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lookingforlight New


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  • Heart Failure to Buddhism

    Hi everyone.

    I'm 34 years old and have gone through some serious strain the last 10 months.

    Back in October I went for some routine open heart surgery. I had a dilated aorta and it had to be fixed, the process to the surgeon was routine, and all throughout the surgery there were no issues, and everything seemed perfectly fine. Then it happens, upon trying to restart my heart at the end of the operation, it failed, it simply wouldn't restart. The next day they tried a double bypass, but it didn't work at by this time the left side of my heart had failed...permanently. on the 3 day, they decided to put an LVAD in, its basically a pump installed directly into the heart with a wire coming out my rib cage and into a controller i carry around my waist. This left me in a coma, well a propfol induced coma for 3 months in which time my lungs also failed, but recovered. I died twice, and saw and remember nothing of "death". its nothing but a memory that isn't there. Imagine trying to remember being in the womb...the memory is just...nothing.

    After a month in recovery I am now home, but live everyday like its my last, as it could be, as until I get a transplant, they don't know how long the LVAD will sustain me.

    Anyway, while in hospital I read books from the Dalai Lama, and Buddhism in general. But now, I seem a little lost. What state does having an implant keeping me alive place me? am I unnatural? Should I have died a natural death? I found Buddhism, but now feel lost and even more confused than before i found a religion.

    I have signed up for mediation lessons at a local Theravada (Tibetan?) temple in my city and have requested to meet with the resident monk as I want to talk about my experience one on one and gain some, or his insight. is this a good start?

    Any other suggestions how I begin to walk this path? I fear my time is coming sooner than later due to my health, and would therefore like to make the most of the time I have enjoying with my wife, and Buddhism, although isn't being married a form of indulgence that I should let go off?

    Thank you for letting me ramble