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We All Have Perfectionistic Tendencies
AllbuddhaBound
Veteran
The whole thing about things being perfect, is that we all, at some time or other in our lives, strive for it. We always want to reach for the stars, be it for world peace or being rich. Being popular or beautiful. Being loved or being admired. Being the best Buddhist, or the meanest, nastiest scariest individual we can be. As long as we are striving for this perfection, we believe there is something lacking. It seems to be part of the human condition. Craving might best describe it.
We rarely set our goals at a level that make being who we are, or what we have good enough. We can be dissatisfied with life or the world the way it is, and in turn, we can be dissatisfied with our own inner world. Do things have to be perfect, or is there a place where we can go on and leave that craving behind? I believe that place is acceptance. Acceptance of self (with all of our imperfections) and acceptance of our world (again, with all of its imperfections).
Does this mean total pacifism is the goal? I would think not but then again, that is more of my perfectionistic thinking.
We rarely set our goals at a level that make being who we are, or what we have good enough. We can be dissatisfied with life or the world the way it is, and in turn, we can be dissatisfied with our own inner world. Do things have to be perfect, or is there a place where we can go on and leave that craving behind? I believe that place is acceptance. Acceptance of self (with all of our imperfections) and acceptance of our world (again, with all of its imperfections).
Does this mean total pacifism is the goal? I would think not but then again, that is more of my perfectionistic thinking.
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Comments
My sister, for example, never strove for excellence in her lifetime...short as it was...and proved it continuously. In fact, a wasted life filled with drugs and liquor, resulting in liver failure at age 52.
On the other hand, constantly striving for perfection is a questionable quest (to coin a phrase). As that great philosopher Dean Martin once said, "Anything perfect ain't too good."
I think that trying to accept an "imperfection" underpins the belief in an ideal which doesn't exist. There is what is, and the mind will do all sorts of odd things in response. The harmony of the system is already precise or "perfect"... we don't need to accept imperfection. Rather, we stop jumping at shadows when we stop generating dissatisfaction for what is our natural continuum, and then find there is nothing for us to accept or reject.
I really don't mean to split hairs, only offer perhaps a different outlook. Instead of fabricating more of the acceptance/rejection habit, we can let go of the fabricating altogether. Then perception is naturally closer to accurate.
In this article, the writer talks about "The many faces of perfectionism."
http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/manyfaces.aspx
"Socially prescribed perfectionism--believing that others will value you only if you are perfect--has been associated with depression and other problems, including suicide.
"I think the reason for that is that socially prescribed perfectionism has an element of pressure combined with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness," explains Flett. Socially prescribed perfectionists, he notes, tend to feel that "the better I do, the better I'm expected to do.""
I would think your sister had a sense of helplessness and hopelessness, not to mention low self esteem. The poor self-esteem itself, suggests standards that are not attained. When a person fails to meet some idea of the ideal, they can set more realistic goals, or they can beat themselves up.
I strive for perfection as should everyone else!
The world is imperfect, people are imperfect, and we ourselves are all imperfect. You ask people to be perfect when they are not. You are asking them to be something they are not. Is striving for perfection a reasonable response? Is it even possible?
If it is not possible yet they should strive for it, isn't that setting them up for failure? Is that perfect?
how many wars should we go to until we have peace and such peace isn't usually true peace.
peace is what you bring now.
perfection is accepting what is and from there and only there we can do something.
we are not perfect nor imperfect. it is merely clinging and believing to these "concepts" that bring about more suffering.
we shouldn't strive for anything. any seasoned meditator or spiritual seeker will realize this if they are sincere. strive and seek all you want and you'll be a slave to the cycle.
just be. everything is okay as it is. even if our minds and our biology tells us otherwise. from this unconditional acceptance we embody a perfection that accepts it all. it isn't pacifism for that is a trap as well. when we are completely being and empty of conditioning we act accordingly and spontaneously to what needs to be done in such moments. that is where true compassion arises from.
Perfection is a very black and white concept. It implies non-acceptance as part of the premise. As long as there is the perfect state, there is no acceptance.
>and reality sets in
The reality that sets in is not actual reality IMO. It's the reality that your mind has made for itself.
