Envious.. so so envious
Mingle
Veteran
Envy must be my middle name by now. Its been almost 6 years that I have been alone. In my youth too, it doesn't get any easier from here out. I can be happy, I am happy infact most of the time but lonliness will always be the dark side that lurks out if sight never to be hit by the sun.
I have a large family with many brothers but I have always felt like the runt of the litter and I have seen them all flourish in there success with the opposite sex but none more than my first younger brother. He has always been the one that has never needed a personality because he's been blessed with looks. He is no stranger to being cat called by girls calling him "the most beautiful man I've ever seen". Women just love him and I hate that so much as it just leaves me to compare myself to him and wonder whats wrong with ME. I have poor social skills even though mine our probably better than his but it doesn't matter he doesn't need em.
Life is unfair for sure but I thought there was a glamour of hope when he lost his hair, BEFORE me. He looked ten years older, all of a sudden things weren't going so well for him and I'm not gonna lie, I was happy about this. I was hitting the gym and really looking after myself and it finnaly felt like perhaps I might be the better looking one for a change but then he got this wig thing stuck on his head.
Suddenly the old him returned, an all to familier feeling of jealousy hit me. Now he is getting thw same attention as before with a massive head to go with it.
He tells me all the stories of how his dates go and I do try to pat him on the back with a smile but deep down I curse him. He was down and out but all he did was glue some hair to his head and all of a sudden he's Jack the lad again. Can you imagine how that would make my blood boil? Now every time he mentions a girl or I see him constantly fiddling with his fake hair it just reminds me of the shallowness of it all. I can already feel it getting to me, I live with him and work with him but he's getting insufferable to be around so I'm becoming a grumpy shit around him. The envy is strong within me.
Comments
Iam bald too, and girls just love me, I glueed some gras on my skull, its growing again and its green
You dont need to be the prettiest guy in the street to get a nice girl.
What matters is how you treat people around you, if you are walking around with a grim and angry face because your brother is prettier, you will absolutly get what you deserve and thats nothing.
If you dont have the look you defently need to learn some dharma skills
How old are you guys? Depending on that, if he's been dating all these years but hasn't found a long term relationship, is he really someone to be jealous of? I'd rather create a meaningful relationship with myself than a bunch of quick dates that don't develop into anything.
It's easy to think someone else's life is perfect because they have the good lucks or the perfect sense of humor or the money. But everyone has problems. Every single one of us. All you can do is water your own grass and pull your own weeds.
How did he manage to do that? Just asking cuz in the future it may come in handy. Thanks.
Its quite a new thing I think. I can't remember the name of it so I guess I'm not that much help. You basically have a hair piece glued to your head and you keep it on 24/7. You can wash it in the shower, style it and treat it like normal hair. The downside is that you have to get it replaced every couple of months for around £300. I told him for that price I'd rather save it all up and get a hair transplant.
Now there is a good indication that he is as "attached" to his 'good looks' as you are. He is vain. He supposes that he can look attractive, as long as he has hair.
His looks will fade. And the day will come when he can indeed, no longer afford or sustain his expense. The money may well need to be channelled elsewhere. And surely, he;s attracting girls under false pretence? What's going to happen when he gets really serious with a girl, with a view to settling down, having a family - and suddenly, he has to reveal to her that his lustrous locks are actually glued on, and he's as bald as a coot?
The important thing is to eat well, exercise as much as you think you need or want - and be true to yourself.
I would by far prefer a person who's genuine, and dispenses with the need to maintain a false image, than one who is so hell-bent on 'lookin' gooood!' that his personality is focused entirely on how he appears to others.
This jealousy is eating you up.
Rather than focus your animosity towards your brother, and be envious of his apparent luck, you need to realise how damaging such emotions are to you.
Don't embitter yourself by envying something that is temporary.
Fortunately for us, the world presents us with only two kinds of problems. There are problems that we can't solve. There is no need to worry about these problems. We can't solve them anyway, so there is nothing to be gained by worrying about them. And there are problems that we can solve. There is no need to worry about these problems. We simply solve them instead of worrying about them.
If your brother has problems with vanity, shallow relationships, aging and deteriorating appearance, unsustainable grooming habits causing expensive anxiety, there is no need for you to worry about these problems.
Bald guys are sexy. Don't assume you know what every woman wants and likes.
Just sayin' ....
Practice on your confidence and social skills. Work on you instead of spending so much energy tearing him down.
It sure is. I was adopted and have four brothers that I have never met. You were lucky!
My old boss use to say that his bald pate was a solar-panel for a sex-god.
In Buddhism, envy is said to be the far-enemy of selfless joy (mudita). It's a mindset in which we can look at someone who is experiencing fortunate circumstances and think: "May your happiness and good fortune continue. May it increase forever, and never decrease."
