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Dating and the Buddhist girl

LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
edited January 2007 in Buddhism Today
I am single and have done the match.com thing and met a few guys from here and there. One thing I notice is that when they inevitabley find out that I identify as Buddhist they get all weird and uncomfortable. They associate it it with Hare Krishna airport chanting and dasiey giving people or soemthing. Granted I am in Florida, and there is a huge baptist, Christian and Catholic influence but...c'mon...really. So I keep it under wraps. That annoys me as I don't want to feel like I need to hide something because of their ignorance.

Any other singles find this obstacle/predjudice in meeting opposite sex?

Too bad my small sangha really is composed of married or solo type individuals that do not hang out or socialize much outside of sangha few functions with teacher. I hate bars, etc and would love some like minded friends to hang with. Dating could emerge form there but...

Also being 44 and single is weird thing. Wome in their 40's have fewer options to meet and hook up with peopole but in a way it can be an exciting challenge if you are upfor itand perseverent. It really si true that men my age will sleep with you but wnat a younger owman for Long term partner. People keep telling me otherwise but that is what I have expereinced in real world past couple years.

SO, I go between wanting to just go for unskillful sex in lieu of romance and real relationship building. Unskillful as in casual to point of not really caring but just getting a intimacy fix. Or unsafe sex practices because I hate safe sex practices. I am sad to admit that I miss unsafe sex adn soiemtimes get sucked into "well, if they do not care..." Then I think I don't feel guilty about possibley exposing them to stuff. I know that is not cool. Or lieing about certain special concerns I have health wise to potential partners... Not lieing but just not wanting to divilge.

Hmm, what is girl to do. I do not see sex as unskillful but the ploys that get played out in dating scene. Like lieing about my age,

Any Buddhist singles and their comments.? Hell, just anybody and their comments, LOL.

Comments

  • harlanharlan
    edited December 2006
    Look on the bright side: you could discover Buddhism when you're 44, married and with kids...only to be attached to a rabidly hating Buddhist turning your life into Hell. Find Buddhism...and get to lose everything else. (Don't know whether to laugh or cry. LOL! )

    Have you considered tailoring your activities in such a way as to increase your chances of meeting another like minded (mate seeking) Buddhists?
  • CelebrinCelebrin
    edited December 2006
    im single lol.. i don't class myself as a buddhist, and i generally try not to talk about it.. because 'ppl don't get it'.

    I think buddhism is a deterant for many singles.. because they think its a funny cult, at least as far as putting it as your religion on dating sites.. i had some girl want to become a buddhist because her grandad was dieing.. and she posted me..

    it was a bit silly.. kinda the person looking for theories and salvation.. rather than understanding.

    i don't wanna 'fuck' ppl for a quick fix.. cause to me thats suffering. I want to do sexual stuff because i want to do it with that person.

    Saying that, i'm inexperienced in the whole love, dating scene..

    Dating sites confuse me.. i've had multiple posts from 30 - 35 yr old women.. and i just aint gunna answer them.. i post to ppl more in my age group.. and nothing hardly ever happens. I come across too many ppl 'looking for fun' i ignore them.
  • ZenLunaticZenLunatic Veteran
    edited December 2006
    Try this. Hopefully there might be people in your area!

    http://www.dharmadate.net/
  • PalzangPalzang Veteran
    edited December 2006
    Here's another one. This one has the benefit of being free. Don't know anything about it really (I don't really date, being a monk!), but it might have possibilities.

    www.mybuddhistfriends.com

    Palzang
  • IawaIawa
    edited December 2006
    Sounds all too tempting...........

    lord, lead us not.......
    enough said.
  • zenmonk_genryuzenmonk_genryu
    edited December 2006
    My advice - don't bother.
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited December 2006
    Thanks all:

    I appreciate the sites. I do know sites. Here, I am commenting about how it is when we're out in real world (not online) and you get a sense that your practice is intepreted weird. It is more just an observtion of something that is a waste. Also I am commenting on my personal struggle with what I think is right sexuality in terms of intimacy in the modern age. All sorts of issues come up.