>The result can be procrastination, depression, suicide, eating disorders, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
That is only true if there is clinging to the perfection as clinging is what causes those things. It is quite possible to strive and not cling. These things aren't caused by the striving, they are caused by the clinging.
http://buddhism.about.com/b/2011/04/28/practicing-imperfection.htm,
The Buddha taught that life is temporary, conditioned and imperfect. You dont believe him?
>It means letting down your protective defenses and letting go of rigid ideas about the way things ought to be.
As I see it, this is the release of craving/clinging. It is possible to accept your current imperfections, as well as know that they can be removed, without that causing a problem. I don't believe they are mutually exclusive.
I believe the 1st Noble truth. But the 3rd Noble truth is also true and not contrary to the first. The Buddha said that all conditioned, constructed, created things are temporary, and imperfect. But he also said this:
"There is that, which is unborn, uncreated, unformed & unconstructed!
If, Bhikkhus, there was not this unborn, uncreated, unformed and unconstructed,
no escape from what is born, created, formed & constructed could ever be realized...
But since there indeed exists that, which is utterly unborn, uncreated, unformed and
unconstructed, the escape from this born, created, formed & constructed state can
therefore indeed be realized, explained and made known right here and now!"
The suffering in life is most certainly true. Complete release from it is also true. Believing that release from it is true, does not cause problems in and of itself. Faith in the enlightenment of the Buddha furthers one along the path. I understand what you and the quote above says. It says craving/clinging causes problems, I agree. However, Faith in the enlightenment of the Buddha and faith that you can achieve the same thing the Buddha did, need not involve problematic clinging. All the Noble truths are true, the 1st as well as the 2nd,3rd and 4th. It is quite beneficial to be accepting of your imperfections, it is also quite beneficial to know they can be removed. Knowing that they can be removed is part of the process of "taking refuge" in the Three Jewels, it is the "supreme refuge". All this can be done without problematic craving/clinging. It is quite beneficial to be accepting of your imperfections, it is also quite beneficial to know they can be removed and to know that you can put an end to suffering. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
but also realize there is no heaven that is not here and there is no enlightenment that isn't right now.
dance with the paradox until there is only dancing.
From my perspective you may not see that there is a difference between striving for perfection and being a perfectionist.
Being a perfectionist implies that one has "a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards." Perhaps, the key word here is ANYTHING. I've known perfectionists, they are never satisfied with others and never satisfied with themselves. They had difficulties having positive relations with others, including spouses and their own children.
On the other hand, many of us strive for perfection in some aspects of our life. I few months ago it was beginning to look like I was going to have to have heart surgery. Fortunately, it turned out to be a misdiagnosis. At the time I certainly wanted the heart surgeon to strive for perfection on the operating table. And I would have benefited if my cardiologist had striven for perfection in the diagnosis to begin with.
When I was a school principal, I didn't try to do all my work as a principal and leader as a perfectionist, but there were times with important parent conferences or expulsion hearings or leading staff when I did strive for perfection. Had I done the former as a perfectionist, it would have been self-defeating, but with the latter -- when a child's future truly rested with my actions -- striving for perfection was desirable and necessary. And even then, all of us...well, most of us realize, that in striving for perfection in certain tasks that even then we will probably only have excellent or very good results, not perfection.
A Buddhist friend of mine in Thailand has recently been contemplating suicide because along with two already life threatening diseases, he is now facing open heart surgery for the second time in his life. If he goes to the Sangha for guidance, I hope the monk that he talks to strives for perfection in their conversation, or we may necessarily lose a person who is very significant to the educational benefits received by all Thai children in public schools.
I work with people who are very perfectionistic and unhappy. These people hold the ideals as goals, rather than aspirations. I believe that aspirations describes desires and effort. But not some achievable goal that we beat ourselves up for when we do not achieve it.
There comes a point where there is
(a) diminishing returns in terms of quality. (example: the difference between a £700 mountain bike and a £1500 mountain bike)
(b) much greater time and effort required (increased stress)
(c) decreased satisfaction
The perfect of today will be the commonplace of tomorrow- small efforts of the many usually lead to the greater good, with the odd one or two trailblazing ahead and the rest in tow.
The goal of no hate, no ignorance and no greed is admirable. Something to work towards!
“This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections.”