it happening to you and feel your own sorrow so that you don't dilute the sorrow with your hatred, then put them in your place to see how fragile they are as well, that you two have much in common. In truth they are simply confused as a Buddhist would say, and exercises like these might help to elucidate such confusion, that deep down we just want happiness and it's only through the very same confusion you're facing now that people have done harmful things to you.

said:

Do you think a Buddhist fits in better with a Christian or Atheist 12 step program? :confused:

Honestly, I feel 12 steppers fit in better with 12 steppers. My home group is made up largely of Christians but is also made up of at least one Buddhist ;) and a couple of others who are some form of "spiritual". I don't know any open atheists in my area (at least not in the 12 step world) but I know they exsist and seem to do just fine after reinterpreting the steps for themselves.

said:

No.

But what my heart wants,I hate to admit,is justice of some kind. I know this ain't exactly Buddhist thinking.:rolleyes: But I want to rid myself of this obsession with levelling the playing field.

How do you guys do it? I can't seem to stop the memories from intruding,much as I know how harmful they are.

Tom x

Let the memories intrude. They are not the problem.
What IS the problem (yes, for all of us) is this urgent sense that we need to "fix" them, that their very presence is an indication that something is "wrong".

Well, nothing is "wrong". This is exactly what the Buddha promised ... that life involves suffering, and here is your very own example of this. And the way out of suffering is not to try to grab onto it and fix it and make it go away. This is a clear example of how aversion (to these memories) and attachment (to the idea of getting rid of the memories) destroys our peace of mind.

Buddhism is all about setting new habits on how we react and handle things. In your meditation practice, you become familiar with distracting thoughts arising, and you learn to let them wash over you and away from your like water over a rock, without trying to grab onto them, without trying to banish them, without getting "hooked" by them. This is setting a new habit, and the same thing can be done with our our memories as they arise.

I used to teach natural childbirth, and the truth of physical pain is that the more you attend to it and/or the more you fight it, the stronger and more painful it is. Psychological pain is not really all that different.

I agree that needing to "fix" someone is the kind of motivation that fuels resentment. Beneath that appears to be judgement. We like to tell ourselves they are nothing like me. Then we begin thinking of all the things we would never do and how "they" do these "stupid" things. Self-righteousness and judgement go hand in hand. When we start with the stories of how different everyone else is from us, we find it easy to fuel stories of resentment. It is easy to find

The truth is, people are more alike than we would be ready to admit. The panhandler has some common values with the president or prime minister. That may be hard for the president to see, but they do.

I find resentment can be diffused when I look for the similar values I share with the person I resent. When I believe the targeted person is the same as me, I am much more charitable.

People do things that they think are right to do, even when they aren't. Even the rapist or murderer has a need for love or acceptance underlying the behaviors. That is the beauty of Buddhism. It teaches about harmony, love and acceptance for everyone regardless how flawed their reasoning is. That is why it is such a powerful tool.

Yes,I can see that...we've far more similarities than differences with other people.

I can also see how I want the person who hurt me to see the hurt that they caused...and preferably to feel it too...not very admirable traits,I'm afraid,and I don't want to feel that way.

Your posts have sign-posted a way out...but damn. It ain't easy.

Tom x

The best way to let go of resentment is to develop compassion. Both for the person you resent ... who only did what they did because they suffer and were looking for a way to either be happy or to reduce their suffering.
And for yourself, who suffers from this feeling of resentment.

We are all in this same boat, just trying to find a way to be happy.

sit with it. give it a kiss. then sit with it some more.

Thank you. I'll try.

Ask yourself: how would I feel without this resentment? What kind of person would I be?

Seeing that you are better off without the resentment can help to let it go.

Alcoholics Anonymous are the black belts at dealing with resentments. Our literature says:

Alcoholics Anonymous (affectionately known as the Big Book) page 64:

"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all sorts of spiritual disease, for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick."