Mudita is one of the four brahmaviharas -- literally, "the dwelling-places of the gods." And it can certainly seem like you have to be some kind of God (with a capital "G") in order to be able to pull off such a state of mind, where you can re-orient yourself from the poignant pull of your own suffering and longing to the seemingly effortless happiness of others. How, exactly, do we walk the path from this petty, envious little mind that is conditioned by socially-sanctioned ways of thinking about the world to this mature, balanced, wise, "enlightened" mind in which we can feel happy for those who are doing well, perhaps better than we are? It's not easy, but it's much easier and more joyful than living in the Hell-realm of envy for the rest of our lives.
The first step is to realize you are not your envy. This is the characteristic of anatta (not-self). For one thing, you didn't choose to have this feeling. If you had your way, you would probably want not to feel this envy for your brothers. It hurts. It's painful and uncomfortable, and probably causes you to act in self-defeating ways like rumination or sniping or defeatism. This envy was an affliction. It was inflicted upon your mind-body complex by the inherent nature of being a human incarnation with a certain type of social conditioning living in a world characterized by limitation and inequity. If you can contact the wiser mind that can see the uselessness, the pain, the pettiness, the silliness of this small sense of self that is caught up in envy and hatred, you have contacted the You That Is Not Your Envy. This You is bigger than your envy, and can observe it, unscathed by its machinations and breathless, incessant operations.
Likewise, your brother was born into fortunate circumstances which he didn't choose, either. He didn't choose what genes he would be born with and which would be activated through epigenetics. He didn't choose to be born into a world in which good looks are prized in a certain way and come with certain benefits. He just was. Resenting him for what he didn't choose as if it is a personal slight against you is avijja (ignorance), which doesn't see the big picture, the truth of the way things are. Avijja personalizes a reality that isn't personal. It just is.
The second step to mudita is to recognize that feeling good for your brother doesn't diminish your own happiness and your own potential in life, whereas envy certainly does. In fact, if anything, having goodwill towards your brothers will not only unburden you of the pain associated with envy, but will allow you to nourish good feelings within yourself that will add to the quality of your life, giving you drive, and energy, and focus to conduct your life well. Envy is predicated on a sense of impoverishment or threat. Studies have shown that threat-based emotions like shame are implicated in behavioral (especially social) inhibition. You say you ave trouble in social settings. Your envy and the feelings associated with that envy will sabotage your social success if you hold on to them.
I will say that mudita feels amazing. It is probably one of the most beautiful feelings within the Buddhist life-path. I've sat meditation retreats focused on the brahmaviharas, and have seen people brought to tears of joy on the day we get to mudita practice. It's that powerful. Mudita transforms your experience of the world, from a fear-based one in which you are constantly defending yourself against the indignities suffered by other people's successes, to one in which there are limitless opportunities to feel joy and freedom. The contracted mind-state associated with hate (the opposite of metta/goodwill), vengefulness (the opposite of karuna/compassion), envy (the opposite of mudita), and lack of perspective (the opposite of upekkha/balance) cause us much suffering compared to their alternatives. Keep your eye on the alternative. Know that it's always available to you in any moment.
@Mingle
It is terrible that you choose to carry this immense burden.
Of greatest concern is that no solution is proposed.
I was especially troubled by the definition of a 'glimmer of hope' and the invitation to imagine how the scenario could make the blood boil.
The issue was raised in a previous post when your brother started losing his hair however it doesn't sound like your position has altered over time.
I would strongly recommend that you seek to examine and reconcile your challenges with your self-image as otherwise your current response is potentially destructive and counter-productive.
Consider seeking professional advice and to maintain a consistent programme to enable a lasting insight into your responses and alternative strategies for achieving your aims and maintaining fulfilling relationships.
At one extreme,there is feeling ill at ease with yourself and ill at ease with your brother's contentment.
Ergo at the other, there is contentment with yourself and sharing in your brother's contentment.
Practice, practice, practice.
I wish you all the best of luck.
My grandfather (and father) say "grass doesn't grow on a busy street" in reference to baldness.
@Mingle said: "Envy must be my middle name by now. Its been almost 6 years that I have been alone. In my youth too, it doesn't get any easier from here out. I can be happy, I am happy in fact most of the time but loneliness will always be the dark side that lurks out if sight never to be hit by the sun."
Believe it or not, some have been alone even longer than you. At least I know they're out there - some handling it well, others not, etc.
Both @Zero and @Glow had some awesome things to say about your attitude and situation. Others have said it close enough to what goes through my mind about it, and that is I wonder just how closely you've examined what all "it" is that he has that you envy. The Buddha said something like, with our thoughts we create our world, right?
I ran across this saying that I thought might be apropos:
"There's nothing like doing what you love to attract the people you need."
~Robin Crow
Thanks for the posts. Its amazing how blind envy makes us. Well not blind but it's like having a very narrow view of the world based on our dark ideologues.