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Am I wrong here? :)
Hello,
I am nearly married to my girlfriend. Out of the blue she had to leave town with her mom to attend and support her mom through a funeral. She has not seen this family in over 13 years. I completely was supportive. A problem with me developed. When she is out of town- I feel like I disappear off the face of the planet. She doesn't call to say hello or barely talks. When she is at home she is completely attentive and always there. I believe the problems started when a few days back, she said that she was so excited to see a guy cousin who was 4 years younger than her. Not a problem. But, that night she didn't call at all. Come to find out the next night - she met up with alot of the people (cousins- I assume) at the funeral and they all went to a bar. For some reason, that makes me extremely uncomfortable. then again- where are they all supposed to meet up for talking - A target?
I simply told her that it bothers me that she doesn't call or doesn't care to call. I also told her that I understand that she is busy. But, you cannot find 15 minutes to talk. It hurts my feelings.
Now- she called me yesterday and is extending the trip to Sunday instead of coming home today as planned. She said that she will not see these folks in ten more years. I understand that and agree. I guess its all the previous stuff adding up and my anger and frustration is starting to make me look like the bad guy here. I'm trying to support her so much. But, it's hard clouded with my frustration and hurt. Guys and gals- am I wrong here? If so, I would like to grow and change for the bettter. Otherwise, I would like to hear any opinions? This situation is making me look so bad in her eyes and that clouds my hurt combined with my love.
Thanks so much,
Joseph
I am nearly married to my girlfriend. Out of the blue she had to leave town with her mom to attend and support her mom through a funeral. She has not seen this family in over 13 years. I completely was supportive. A problem with me developed. When she is out of town- I feel like I disappear off the face of the planet. She doesn't call to say hello or barely talks. When she is at home she is completely attentive and always there. I believe the problems started when a few days back, she said that she was so excited to see a guy cousin who was 4 years younger than her. Not a problem. But, that night she didn't call at all. Come to find out the next night - she met up with alot of the people (cousins- I assume) at the funeral and they all went to a bar. For some reason, that makes me extremely uncomfortable. then again- where are they all supposed to meet up for talking - A target?
I simply told her that it bothers me that she doesn't call or doesn't care to call. I also told her that I understand that she is busy. But, you cannot find 15 minutes to talk. It hurts my feelings.Now- she called me yesterday and is extending the trip to Sunday instead of coming home today as planned. She said that she will not see these folks in ten more years. I understand that and agree. I guess its all the previous stuff adding up and my anger and frustration is starting to make me look like the bad guy here. I'm trying to support her so much. But, it's hard clouded with my frustration and hurt. Guys and gals- am I wrong here? If so, I would like to grow and change for the bettter. Otherwise, I would like to hear any opinions? This situation is making me look so bad in her eyes and that clouds my hurt combined with my love.
Thanks so much,
Joseph
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Comments
or, you know her better than she knows herself and you already know the outcomes.
In any case, you can't be the center of attention all the time. Are you wrong about what, again? Wrong to worry, wrong to be in each others pockets, wrong not to call, what?
Not knowing and knowing too much, both burdensome, I know that much.
I can hear all of your concern arising from the unexpected journey she went on. I wonder where the feelings are coming from? I would not say that you are 'wrong' in feeling these feelings, but I do see them as something she could not help you with by changing her actions. Rather, it would be better for you to look inside and quell whatever thoughts are leading toward the paranoia.
If you let go of the "This is about Joseph" aspect of your fiancée's trip, then you might see other things are happening for her. She is meeting up with old family, working through grief, perhaps some 'getting back to her roots'. Don't you wish for her happiness, steadfast development, and peace? Do you wish that she has a good time?
My advice is to let go. Look inward at what insecurities are being discovered through her journey, and deal with them directly. When family dies, it initiates countless reactions in the people surrounding the death. Your role should be closer to "I love you, is there anything you need?" Anything short of that... such as anything "Joseph" related... should be kept off her plate until she has had time to digest and heal.
It sounds like you feel your intimacy with her is being threatened by her journey... why do you think that might be? What are you so afraid of?
With warmth,
Matt
As in "engaged, soon to be married" or "feel that I can't live without her"?
If it's the former, congrats.
If it's the latter, you might want to investigate why it is so, as aMatt said.
I just want to say thank you for your words of wisdom. They are so true and really revolve around love. I cannot tell you how much they went to my mind and heart. I have been very selfish and insecure. I have already beat myself up about it and have moved on!
Once again- thank you so so much for such a intelligent and honest look at this.
Todd
You're welcome. Also, I don't think you were 'wrong'... only that your painful emotions and thoughts were leading you to think and act 'self'ishly. Happens to almost all of us.
