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How to stop receiving pain

DeepDeep Portland, Maine New

There is someone in my life who is stubbornly sticking to a role as a great inflictor of pain. I have tried shutting him out, but for some reason rejecting him caused me pain and guilt. When I invite him back in though he continues to shoot arrows of pain. I have tried loving kindness, but every time I show him that he then ups the ante to prove me wrong - that he is not worthy of love, that I should not forgive because he continues what he does, and that I should not show him my pain for he will take direct aim at it. He invited me to have an affair with him while his wife was out of town, this was after I had brought up (and forgiven) his own cheating when he and I were together (it has been years). This latest invitation to cheat is just yet another arrow that he sends to me, to her and to himself (which I kindly told him I could not accept) and yet, inside of me, I feel as though I have been hit. I am saddened to see him cling so desperately to his own misery. I now understand that telling him about my hurt only gives him a better target at which to aim, so I will no longer give him this. Still, it is hard for me not to suffer, because he has as much beauty inside of him as he has suffering - both are enormous. This is a person who has in many ways led to my awakening. I am grateful to him for this. I wish I could return in some capacity what has been given... every time I try to send love and compassion he responds by inflicting pain.
I know he is suffering, is it possible to strike a balance where I am able to protect myself from his arrows and his draining of my energy, without having to cut off all contact?

Comments

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator

    @Deep I sent you a PM.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator
    edited January 8

    Just to hit home with something that hopefully may give you pause to consider what is happening here, I'm going to now reply to your initial poat piecemeal.

    However, I will advise you now: This is going to be a dose of 'tough Love' and may seem harsh, cold and heartless.
    Please believe me when I tell you, hand on heart, I speak with love and Compassion. It may not seem like that, but I promise you, it is.

    @Deep said:
    There is someone in my life who is stubbornly sticking to a role as a great inflictor of pain. I have tried shutting him out, but for some reason rejecting him caused me pain and guilt.

    You need to get it through your head that he is not the one inflicting pain. You are. He only needs to demonstrate that he wants you, and you fall back into the trap of believing he really wants you, when all he is dong is satisfying a need of his own ego, to gratify his wishes. The reason you feel pain and guilt is because you have become victim to his control, and have abdicated responsibility for your own willpower, to him.

    When I invite him back in though he continues to shoot arrows of pain.

    He doesn't 'continue' to do anything.
    You leave yourself open to it and give him permission to do so. The pain is at your feet to control.

    I have tried loving kindness, but every time I show him that he then ups the ante to prove me wrong - that he is not worthy of love, that I should not forgive because he continues what he does, and that I should not show him my pain for he will take direct aim at it.

    Ah, more manipulation. Playing the poor weak, helpless loving puppy. He protests he is not worthy of your love, and plays the 'sob-story' card and you fall for it every time. he then treats you with contempt. How manipulative is THAT - ?!

    He invited me to have an affair with him while his wife was out of town, this was after I had brought up (and forgiven) his own cheating when he and I were together (it has been years).

    Two wrongs don't make a right, or provide any excuses. You should have known then he was a player and a cheat, and they do not change their spots. He cheated on you, now he is betraying his wife and cheating WITH you. It was extremely reckless, foolish and thoughtless to accept his invitation. This is a mess of your own making....

    This latest invitation to cheat is just yet another arrow that he sends to me, to her and to himself (which I kindly told him I could not accept) and yet, inside of me, I feel as though I have been hit.

    I presume you are intending to decline the invitation and tell him to go and jump in the lake, both feet first, preferably with a brick tied to them (metaphorically speaking)...? Let's not get so ridiculous that you actually consider going to have sex with him again? You realise you are as guilty of hurting his wife as he is?

    I am saddened to see him cling so desperately to his own misery.

    Oh don't feel sorry for him! He has everything his way, two women to get into bed with, all his home needs met, and a bit on the side who comes running the moment he pleads 'poor me!' He's not really in the slightest bit miserable. But ,et me tell you that if he is - it's his own stuopid fault he couldn't keep it in his trousers back then, and still can't do so now.

    I now understand that telling him about my hurt only gives him a better target at which to aim, so I will no longer give him this.

    Good, that's a step in the right direction...

    Still, it is hard for me not to suffer, because he has as much beauty inside of him as he has suffering - both are enormous.

    Oh twaddle. Any beauty he has is masked by his repeated cheating and betrayal of both you, in the past, and his wife, now. Have you told him to come clean with her? How would she react if she knew he was messing around with you? How does that make him 'beautiful'?
    Believe me, beauty is only skin deep. he's lucky if it actually goes that far with him.

