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Thank you so much for your very long and deeply insightful response to my cry for help. It brought tears to my eyes. You really do get what is going on in my head. I'm surprised many people, strangers included have told me to just stop. That I'm broken because I'm compassionate at all. My therapist included. Even a few other Buddhists so I began to believe it is indeed me.
I really felt the warmth from your post. Thank you again.
You are so welcome :). The fact that you are reaching out and want to do something about it shows that you are not broken at all, it shows how much potential you have for growth, compassion and joy in the long run *gentle hugs to you*. People who may not have suffered as deeply, cannot understand how impossible it is in those moments to have compassion for anyone, and all the swirling heavy, toxic emotions that come with it, but I do feel that these are the experiences that really develop the deepest compassion and insight of all. Take time for yourself and take care of yourself :). You don't have to be anything for anyone :).
In the trauma therapy I do, Somatic Experiencing, the psychologist who came up with the approach calls the recovery from trauma and tragedy 'the hero's journey', and I really see that you have so much wonderful potential for your 'hero's journey' - just thought I would say.
Please let me know if you need anything or if you ever want to talk, I'm not sure how much I can help, but my heart is always open to you.