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Finally after 2 years I feel my practice is beginning to justify itself. I feel like meditation is starting to show some merit.
I have just had a great session. My mind just seemed to go silent in anticipation of something. What started off as a swarm of thoughts just turned into the odd one just flutter by. It was like all the meaning I gave everything just disappeared then everything was meaningless. Life was no more then my gentle breathing out and the random noises in the background. All I felt was just consciousness and everything else just seemed arbitrary.
I know for you guys this is just stating the obvious but to me there is knowing something because you have been told it and then really knowing something because you have experienced it.
I also think I understand rebirth better now too and that It has nothing to do with any afterlife. It is infact a metaphor for our constantly changing perspective on things. We conjure up this idea of us and give ourselves this backstory and call it "me" but all we are is an on going process that can never be frozen and labelled "I". Its not as simple as "Hi my name is Fred and I like this and I don't like this" in fact all our old habits are constantly dying and new ones are forming.
I will use my rack of cd's as an analogy. I have collected many over the years. Some I listen to some just gather dust. If someone wanted to know what music I like they might look at my cd's and believe that they know my taste but I find this silly, because to me you only really like what you like right NOW. I have many Cd's that I used to love but cannot stand now. Today I like rock but tomorrow I may like Jazz then those rock cd's will no longer be what I'm into. One day I might like rock again but it wont be the same as I will simply be falling in love with it again.
It is just a constant change with music and so it is with ourselves. Like the cd rack we define ourselves by all that we have ever liked, disliked and done but yet it is just an illusion that we have conjured up. Even to remember our past is to do so with biases formed by our current perspective. We our now, if we meet someone new they will define us as what they see now. We are constantly dying and being reborn. The me that started writing this is gone and by the time I finish I will be a new version of myself. We cannot be pinned down.