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totally stupid question about insecurity..
guys sorry if this isnt relevant but it kind of is for me cos its one of the reasons i got interested in buddhism.
if you are a very insecure paranoid person + things that people do hurt you all the time, little things like just not inviting you to places, then how do you convince yourself that that is someone else's problem + not yours? when all you ever do is beat yourself up further + end up in this vicious cycle of cause/effect = insecurity.
as i said sorry if its not relevant but the ideas of Buddhism could help with i think if i knew how to think differently.
if you are a very insecure paranoid person + things that people do hurt you all the time, little things like just not inviting you to places, then how do you convince yourself that that is someone else's problem + not yours? when all you ever do is beat yourself up further + end up in this vicious cycle of cause/effect = insecurity.
as i said sorry if its not relevant but the ideas of Buddhism could help with i think if i knew how to think differently.
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The reason why you are feeling so sensitive and so much pain from the small acts from others is also probably because you are too worried about what they think about you. This is really very much linked to your self-clinging or your strong emphasis on 'me' and protecting 'me'.
One of the ingredients for a happier life with more letting-go with the flow is trying to divert your attention to caring for others instead of just ourselves.
The cause of all sufferings is self-clinging and the cause of all happiness is bodhichitta and caring for others... if you want the result of happiness then you got to plant the corresponding cause.
Don't mind how others think of me, as long as they are happy. See, already alot of the problem can be solved. Try to change your perspective.
If you can, please listen to teachings by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche and especially Garchen Rinpoche. They are available on you-tube and the internet. They explain about how to lessen your self-clinging in great detail.
But this is a long process of reintegrating new values... so it may take a long time... be patient. But as long as you do it, you'd find that alot of things that bothered you in the past, much easier to let go.
Read also '37 Practices of Bodhisattvas", a text on mind-training... i am sure it would help you. It has helped me alot.
When I was younger,about 17 years old I would walk up to girls who I had never met and ask them straight up-Do ya fancy it?
When I ever I was told to go away(not necessarily that politely)I would inform them that THEIR loss was another girls gain.O.k I was an arrogant little sod.
My point is that perhaps you should look at it from a different angle.I never saw defeat when I was being rejected,just challenges to be met.
I am not telling you to become an arrogant twit like I was,but perhaps consider those who don't invite you places are losing out by not having your company.
it will be a long hard struggle to not think this way any more, its the only way i have ever known but it does ruin my life. i spend days worrying about it sometimes.
you guys are ace, thanks for not thinking this is a pointless thread. (there i go again) + thanks for the links i will definitely read them. dont think i have enough confidence to think their loss tho cos i dont think all that much of myself so dont blame them for not wanting to invite me.
If you can gain enough relaxation or relief from anxiety while you do the thought-counteracting or thought replacement, then that would be one way you could do this with a mindfulness approach.
If you can't do that, I would suggest going to a good CBT therapist.
Think of your ego as being like a young, insecure child. Your child is upset that some other kids didn't invite her to their party. Your child is upset because the other kids don't always include her in their conversations. Your child is insecure that if she speaks to the other children she may say something stupid so she doesn't speak to them and they don't speak to her.
What would you as a mother do for your little girl?
Do that for yourself
You know everyone is wierd and if you could take a look inside other peoples heads, whoo!... what you would find, and I'm not just talking about me and my dreams.
But anyway, we're not all things to all people and as much as I recognise your needs, I recognise the needs of everybody. In fact my closest friend always has something better to do that doesn't involve me, but invariably he somehow always comes a cropper on his adventures, pops in for a cuppa and tells me all about it, then goes away feeling better again.
Hey, you're only human. Even the monks and celebs and superstars sometimes fart in bed. hope that wasn't too over the top, but that's just me.
It's a big world: do you really think people spend all their time looking at you and judging you? Most people will just glance at you and maybe have a small thought about you and that's it. And that's a good thing. It means there no pressure there.
What about your kid? Doing what's best for your child is a billion times more important than what people think of you. Your child is way more important than your insecurities because she can't take care of herself.
Those were the things I told myself over and over again when I had similar issues. Hope that helps.
There are number of antidotes to your affliction.
The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. The important difference between you and most everyone else is that you recognize the difference. This is good - you are aware of your problem.
Being aware of the problem you are seeking ways to address that issue. This is excellent. You have the right motivation.
The only bit now is to develop the skills needed to apply the antidotes.
The best thing you could do, if following the Tibetan tradition, is attended a retreat dealing in the 'preliminary practices' or the 'seven point mind training' or any of the 'lam rim' courses. You might also like to look here - many of books are free. 'Become You Own Therapist' is a good staring point at its free.
But as other having point out - it is a matter of mind control. And much of that controlling of the mind begins with developing deep compassion for ALL sentient beings.
But you are on the path - blessings.
thanks for your help + encouragement all
Excerpt from "Taking the Leap", by Pema Chodrön
A few years ago, I was overwhelmed by deep anxiety, a fundamental, intense anxiety with no storyline attached. I felt very vulnerable, very afraid and raw. While I sat and breathed with it, relaxed into it, stayed with it, the terror did not abate. It was unrelenting after many days, and I didn't know what to do.
I went to see my teacher Dzigar Kongtrül, and he said, "Oh, I know that place." That was reassuring. He told me about times in his life when he had been caught in the same way. He said it had been an important part of his journey and had been a great teacher for him. Then he did something that shifted how I practice. He asked me to describe what I was experiencing. He asked me where I felt it. He asked me if it hurt physically and if it was hot or cold. He asked me to describe the quality of the sensation, as precisely as I could. This detailed exploration continued for a while, and then he brightened up and said "Ani Pema, that's the Dakini's Bliss. That's a high-level of spiritual bliss." I almost fell out of my chair. I thought, "Wow, this is great!" And I couldn't wait to feel that intensity again. And do you know what happened? When I eagerly sat down to practice, of course, since the resistance was gone, so was the anxiety.
I now know that at a nonverbal level the aversion to my experience had been very strong. I had been making the sensation bad. Basically, I just wanted it to go away. But when my teacher said "Dakini's bliss," it completely changed the way I looked at it. So that's what I learned: take an interest in your pain and your fear. Move closer, lean in, get curious; even for a moment, experience the feelings without labels, beyond being good or bad. Welcome them. Invite them. Do anything that helps melt the resistance.
Then the next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you are feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. That's basically the instruction that Dzigar Kongtrül gave me. And now I pass it on to you. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering - yours, mine, and that of all living beings.