    This is a person who has in many ways led to my awakening. I am grateful to him for this.

    In my opinion your eyes are clouded by longing and this is not 'awakening', it is clean-cut, crystal-clear delusion....

    I wish I could return in some capacity what has been given... every time I try to send love and compassion he responds by inflicting pain.

    He's playing one-man ping-pong with you. Using you like a yo-yo. Push-pull, push-pull, push-pull. The words you are looking for are 'This Needs To Stop Right NOW.

    I know he is suffering, is it possible to strike a balance where I am able to protect myself from his arrows and his draining of my energy, without having to cut off all contact?

    Who cares if he is suffering?! It's ALL self-inflicted, just as yours is! Quit what you're doing, be responsible, look to your conscience and make your actions more easy to stick to than your emotional desires! Read the Guide I sent you. That is what you need to do, 100%, without fail, no question.

    Tiggersatcittananda
  • DeepDeep Portland, Maine New

    Thank you grackle - you're correct. I did not fall for it, I felt insulted... it is this feeling that I want to make peace with. I see his actions for what they are, still I am taking his actions personally - which I know I shouldn't.
    I did have a period where I was not in contact, and it allowed me to be fooled into thinking he had changed, and to forget how much pain he delivers. I have received limited apologies and certain closure through low contact. Low contact has allowed me to detach because I practice objectively observing his behaviour. And I would say this is what works best for me. I want to no longer feel the prick of the arrows that he sends me, but I want to see them flying through the air, and perhaps land at my feet... Is this too much to ask?

  • JaySonJaySon Gulf Breeze, Florida Veteran

    Abandon ship.

    Tigger
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator

    While you maintain any form of contact, yes. It IS too much to ask. You will find no peace of mind or heart, if the things you think of doing are different to the things you do.

    Tigger
  • DeepDeep Portland, Maine New

    if the things you think of doing are different to the things you do.

    @federica I am not sure what you mean by this

  • DeepDeep Portland, Maine New

    @federica thanks for the advice, however if you read my post correctly I turned down his offer for an affair. I didn't tell him to jump in the lake, but rather than I was looking for a man who had more to give me than he did.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator
    edited January 8

    You still had an affair with him, albeit an emotional one which is as bad, if not worse because nothing gets gratified or satisfied. There is no satisfactory benefit, in any temporary sense, it's ALL heartbreak. Connecting with him at all was your biggest mistake.

    You will find no peace of mind or heart, if the things you think of doing are different to the things you do.

    If you want to break off this constant to-ing and fro-ing of your heart, there can be no half-measured actions. You absolutely have to delete all and any means of being able to contact him, or he, you.

    THIS may be of interest.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator

    And THIS too. It sounds, from what you have described - that he fits the profile....

  • DeepDeep Portland, Maine New

    I'm sorry @federica but you are making many false assumptions. I was considering trying to clarify certain things but I believe you have decided you wanted to label this as something you are familiar with and have THE single solutions to. Time to abandon ship - I don't think I'm being heard.

  • JaySonJaySon Gulf Breeze, Florida Veteran

    Bottom line: he's a twin flame, not a soul mate. Cut all ties with him and be free.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator

    @Deep said:
    I'm sorry @federica but you are making many false assumptions. I was considering trying to clarify certain things but I believe you have decided you wanted to label this as something you are familiar with and have THE single solutions to. Time to abandon ship - I don't think I'm being heard.

    On the contrary, I hear you loud and clear, @Deep and please believe me, I really do understand what you're going though. How about I give you a link to the relationships website I used to frequent? You'll receive very much a similar kind of response, the reasons being that this is tragically nothing new or unusual.
    I know you believe me to be presumptuous and not hearing you, but that is simply not the case. I am too familiar with this kind of incident to be flippant.
    I used to work in a Relationships Counselling organisation and we saw it there every day, too
    It's heartbreaking to both experience and to witness.

  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    @Deep said:
    Time to abandon ship - I don't think I'm being heard.

    You are being heard. <3

    You wish to hear something different? What advice would you like? How would you objectively advise someone in your situation?

  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran

    Hi @Deep.

    What @federica has written may sound harsh but based on what you wrote I am not sure what other straight forward advice she could give you?

    She gave me some relationship advice a few months ago which seemed harsh at the time but, upon reflection a day or two later, was correct.

    I'd advise you give it a little time to sink in and let the ego subside a bit and see how you feel.

    Good luck - hopefully you can put this painful episode behind you sooner rather than later!

    lobsterpersonDavid
  • silversilver In the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded. USA, Left coast. Veteran

    Hey @Deep, I'm just curious.
    What are you doing on a Buddhist type forum if
    you don't understand what the 'clinging' thing
    is all about?