If the fear that drove those thoughts persists, you could talk to her about it... when she's back to full strength, of course. Fears that remain in a union tend to undermine the intimacy, so don't suppress them forever.
With warmth,
Matt
I have alot of things to work out. The good thing is that I am willing to do so. It sure took awhile for the Buddha to ponder this world and grow. looks like I need to grow more.
I don't know where the seed of mis-trust and jealousy have been planted. I truly want to cultivate soil that is free of these weeds. I want to completely let go and just trust the water that i'm falling into. I want to trust. I'ts so hard to know that there is a world where so many men are coming at her. This is probably related to something that happened to her that I can't discuss.
All of this boils down to one thing. Attachment. Mainly FEAR. Fear of losing her. Fear of not being with her to we are old. Fear of losing her to another man. These thoughts are illusions and I need to cultivate an inner happiness anyway. If I did lose her- If I lost her to another man- I should be sad - wish for her happiness and move on and find joy. Nothing is permanent. I'm attached way too much. I just love her. I have let her go and I'm free as well
Thank you for your wise words.
Wow.
Oh my goodness. Skotown? what are talking about. I actually am not even understanding you. Yes- I love my girlfriend. Yes - I do trust her. I was simply saying that it would be courteous just to call a few times to make sure that she is okay.I'ts called love. By the way- Damaged good- Oh my goodness. How old are you? 12. I'm not trying to flame anything. But, your comments were absolute rubbish. Devoid of love. And starved of meaning. Thanks for the time and compassion you put into helping me to work through a problem
Let's consider this case closed!
Forget it.
he's a simpleton. (for want of a better word.... but I'm supposed to be a lady....)
I wish it wasn't like that for him. Hearts unfold with time I guess. I hope his does.
I lost her last night! She came home and was really upset. She grilled me about basically all the things that she doesn't like about me and how she didn't have it in her to fulfill my needs. Wow. She said that she just needed some time and I moved over to my apt last night with some trivial things to get through the night. I hope her life is a good one and I hope that she doesn't hurt. All I know. I"m hurting right now. Hurting right now. Hurting in this moment. I wish you all the best. Don't do as I have done. Love with a love that I was unable to give.
todd
May you be happy.
Thank you so much for your warmth. I am so happy for you guys. Sounds like you are in a loving relationship. That makes me happy
todd
I am really glad that I posted if since it helped you. I have been in a lot of relationships in my life, not that that makes me an expert, but consider me an old hippie. I learned what certain things mean.
It made you felt not loved because maybe you were not loved, unless feeling unloved is part of your nature. You intuition was working fine but it is hard to accept things when you are in love. My feeling is that she already felt a lack in the relationship for her, and when she got home she talked about it with whomever and got more support. This may have nothing to do with you or who you are. Just that perhaps you were not suited for each other. But if you feel it is your fault in any way, then I would just look at that and change.
But you will find someone who you love and who loves you in return.
I once had a boyfriend back in my Berkeley days who said that I was too clingy and needy, so I went out and got another boyfriend, after he said that I should, and then he saw that I was more interested in my new boyfriend than in him and wanted to get married. I said, "No."
May you be especially happy.
Wow- that is what she said last night to me. I have been going through an extremely hard time with so many things in my life. I guess I was a bit needy. Oh well. I was really good to her. I think the thing that summed it up for me to day. I didn't want to be 50 and look back and know that I made a mistake and didn't fight. I told her that I'm willing to learn, read books, get help or do anything to preserve our love. She was not conducive to this. That is where I quit. I know that no one is perfect. But, stick with the ones who are willing to grow and learn as a couple. I wish her well. I do love her so and it's killing me today. But, I wish her well.
todd
You really did the right thing in being so willing to work things out. That is really nice that you wish her well. You have a good heart.
This is SO TRUE.
Atticus, you have a good heart and outlook. I really truly hope you can remember that as you work through your grief.
I wish you all the best and much metta.
Namaste,
Raven
Everyone says we have to be content in ourselves. I agree with that. But, the joy and love of another human being walking this life together with is infinite. I stare at it now and nothing is staring back.
I hope that this pain goes away soon. I'm a 39 year old man and I just began to cry at my desk about 10 minutes ago. Wow. I have two little boys that are my best friends and they are relying on me. I will love them more through this. I have to.
Guys and gals, go home tonight and hug and listen to your loved one extra for me. Please.
todd
With respect, no you did not love her. If you loved her you wouldn't feel this kind of pain. I am not saying you would not experience a sense of loss, but what you are experiencing is not a loss of love, it is a loss of an ideal you cherished and derived pleasure from.
