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Beat the Winter Blahs- HumoUr Thread

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Comments

  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    Hey... Hey now! the thread title is spelled wrong. There is only one "u" in the word Humor!

    I'm upset! I'm mad! someone has to account for this! I have nothing else better to do with my time!
    BunksBeej
  • This Israeli guy finds himself sitting next to two Arabs on a flight.
    After a hour has passed he tells the Arabs that he is going to get himself a coke, and asks if he can get them one..
    ' Yes thank you ' they reply.
    He gives then their cokes and the ice having been broken they start to have a relaxed and friendly chat.
    After a while the Israeli sighs and says 'why cant it always be like this ? '
    The Arabs nod in agreement.
    He continues,
    'Why all the bombing ? Why all the shooting ? Why all the pissing in the cokes ? '
    jaeBunks
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    For those men seeking to retrofit a flab-o-licious midsection, this tongue-in-cheek video was passed along today. There is a slight delay (be patient) before the seriously-flawed sales pitch begins.
    anatamanCittasova
  • Therapist to client ' You are obsessed with revenge '
    Client ' Oh am I...we'll see about that ! '.
    sova
  • anatamananataman Who needs a title? Where am I? Veteran
    genkaku said:

    For those men seeking to retrofit a flab-o-licious midsection, this tongue-in-cheek video was passed along today. There is a slight delay (be patient) before the seriously-flawed sales pitch begins.

    That seriously made me laugh, and my daughter came in at the punch line to say 'what was that about daddy!"
    sova
  • CheChe Veteran
    In the garden of Eden lay Adam
    Complacently stroking his madam
    And loud was his mirth
    For he know that on earth
    There were only two balls
    And he had em
    BunksEvenThirdsova
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    Che said:

    A do it yourselfer named Alice
    Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
    They found her vagina in South Carolina
    And part of her anus in Dallas :D

    That's gold Jerry.....
  • Thanks for laffs guys xxx

    image

    image
    sovaBeejCheperson
  • CheChe Veteran
    Bunks said:

    Che said:

    A do it yourselfer named Alice
    Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
    They found her vagina in South Carolina
    And part of her anus in Dallas :D

    That's gold Jerry.....
    Playboy, C1963 Bunks ;)
    jae
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    I'd be interested in her reply.....!
  • My mother was a remarkable woman. For 20 years she served us leftovers.
    The original meal has never been found.
    BeejJeffreyfedericaanataman
  • "The time has come," the Walrus said,
    "To talk of many things:
    Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
    Of cabbages--and kings--
    And why the sea is boiling hot--
    And whether pigs have wings."
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?"
  • jaejae Veteran
    please look away if you don't like swearing...
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    edited February 2014
    Those with delicate sensibilities, who are raunch-averse or are in any way convinced by "right speech" should steer well clear of this video.

    I will not entertain any post-facto whining ... you were warned!
    jaeVastmindhowperson
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    jae said:

    please look away if you don't like swearing...

    Sadly, I actually do know one person I could legitimately send that to, without uttering a word of a lie.

    you'll be glad to know I am amply resisting the temptation.

    'faceache' is right....

    jae
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    Tax filing season has officially started here in the US....
    Let's Beat the Tax Blahs :)

    A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to get her tax form done. "Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your profession for income purposes."

    "Well," she says, "Prostitution."

    "No, no we can't put that down!" the tax guy says.

    "Oh well, then a hooker," she says.

    "No, no, still won't accept that."

    So she thinks for a minute and replies, "Chicken farmer."

    "Chicken farmer?" says the tax guy.

    "Sure," she says, "I raised over 200 cocks last year!"
    anatamanjae
  • I just landed a job with a major tax firm...
    Make sure you honk at lady liberty when I wave to you!
  • anatamananataman Who needs a title? Where am I? Veteran
    When will you ever have the chance to wave appropriately again?

    Only Kidding - enjoy your new job!
  • NMADDPNMADDP SUN Diego, California Explorer
    Religion Shit list ....