    These ar more up for discussion. No real results. More just persoanl reflections/sharing is what I was going for. I find that helpful.
  • ajani_mgoajani_mgo Veteran
    edited December 2006
    I don't know how similar are our experiences - but we all live in places where Buddhism is heavily stereotyped with superstitions, mysticism and non-rationalism. For me whenever I get these weird stares, I will quickly differentiate myself from the Nichirens and Taoists in my country by immediately stating that "But I'm not those kind of chanting and praying types - not that I'm racist against them." and I shut up and don't exactly elaborate unless they ask further. Hopefully this at times helps to clarify my position as a Buddhist among my peers, and to me, treating it as too much of a religion or a philosophy might just scare people off - it's alright to just be cool with it, in the same way as some people's way of life of "Materialism rocks." or "To live is to die." types.
  • PalzangPalzang Veteran
    edited December 2006
    So what kind are you then?

    Palzang
  • harlanharlan
    edited December 2006
    Just don't mention the word 'tantra'. LOL!
  • CelebrinCelebrin
    edited December 2006
    *eyes open a bit wider*
  • ajani_mgoajani_mgo Veteran
    edited December 2006
    I'm the one who keeps on laughing whenever I hear people mis-refer Buddhism! :p

    Actually, I've read about tantra before, but I haven't really gotten the gist of it. It's supposed to be the "opposite" of the sutra way, where instead of eliminating desires, you embrace them. Is it? :)
  • PalzangPalzang Veteran
    edited December 2006
    First of all you have to figure out which tantra they're talking about. There are lots of books out about "sexual tantra". This has absolutely nothing to do with Buddhist tantra. It seems to be some kind of Hindu thing, but probably not much like real Hindu tantra. Buddhist tantra is about transforming one's poisons into enlightened amrita. If you're stingy, you apply the antidote to transform it into generosity. If you're angry and full of hate, you apply the antidote to turn it into love and compassion. In other words, you start where you're at, and you work with what you've got.

    Palzang
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited December 2006
    I would have to say that I find it odd that religion comes up at all.

    I mean - I don't really run across very many people (even while I was dating) who want to know what my religion was.

    And oddly enough - if a person is engaging in unskillful or non-marriage sex - they really don't seem to be following "said" tenets of a religion very closely anyway. So why would they feel they need to get bent out of shape because you're a Buddhist?

    I find that use of the Golden Rule is a good policy. My girlfriend doesn't really know what to think about Buddhism. She doesn't ask. I don't tell her about it. I figure if she wants to know about it - she can go looking or ask me. But it certainly isn't up to me (or at least I don't feel that it is) to force my beliefs upon her.

    -bf
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited December 2006
    Ajani:
    "For me whenever I get these weird stares, I will quickly differentiate myself from the Nichirens and Taoists in my country by immediately stating that "But I'm not those kind of chanting and praying types - not that I'm racist against them.""

    I feel you.
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited December 2006
    BuddhaFoot: I agree.

    Re: don't mention tantra: LOL. Yes, there are those that see this as way to sound spiritual AND tittillating at same time...oh brother.
  • zenmonk_genryuzenmonk_genryu
    edited December 2006
    Actually the inverse of the Golden Rule is less problematic than the Golden Rule itself - "Do not do unto others as you would not have done unto you."
  • IawaIawa
    edited December 2006
    LatinaMermaid wrote:
    Ajani:
    "For me whenever I get these weird stares, I will quickly differentiate myself from the Nichirens and Taoists in my country by immediately stating that "But I'm not those kind of chanting and praying types - not that I'm racist against them.""

    Resentimentalization in action.
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited December 2006
    zenmonk_genryu wrote:
    Actually the inverse of the Golden Rule is less problematic than the Golden Rule itself - "Do not do unto others as you would not have done unto you."


    Ha ha ha ha! I am SUCH an idiot!

    I honestly thought the Golden Rule was: Silence is Golden.

    Me = Stupid.

    You may all spit on me and ridicule me now.

    -bf
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited December 2006
    We would not dream of such a thing..... there is no signpost labelled 'right spitting'.....

    Weird that being a Buddhist gal is causing such disruption and furore.... Nick knew - more by my modus operandi than from my telling him, that I was a spiritually-inclined person....to begin with in our relationship, his curiosity would lead to much discussion, and being the argumentative sod that he is (he is after all studying Law...!)he would present arguments in an effort to shoot holes in my philosophy..... but he never could, and was actually pleased by that..... now, it's not of any consequence, one way or the other. But I always knew the discussions were more for 'amusement' than to really attempt to knock me sideways. It was never challenging, threatening or offensive.....more often than not, it was fun...!
  • PalzangPalzang Veteran
    edited December 2006
    buddhafoot wrote:
    Ha ha ha ha! I am SUCH an idiot!