It's really easy to confuse love with a myriad of other things. Love does not seek anything for itself, love just gives. Loves wants only another to be happy. She has left you to pursue happiness. Love approves, even if she is making the biggest mistake of her life as it's a necessary mistake for her to make on the path to her own happiness.
I am not judging you rather I am pointing out that your words in your agony over why she wasn't calling and your words now that she has made her departure official do not indicate genuine love, but the loss of something you wanted.
You seem like a really good person so I hope you will be able to take this break between relationships to understand genuine love and develop it as best you can. It will do you and whomever you love a world of good.
In all due respect, I believe when you lose someone you love you feel very deep pain. I jalso don't feel that we can say that someone didn't love someone because we don't know his/her heart
We can't know another person's heart because it's just a hunk of unfeeling muscle in their chest
We can know their words, however.
-When she is out of town- I feel like I disappear off the face of the planet.
-she met up with alot of the people (cousins- I assume) at the funeral and they all went to a bar. For some reason, that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
-But, it's hard clouded with my frustration and hurt. Guys and gals- am I wrong here?
-I have been very selfish and insecure.
-I don't know where the seed of mis-trust and jealousy have been planted.
I could go on.
Bottom line is this is not love. Full stop.
I am not being judgmental or trying to tell Todd he is some messed up person. I am telling Todd he didn't love his girlfriend, he merely wanted what she made him feel when they were together. His experience of loss isn't the kind of loss that one feels when a loved one passes, it is a feeling of 'my wants/needs are no longer being fulfilled'.
That isn't love, it's desire and desire always leads to pain like this.
Here are some quotes about real love:
"Loving kindness has the capacity to bring happiness to others without demanding anything in return. " -Buddha
"This definition means that 'love' in Buddhism refers to something quite different from the ordinary term of love which is usually about attachment, more or less successful relationships and sex; all of which are rarely without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to de-tachment and the unselfish interest in others' welfare. " -Dali Lama
"Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful." (Luke 6:30-36)
Edited to add: Sorry, I posted this before you edited yours.
It is fine if you choose to do so, but it is not necessary. You can feel free to disagree with me without fear of my being nasty toward you.
I'm sorry for your loss, it sounds very painful over in your world in this moment. Your ample and obvious love for others (and her) will hopefully help your feelings of abandonment heal with time. In my opinion, if you notice your mind wandering into the past or into the future (such as indulging in past happy moments or fretting over your lost wedding plans) just acknowledge the pain that causes it, then bring yourself back into the present with some mindful breathing.
Also, I would consider jessaka's heartfelt words carefully, and leave username_5's dubiously aimed wisdom for another time.
Good luck friend,
Matt
Space is always an issue in relationships. One thing is fear of abandonment. Another is fear of smothering.
This issue will probably come up again in any relationship you have of intimate nature.
So it is a learning experience. And perhaps you can find a better fit for you later.
This is not a debate thread. This is actually a thread where someone is reaching out for help. I have no fears of someone being nasty to me. As a Buddhist I see no reason to get into this type of debate on this thread. Maybe not even on another.
That was my point, Jessaka. I am not looking to debate. I posted my thoughts and am comfortable with others agreeing or disagreeing.
Yes-I didn't mean for this to be a debate. Goodness gracious. I cannot describe to you what it feels like for someone to tell me this isn't true love. Do you know what's it like for 4 years to work through a serious problem for someone else (her) that really did damage to myself in this process. I sure as he#@ wasn't looking out for myself then- was I? Ridiculous.
Do- I want her to be happy? Of course I do.
Let me put this in an analogy for you. It's like watching the most beautiful bird in the world fly away to a BETTER place. I'm glad that bird is flying to a better place. But, I miss her company and her love. And I will continue to do so. I know all of the, "we have to be happy with ourself" stuff!:) But, She was special to me. Oh well- she is gone and I wish her the best.
I am so sorry this became so confusing. I'm just hurting.
Why don't ya try meditating? Start with metta....... You can also try Mindful breathing(Anapanasati) if you really need peace... I've experienced this kinda bliss... Though i've not been in any relationship before, I am sure it would work... It has for me when I am distressed(like when I get angry, or lose something very dear to me)... U will start seeing results by thee end of this week if u r earnest
Love And Light,
Nidish
Nidish,
That is a great idea. Atticus, start with Metta Meditation. I or anyone else here can tell you how it is done. It will really help you and others.
Is it because of what I said?
If so, perhaps ask yourself why what I said produced such feelings within you.
I didn't say anything with the intent of hurting your feelings or insulting you.
In no way do I think of you as a bad person.
username_5, be less quick to judge and claim to understand others' sentiments based on a few forum comments. There is a subtle difference between questioning and asserting truths you cannot know.