    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
    Very true. If shit happens, it is karma or something else, but not shit
    :)

    Got the Shit list from the link below:
    http://www.aaaugh.com/jokes/shit_list.html

    A Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
    Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
    Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

    Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
    Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
    Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
    Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
    Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
    Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
    Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
    Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
    Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
    Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
    Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
    Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
    Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
    Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
    Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
    Creationism: God made all shit.
    Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
    Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor -pray.
    Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
    Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
    Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
    Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
    Darwinism: This shit was once food.
    Capitalism: That's MY shit.
    Communism: It's everybody's shit.
    Feminism: Men are shit.
    Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
    Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
    Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
    Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
    Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
    Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
    Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
    Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
    Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
    Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
    Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
    Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
    Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
    Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
    Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
    Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
    Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
    Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
    Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
    Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
    Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
    Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
    Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
    Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
    Atheism: What shit?
    Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
    Nihilism: No shit.




    anataman
  • jaejae Veteran
    A man goes to the Doctors with premature ejaculation problems for advice.

    The Doctor prescribes all the up to date medications without successfully treating the symptoms, he advised the patient to try a radical method, the Doctor said..

    "Just as you feel you are about to orgasm take this starting pistol and fire it, this should delay the orgasm"

    Two weeks later the same Doctor is doing his rounds in A&E and notices the patient, curious he asks the patient what has happened to him.

    To which the man replies..

    "Two days after my appointment with you I had an opportunity to test the starting pistol method, shortly after assuming the 69 position I felt close to orgasm so I took the starting pistol from under the pillow and fired it"

    The Doctor then asks...

    "Well did it work? What are you doing in A&E?"

    The man replied..

    "yes it did work, however when I fired the pistol, she shat in my face, bit my cock off and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up"




    lobsterVastmindanatamanperson
  • DavidDavid some guy The Hammer in Ontario, Canada, eh Veteran
    A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender if he can have a free drink, he'll show him something he's never seen before.

    Bartender says sure so the guy pulls out a shoebox and pulls out a miniature piano. Then a little dude steps out of the box and proceeds to play it just beautifully. The bartender asks the guy where he found something like that and the guy replies that he was passed on a genie in a lamp but it's a little messed up.

    The bartender tells him he can have free drinks for life if he can have a wish on the genie. The guy says sure, produces a lamp and hands it over. The genie pops out and asks him what he wants so he says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is over run by mallards with feathers flying all over the place.

    The bartender looks at the guy and says "What the hell, Mack!"

    The guy says "I told you it was a little messed up... Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?
    anataman
  • DavidDavid some guy The Hammer in Ontario, Canada, eh Veteran
    My fiancé says she's a hypochondriac but I think it's all in her head.
  • anatamananataman Who needs a title? Where am I? Veteran
    ourself said:

    A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender if he can have a free drink, he'll show him something he's never seen before.

    Bartender says sure so the guy pulls out a shoebox and pulls out a miniature piano. Then a little dude steps out of the box and proceeds to play it just beautifully. The bartender asks the guy where he found something like that and the guy replies that he was passed on a genie in a lamp but it's a little messed up.

    The bartender tells him he can have free drinks for life if he can have a wish on the genie. The guy says sure, produces a lamp and hands it over. The genie pops out and asks him what he wants so he says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is over run by mallards with feathers flying all over the place.

    The bartender looks at the guy and says "What the hell, Mack!"

    The guy says "I told you it was a little messed up... Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?

    That was a great one to start the weekend, Thank you @ourself I'll be telling all my mates that one down the pub...

    Well I would if I had any mates!

  • When the doctor first diagnosed me as having auto-kleptomania I had to pinch myself.
    anataman
  • LOST.
    Small black and white dog with one eye, three legs, and only half a tail.
    Answers to the name ' Lucky '.

    anataman
  • anatamananataman Who needs a title? Where am I? Veteran

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
    spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
    can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
    don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
    north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
    "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
    correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
    is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
    you've delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
    going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
    You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
  • CittaCitta Veteran

    Dave drowned. We sent a funeral wreath shaped like a lifebelt.

    It's what he would have wanted.

  • CittaCitta Veteran

    Uri Geller is surprisingly hard to stab.

  • CittaCitta Veteran

    Wondering who sent you a card on Valentine's Day..good.

    Wondering who sent you a card on Father's Day..bad.

  • CittaCitta Veteran

    I went to a Loneliness Therapy Group..no one else tuned up...

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