    I honestly thought the Golden Rule was: Silence is Golden.

    Me = Stupid.

    You may all spit on me and ridicule me now.

    -bf


    I like your version better, bf. I thought the Golden Rule was: "Gold is good; more gold is better."

    Palzang
  • ajani_mgoajani_mgo Veteran
    edited December 2006
    I think me and buddhafoot are about the same in terms of our "non-intervention".

    Oh damm, does that make me an idiot too?
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited December 2006
    ajani_mgo wrote:
    I think me and buddhafoot are about the same in terms of our "non-intervention".

    Oh damm, does that make me an idiot too?

    The more the merrier.

    -bf
  • BrigidBrigid Veteran
    edited December 2006
    LOL!!
  • PalzangPalzang Veteran
    edited December 2006
    ajani_mgo wrote:
    I think me and buddhafoot are about the same in terms of our "non-intervention".

    Oh damm, does that make me an idiot too?

    Yep, 'fraid so, Ajani. But then we're all bozos on this bus.

    Palzang
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited January 2007
    On this topic, this made me laugh this morning :-)
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited January 2007
    Palzang wrote:
    Yep, 'fraid so, Ajani. But then we're all bozos on this bus.

    Palzang

    Speak fer yerself.....









    I for one, am a 'Bozess'.....
  • CelebrinCelebrin
    edited January 2007
    well if u arrive at ur date, in a calm state, with a peaceful voice... I'd suspect they'd think u weren't interested in them. Id prefer a girl to look nervous and run at me cute way attempting to crush my rib cage with a hug.. i always find that vulnerable ppl need love the most.

    While if u walk about like i do sometimes it looks like you don't need it.
  • XraymanXrayman Veteran
    edited January 2007
    buddhafoot wrote:
    I would have to say that I find it odd that religion comes up at all.

    I mean - I don't really run across very many people (even while I was dating) who want to know what my religion was.

    And oddly enough - if a person is engaging in unskillful or non-marriage sex - they really don't seem to be following "said" tenets of a religion very closely anyway. So why would they feel they need to get bent out of shape because you're a Buddhist?

    I find that use of the Golden Rule is a good policy. My girlfriend doesn't really know what to think about Buddhism. She doesn't ask. I don't tell her about it. I figure if she wants to know about it - she can go looking or ask me. But it certainly isn't up to me (or at least I don't feel that it is) to force my beliefs upon her.

    -bf

    Dear BF,

    I was hoping that you were not going to bring up that personal matter that I discussed with you about the "problems" (Unskillful sex) I was having on this forum. In the future, could you please relegate all further discussions between you and I to the "secret" area?

    thank you.

    *embarrassed* :zombie:
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited January 2007
    LOL
    You have no idea how true that is in serious and spiritual circles, LOL.
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited January 2007
    I myself was a mistress with a revered spirtitual practioner of the 8FP in a monogamous LTR.

    . And it caused harm and I have remorse.

    The reason I added this comment is because when I reread that last post it sounded like I was holier than thou. Which is certainly not the case at all :-)

    I do laugh though, because it is everywhere and often the elephant in the room.
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited January 2007
    Xrayman wrote:
    Dear BF,

    I was hoping that you were not going to bring up that personal matter that I discussed with you about the "problems" (Unskillful sex) I was having on this forum. In the future, could you please relegate all further discussions between you and I to the "secret" area?

    thank you.

    *embarrassed* :zombie:

    So - are you saying we're not going to have sex anymore? :scratch:

    -bf
  • IawaIawa
    edited January 2007
    buddhafoot wrote:
    Ha ha ha ha! I am SUCH an idiot!

    I honestly thought the Golden Rule was: Silence is Golden.

    Me = Stupid.

    You may all spit on me and ridicule me now.

    -bf

    Wow I thought the golden rule was, whoever pays the bills makes the rules. Hmmmm........

    :om:
  • LatinaMermaidLatinaMermaid
    edited January 2007
    LOL
  • SimonthepilgrimSimonthepilgrim Veteran
    edited January 2007
    Iawa wrote:
    Wow I thought the golden rule was, whoever pays the bills makes the rules. Hmmmm........

    :om:


    Your children aren't teenagers yet, then, I take it!
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