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

We put the resentment down on paper in four columns. In the first we write the name of the person/organisation/principle with whom we have the resentment. In the second column we write what the person/organisation/principle has done to us. In the third column we write how that made us feel. In the fourth column (this is the tough bit), we then write our part in that resentment. Often, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. At other times, such as when we've been sexually abused as children, we have no active part, but we still have a part in that we carry that resentment badly. We need to understand that the abuser was spiritually sick, just as we alcoholics were spiritually sick.

We then take this paper to someone we trust, and discuss it with him/her. Not an easy task.

Then comes the final part in ridding the resentment. If we owe an amend, we put out of our minds the harm that the person/organisation did to us, and we go and make the amend - focussing only on our part; not theirs.

It's not an easy thing to do. I've had to do numerous tough 'amends' (it's to amend the situation) including to a Mother whom had disowned me and I hadn't seen for 11 years; to an ex wife I abused, to children I'd abandoned. I also had to make financial amends to institutions I owed money too.

However, dealing with resentments is an extremely practical spiritual experience. You go to someone you dislike - maybe even hated - and clean up your side of the street. When you leave, hopefully, the person you've hated has become someone else. My Mother, for example, turned from this angry, unloving woman into just a sad little old lady I felt sorry for, and someone whom I want to be a better son for. A.A = Attitude Changers; it changes your perception of a situation and life in general. It's what softened me up for dharma.

But it's always important to speak to someone you trust before making an amend/dealing with a resentment; just in case we have a wrong view of the situation; we don't want to be causing further harm to ourselves or others.

I hope that's been some help.

Maarten-thank you so much for your contribution.

Tosh-what a thoughtful and deeply encouraging reply...I feel really humbled that you took the time and effort to write it,and it's given me a lot to consider,as have all the previous replies.

Dealing with,and trying to overcome resentment seems to be a daily thing,much like A.A.'s 'one day at a time' ethic. It's hard,as my reputation has been unfairly dragged through the wringer.

But on good days,I think...so what? It's taught me to let go (a little) of my concept of 'reputation' and how important that is,and how much more skilfully I could've dealt with the situation...and WILL deal with similar situations when and if they ever arise.

Thank you all again...what a great bunch of people!

Tom x

An approach I find extremely beneficial for letting go of resentment is a teaching Pema Chodron offers. Lojong mind training #12. Drive all blames into one.

http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/lojong3.php

It is a powerful way to let go of resentment. What it asks you to do, is to take all of the blame for a problem onto yourself. What could you have done to change things, not what could the other person have done. Only consider the part you have played in a problem. Even if you are certain the other person is at fault on some level, just look at your own blame. It can have amazing results.

AllbuddhaBound said:

An approach I find extremely beneficial for letting go of resentment is a teaching Pema Chodron offers. Lojong mind training #12. Drive all blames into one.

http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/lojong3.php

It is a powerful way to let go of resentment. What it asks you to do, is to take all of the blame for a problem onto yourself. What could you have done to change things, not what could the other person have done. Only consider the part you have played in a problem. Even if you are certain the other person is at fault on some level, just look at your own blame. It can have amazing results.

That sounds amazingly close to what A.A. teaches! Pema Chodron has had contact with alcoholics (I think her daughter in law is one); so I wonder if she got the idea from A.A.?

Just a thought!

Lojong has always been an integral part of Tibetan Buddhism since centuries ago.

You can read about Lojong here.

At the risk of sounding fluffily new agey - I recently stumbled across a cd set, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie in a second hand store. Apropos? I was put off by her schmaltzy delivery but suspended judgement for a few disks. What I found was an amazingly revealing personal tool (if used honestly) for understanding and releasing resentment. Her most "popular" counseling surrounds what she has labeled "The Work". This tool, from her first book exemplifies that description - this is work.

As HHDL has reminded us, "Never Give Up".

Katie calls what she does "The Work," and central to The Work is Inquiry. Inquiry is the process of analyzing a resentment until it no longer creates suffering. Here is a quick peek at Byron Katie's Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround...

