Generosity and selfishness
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
I have been reading about dana, which is one of the perfections, and I was discussing it with a learned psychologist friend of mine the other day. She came out with the reflection that people rarely give except when they can afford to do so - it is a rarity for people to give something when it means they have to give something up themselves, for example buying a new set of shoes for a homeless person when it means they won't be buying new shoes for themselves and they need them.
Of course people should still feel good about giving, but what does this mean for the nature of true giving? Does it mean that to truly plumb the depths of dana, to live it fully, one needs to live for a while totally in service to others? For some reason this feels like quite a resonant concept to me.
Interestingly my psychologist friend, who is from a strict Christian background, went on to talk about her mother, who despite hard times, 5 children and low wages always gave her tenth share to the church. Of course one has to question what motivated that, a fear of hell or truly an instinct of giving, but it is still an interesting point for comparison.
Comments
Your friend seems to have hit the nail on the head as far as the example you've given goes.
However, I'd suggest you're forgetting about the generosity a parent may display for a child, a son to a father or a friend to a friend.
For example, I commute 3 1/2 hours a day for work and pay quite substantial school fees so that my special needs daughter can attend a school that my wife and I think best suits her needs. My wife has chosen to only go back to work on the occasional weekend so that one of us can be there for her and our son.
Our motivation is love and wanting what we think is best for our kids.
Have we plumbed the depths of dana or is it just our obligation as parents?
In New York once, I heard the story of a young fellow who took an interest in spiritual life. Like many, he went through what I think of as the heroin-addict's approach: If one's good, two's better. Anyway, he decided he would join a monastic community and gave away all of his worldly goods, quit his job, and caught a bus to New Jersey where the community was located. He knocked on the door and told the monk who answered his story.
The first words out of the monk's mouth were: "Get a job."
From what I have heard the benefit of generosity is relative to how much you have. So if you have little then giving a small amount has great benefit.
'Service' is one of the stations (stages) in Sufism. It follows internal comprehensions.
In Buddhism, generosity means to give freely to others as to oneself. All are equal.
It's hard to do that with an empty stomach though. Letting yourself go without while giving to others is still playing into the us and "them" game even if the tables are turned.
I'd be more interested in how the church spends her money and what kind of car the pastor drives.
There is compassion tempered with wisdom and there are suckers.
Absolutely. That gives the nod in the direction of skilful giving - are you doing a drug addict any favours by giving them money, or should you be giving them some clothes or a sleeping bag?
And surely giving to the needy is better than giving blindly to anybody, and arguably the church is not very needy. But then if you are giving to those who are expected to be grateful for it, does that mean that that emotion is your 'payment'? That your generosity has become a trade?
It's an interesting balancing act, the stance and reasoning from which one can do giving generously.
There is a lot of need out there, but I am not always able or willing to respond as I might like to. I do the best I can, and try not to beat myself up when I can't give any more.
Well, there's that old saying "give til it hurts".
I stop just slightly shy of that or go with my stand by and try to follow the path of least forseen harm. That is, if you are suffering more from the cold than I am, I will give the shirt off my back and hope you return the favour once you warm up a bit. I will gladly give my last dollar if tomorrow is pay day but if it's two days away I'd have to weigh it out.
This is a difficult topic because when it comes down to it, every moment we could give something away, but we all have to discern what is "worthy" of getting anything from us. I try to keep things more local that have a tangible effect. Giving $10 to the Red Cross via text message when there is a disaster isn't very tangible. Look at what happened in Haiti, where almost a billion dollars was donated and the tangible assistance given to the people did virtually nothing. What did they do with all that money? I don't trust many charities at all.
I just try to watch for opportunities. Every holiday season, we choose a family in town and do a secret santa thing for them. Because we live in a small town I can always find someone who knows them, and knows what they need or want. Or I watch for cues in our local swap and sell FB pages. We help support local businesses and donate to lots of local gofundme pages for families with medical problems. My hubby is a photographer and donates expensive prints to silent auctions. But sometimes the gift is in showing up with a hug rather than money.
I sometimes give more than I feel ok giving. But we aren't threatened financially and I feel much better sharing than I feel hoarding money thinking I can have thousands in the bank but questioning if I can afford to give $20. And I try hard to give without expectation. I find that much easier to do with money rather than time or effort. I find, honestly, that the more I give, the more I get back. Whether in friendships, favors or even money. Not from the same people I gave to, but just in general. It's funny how it works out.
I also agree with @Bunks, there is a lot more to it than giving a homeless person $5, a meal, new shoes or a blanket, too. Giving of time and effort is still generosity and it can be the hardest part TO give because we all have limited time. We (people in general, not talking about myself) give to our parents, to our children, to our communities. We help neighbors shovel their driveways and bring them hot dish when someone had a baby. We babysit for free for a single mom who has to work a double shift, we take an elderly person shopping or take time to sit with them. Those can be the most meaningful ways of offer ourselves in service to others. Go sit with someone in a nursing home for a few hours. I bet the value to you both will be far greater than texting $10 to a charity that'll just misuse the money.
Tee Hee.
Well said.
I used to jokingly berate my teacher for having five bikes and therefore being a materialist. I don't really need two iPads or many other indulgences ...
We tend to treat ourselves far too favourably and others far too judgementally. Maybe that is just me.
Part of training in Sufism is treating others with great generosity and ourselves as a beggar not worthy of our consideration and time ...
I don't have much in material goods to give away, although when my heart is prompted I do give (relatively) generously. However, in terms of giving, this is a very base and superficial thing. What I am able to give is my time, my patience, my empathy, my compassion, my kindness, my encouragement, my support, my listening, my concern, my passion, my ideas... and so on. I can give all these things freely, and to a large degree I do. It brings others happiness and it brings me happiness, and I feel these things have much more value than material things do. And I say that even with regards someone like a homeless man. It might seem like the thing they want most of all is some money or some thing, but in my experience, the thing that means most to them is to just say hello, ask their name, have a conversation with them. I think if humanity trumps money at even this level then it provides a keen insight into just how backwards our societies are.
The hungry need food of many kinds. As many of us have more than we need almost always we can give to our fellow pilgrims. Their path is often hard and exhausting. Can you hear their cry for justice/mercy?
Perhaps it is wise not to overthink these things. I often spend time with those with mental health conditions, and they are usually happiest with a sympathetic ear to hear their troubles, that is generosity too.
I will try and find time to feel more generous while I am doing these things, I am starting to realise it matters from what part of your emotions you live when you engage in these activities.
Giving can be considered a method or a way to decrease selfishness and conceit. It is no surprise meditation can also be an act of giving when you consider that in meditation we learn to not follow the inner voices that arise out of greed, hate, or delusions. Not to say all meditation are the same.
I have been working as a mental health counselor for 2.5 years now. I have learned that there is a lot of bullshit and coldness among mental health workers. They do not understand what these people actually need, which is kindness and authentic human interaction, both of which they have sorely lacked their entire life, which had likely led to their condition. There is a limit, of course, because some of these people will suck you dry if you let them. But I make a point of treating them like a fellow human being, who is sharing in the same suffering as I am.
I have had my own struggles with mental health this year, which I have documented on this board. It was eye opening. It definitely reduced my (subconscious) distinction between us (normal people) and them (the mentally ill).