    You cling and it's plain as the nose on your face
    and ours. Good luck and study about Buddha.
    Read biography Old Path White Clouds
    if you want to learn and enjoy learning basics.

    Be well and best wishes to you.

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    He loves me..."Desire"

    He loves me not... "Aversion"

    He loves me.... "Desire"

    He loves me not... "Aversion"

    This is a person who has in many ways led to my awakening

    @Deep
    Do you mean that you are waking up to the fact he is just using you ???

    It sounds like you have become an emotional puppet and he is the puppeteer pulling all your strings ...

    It might pay to further your studies by looking a little deeper into "Tanha" "Craving" "Desire" "Aversion" the glue that helps to hold the sense of self together, that is the Skandhas "The Five Aggregates" (The stronger the cravings-the stronger the sense of self presents itself)

    Also the wise words of Pema Chodron may shed some light on your situation...

    May all parties involved find peace of mind.....Metta :)

    lobsterTigger
  • dhammachickdhammachick crazy Aussie gal Sydney, Australia Veteran

    You will never find peace while connected to him. I find it unskillful to stay friendly with an ex. My personal experience says it's called a break up because it's broken.

    Move forward
    _ /\ _

    Tigger
  • TiggerTigger Toronto, Canada Veteran

    One should associate with the wise, not the foolish. It would be better to live alone if we cannot find good friends as there is no companionship with the foolish

  • upekkaupekka Veteran
    edited January 9

    @Deep said:
    I was looking for a man who had more to give me than he did.

    a recipe for disaster

  • ZeroZero Veteran

    @Deep said:
    I want to no longer feel the prick of the arrows that he sends me, but I want to see them flying through the air, and perhaps land at my feet... Is this too much to ask?

    I imagine irl, I would be frightened if I saw a hail of arrows flying through the air towards me - small mercy that they land at the feet - surely it would be preferable not to be shot at.

    Tigger
  • just_sojust_so Explorer

    @Deep

    I believe you are at a critical stage in your spiritual development where the effects of attachment need to be more obvious so you can move on. When someone like this enters your life, it’s usually a wake-up call of some kind. In hindsight, this person is a gift to you. As Robert Pirsig wrote, the Truth has been knocking at your door but you keep telling it to go away because you’re busy trying to find the Truth. Well, it’s knocking pretty hard now. Time to answer.

    It is critical that you work diligently to understand what it is you seek from this person (and others) and why. When you think you know, think more. And then keep thinking and thinking. Go back as far as you can until you really get it. When you do get it, a real feeling of freedom will come over you. And you will begin to know what loving-kindness really means. If you don’t do it, you will simply move on to someone else who is just like him and the suffering will go on and on and on.

    Speaking of loving-kindness, in the Buddhist context, that’s not typically something you characterize as ‘trying to show him,’ so I would research what that really means. Then spend considerable time practicing it, focusing initially on loving-kindness for yourself. Leave him out of it for now.

  • Steve_BSteve_B Far southwest corner of Indiana, USA Veteran

    just_so, that was a nice answer, but too late. I doubt we'll see Deep back here at all, after this introductory thread. If she were still here, I'd answer:

    @Deep said:
    This is a person who has in many ways led to my awakening. I am grateful to him for this. I wish I could return in some capacity what has been given... every time I try to send love and compassion he responds by inflicting pain.
    I know he is suffering, is it possible to strike a balance where I am able to protect myself from his arrows and his draining of my energy, without having to cut off all contact?

    This is a very, very tough one, because it involves love. You have received, love, received beauty, awakening, and now continued attention. But you're not who you were then. In Buddhism we have a story about a long journey that involves crossing a river, then continuing on at the other side through the forest and eventually up the mountain. We need a raft to cross the river. But later, it is not essential, it is a hindrance. It got us here, but it won't get us any farther, and we must move on without it, beautiful though it is.

    Yes, you can reach a point where you can be in contact. But it won't be close contact any more, because you have already started to move on. This is a journey you must complete. Going back is not a journey, and not really possible. The type of contact he craves is already impossible.

    Treasure the memories.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Somewhere in the UK, Central-Southern.... Moderator

    WEll, guys, I dunno if @Deep is going to return to the thread, so while we all meant well, it seems we either scared her off with our relatively unanimous views, or we just didn't put things the way she would have liked to hear.

    Thanks for all contributions.
    @Deep, the thread is absolutely a candidate for re-opening should you so decide to return and respond. Jut drop me a PM. :)

This discussion has been closed.