Focus on a specific resentment in which you are angry with another person for something, especially something they continue to do. As an example, "Paul doesn't listen to me."

Now, ask four questions about the resentment...

1. Is it true? In the example, "Is it true that Paul doesn't listen to me?"

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Or is it only true from my personal point-of-view?)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? In the example, do you become upset and suffer when you believe that Paul doesn't support you?

4. Who would you be without the thought? Imagine simply not having the thought "Paul doesn't listen to me," would you have less stress and suffering?

Now "turn around" the resentment in several ways. Possible "turnarounds" are, “I don’t listen to Paul,” “I don’t listen to myself,” and “Paul DOES listen to me.” For each turnaround, ask yourself whether is is as true or truer than the original statement (resentment).

Maybe you should not let go of all of it. You might still want to resent the doing of evil, performing unskillful actions, and the defiling of the mind.

IronRabbit said:

At the risk of sounding fluffily new agey - I recently stumbled across a cd set, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie in a second hand store. Apropos? I was put off by her schmaltzy delivery but suspended judgement for a few disks. What I found was an amazingly revealing personal tool (if used honestly) for understanding and releasing resentment. Her most "popular" counseling surrounds what she has labeled "The Work". This tool, from her first book exemplifies that description - this is work.

As HHDL has reminded us, "Never Give Up".

Katie calls what she does "The Work," and central to The Work is Inquiry. Inquiry is the process of analyzing a resentment until it no longer creates suffering. Here is a quick peek at Byron Katie's Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround...

Focus on a specific resentment in which you are angry with another person for something, especially something they continue to do. As an example, "Paul doesn't listen to me."

Now, ask four questions about the resentment...

1. Is it true? In the example, "Is it true that Paul doesn't listen to me?"

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Or is it only true from my personal point-of-view?)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? In the example, do you become upset and suffer when you believe that Paul doesn't support you?

4. Who would you be without the thought? Imagine simply not having the thought "Paul doesn't listen to me," would you have less stress and suffering?

Now "turn around" the resentment in several ways. Possible "turnarounds" are, “I don’t listen to Paul,” “I don’t listen to myself,” and “Paul DOES listen to me.” For each turnaround, ask yourself whether is is as true or truer than the original statement (resentment).

I have also found Byron Katies work as extremely useful. It helps one to consider things with an open mind and it is a very effective way to examine what we assume to be truth.

As far as new age however, the approach is very grounded in age old approaches. Taoism is cited specifically in one of her books and her husband is a scholar who studied Taoism in depth and wrote many books on the subject.

It is a powerful tool to help a person understand acceptance. A cornerstone of Buddhism.

Thank you for mentioning it.

Some part of you feels hurt by someone.
What if instead of reacting against them, you focus on the source of your resentment by on comforting your wounded self- you flood your self with universal love and caring and the promise of immersion in more positive involvements (and then do them!)

Good answers...but the resentment still lingers. There are good days,where I look at it 360 degrees,and I feel at peace. Other days,the injustice gnaws at me like a festering wound. It's part,I guess,of being human.

The thing is,I want to rise above all this,and not be bitter,twisted and angry. It seems to have affected my life so profoundly,though,that I'm not sure I'm big enough.

Being angry or filled with hate is just another human emotion, but it is afflictive to ones life as it leaves a bad mark where ever you may go. If you imagine that anger or hate is like a hot coal, then you can see that the longer you keep onto it, the longer it will burn. Whoever you share it with also will get burned by it, and on top of that, if the coal starts to cool down but you start an argument that has already transpired back up again, then it is as if you are placing that coal back into the embers and back to burning point once more.

It is easier said than done to simply let things go, it takes time and effort to do so. A lot of the time people do not feel that they should let things go because they are right or they have a right to defend their ego. The thing is, as long as you cling to this ego and defend it, you will suffer yourself in some way or another even if you win the argument. You will also cause suffering to other people with your words or actions.

The buddha spoke of 3 main poisons in life, greed, hate and ignorance. They are the 3 biggest afflictions to ones well being in his opinion, and I personally have to agree. If you consider every war, every fight, every crime, they all will stem from at least one of those three poisons.

Hope you can find some answers in all of these posts, take care :)

Tombo said:

Good answers...but the resentment still lingers. There are good days,where I look at it 360 degrees,and I feel at peace. Other days,the injustice gnaws at me like a festering wound. It's part,I guess,of being human.

The thing is,I want to rise above all this,and not be bitter,twisted and angry. It seems to have affected my life so profoundly,though,that I'm not sure I'm big enough.

Something that you may find useful. Drop all expectations. We can fuel our resentment by clinging onto expectations that people "should" do the right thing or that things "should" go our way. Like Buddha said, don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself.

one way to deal with it is to see it as the other person wants you to get angry, so you're giving them control over you. now, don't you want to be in control of your own emotions and thoughts? so why just hand them over like that. stay firm in your values and see that you can rise above it all and the feeling of tranquility will be much greater than if you enact some kind of revenge and then afterwards realize, you're not that much better than the other person, so why were you complaining in the first place. you can be the better person. eye for an eye is the way savages operate.

Good answers...thank you all.
I'm coming to terms with all of it,after a long,long time (as you can see,my original post for this thread was awhile ago now) and reading back through all of your answers I can see what sound advice you've all given me,and I certainly view things differently now...from a much healthier,less ego-driven perspective.
Although,I have to say,the habit of defending my ego and 'reputation' have been so entrenched within me that although all of your replies made sense,actually acting on the advice you've all given has been HARD.
But hey...not one of you said it would be easy! ;-)

Thanks again...you've all been a great help,as well as a comfort.

Tom x

Insight meditation!

Haha,that's for sure. ;-)

I'm glad you bumped this thread. Beautiful!
I am fixated on myself some pains and so this whole thread spoke to me, finally. :)

Jeffrey said:

What the heck?

I've found two things that help--a belief in karma, i.e. justice will serve itself, so I don't have to do anything. Part of resentment (to me) is the continued, nagging feeling that I must "do something about it."

Another (probably very girly? Sorry!) thing is to imagine the offensive person as a baby, before they were harmful or annoying or [insert fault]. Think about that for a while, see them as their helpless little self, and realize that so much about who they are was out of their hands, not their choice. Their parents, their experiences, childhood traumas, maybe a bad family life--all shaped them into who they are. Some of their behavior is definitely their fault, but some of it is just their lot in life, and not as personally-directed at you as it would seem.

Yes,that certainly helps thinking of it that way,thanks. :) It's not girly at all,haha...and funnily enough, I've used that way of dealing with it before.

The thing she did was this: We broke up; during a subsequent text convo not long after,I got angry and called her out on quite a few things. I didn't swear or anything,but it was one of those angry convos where both people try to have the last word.

And boy,did she have the last word.

I found out not long afterwards that she'd told people I'd been abusive and had harassed her...this was so far from the truth that it was laughable,but mud sticks,as they say,and my reputation took a nosedive. She even went as far as to change her number,telling people that I was the cause.

The thing is,I've always despised guys who are abusive,coming from a home where my father was just that...being accused of the same thing was just about the worst thing I could imagine.

Looking at it 360 degrees? Well,she's very highly strung,prone to the odd tantrum (she's an actress). She's very beautiful,a bit of a prom queen...and not used to people telling her 'No,you can't do that...that's out of line'. That's her character...and as you suggest,Sile,it's clearly how her past has shaped her.

*phew!*

Sorry to spill my guts like that!

The good thing is,the social isolation I suffered afterwards (I'm only just getting social again) caused me to look inwards,and change things I'd never been happy with...which in turn led me to Buddhist philosophy,which led me here,to this site,this community...I'm a better person for it.

Thanks for reading,if you got this far!

Tom x