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Self-respect

EpicurusEpicurus
edited November 2011 in Buddhism Basics
What does self-respect entail, as far as Buddhism goes.

I'm beggining to see a pattern in my life. I'm deeply empathic towards others but I often almost literally forget myself. I lose myself in other people's needs and have a problem establishing boundaries. I can be very self-sacrificing. After much meditation and interrogation I've concluded while it sounds very noble it's the number one reason why I don't get my needs met.

I've also found a correlation a pattern I think. It seems to me, it's more likely for the youngest child in a family, to feel like his needs are not met, his voice not heard....and a lot of time fall pray to a life of drugs and of falling asleep to their own needs to the point where they don't know what they are anymore. Possibly normal also to not feel respected or heard among friends...but at the same time not realizing this.

What would the Buddha advice be to such a person? How to cultivate self-respect? This is not the same as self-esteem....I have good self-esteem...I just lose touch with my own needs when I'm with other people due to my naturally empathic nature. Thoughts?

Comments

  • patbbpatbb Veteran
    self-respect is what you get when you remove self-hatred, self-pity, anger toward yourself, shyness (which is the outcome of thinking "im not good enough"), the craving to appear great to others to compensate for inferiority complexes etc...
  • driedleafdriedleaf Veteran
    If you think about it, the precepts are what keeps us from creating bad karma. If you kill living beings, you will have bad karma, if you steal you create bad karma etc. Creating bad karma for yourself would be disrespecting yourself in a way. I don't think you are disrespecting yourself when you are sacrificing for others. There was something that made you do what you did. Perhaps you are trying to create good karma for yourself? It doesn't hurt to think things over and limit what you sacrifice. For the sake of creating good karma doesn't have to be something difficult. If it is difficult, then you should reconsider or perhaps you could find something else that would make things less difficult for you.

    Something simple like meditating everyday is already a kind of sacrifice in a way. If you meditate with peace and loving-kindness in mind, to me that would be a kind of sacrifice.

  • DandelionDandelion London Veteran
    edited November 2011
    What does self-respect entail, as far as Buddhism goes.

    I'm beggining to see a pattern in my life. I'm deeply empathic towards others but I often almost literally forget myself. I lose myself in other people's needs and have a problem establishing boundaries. I can be very self-sacrificing. After much meditation and interrogation I've concluded while it sounds very noble it's the number one reason why I don't get my needs met.

    I've also found a correlation a pattern I think. It seems to me, it's more likely for the youngest child in a family, to feel like his needs are not met, his voice not heard....and a lot of time fall pray to a life of drugs and of falling asleep to their own needs to the point where they don't know what they are anymore. Possibly normal also to not feel respected or heard among friends...but at the same time not realizing this.

    What would the Buddha advice be to such a person? How to cultivate self-respect? This is not the same as self-esteem....I have good self-esteem...I just lose touch with my own needs when I'm with other people due to my naturally empathic nature. Thoughts?
    Hi Epicurus.
    My first thought was that perhaps you need to spend more time on your own. I don't mean that you should become a hermit, or start cutting people out of your life, just maybe think about this in quite a practical way. Look at what you have planned for the next week or so, and look at how much time you have to yourself. That seems to me like a good way to start assessing boundaries, at least with regards to your 'time'. If you don't feel you can cancel any commitments you have for the next week, then be aware to not make too many for the week after, and so on.
    I don't know what advice Buddha would give, I'm not knowledgeable to say I'm afraid. Good luck :)
  • prettyhowtownprettyhowtown
    I have the same "problem" and find I get lost in other people. The only method I've found that helps me is to spend time by myself. It is difficult to find a balance between the time spent alone and emotional intimacy with others and I have not been successful with that. I tend to get over-involved in the lives of others.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    Epicurus, I think just catching yourself. When you don't notice it you can't do anything about it. But when you do notice you may take time to get accomplished what you need doing. If you could give some concrete examples it would help me to understand what is happening. Do you want people to listen to you more than they are currently? Do you need more alone time? Basically it sounds like this has to do with others and my question is whether you have a dissatisfaction for how others are treating you or regarding you. Too much give and not take? If so I think you should communicate that to others say "I need this" "you're not listening to me".. If you vent your dissatisfaction early then it can prevent holding it in.
  • EpicurusEpicurus
    No, i get plenty of alone time since I'm currently unemployed.

    I'm a fairly extroverted person and totally okay with being introverted too. It's just that I can't seem to hold a personal agenda for too long. Other people occupy most of my thoughts throughout the day. I don't have any big goals in life or will to have this or that. It's tough to explain.

    I'm intellectually very independent and am definitely NOT a follower...but I can forgive and give people infinite chances....because of my empathy : i always see where people are coming from. But whereas most people have places to go and things to do....personal agendas....my ego has never been that strong on that one.

    I guess I wanted to know what in Buddhism would help one sort out ONE'S OWN priorities. One's own personal agenda. I always found it hard to justify arbitrary courses of action for myself...like wanting to go to this school or get that girl or do that thing....I get carried away living other people's adventures....without being able to say no....

    But then knowing that...being mindful of that...i can say no. Sure. But what I'm asking is how do i know what my heart wants to say YES to? This might sound very strange since a lot of people probably would want the opposite in a Buddhism path...but then again I'm a weirdo :P
  • beingbeing Veteran
    You are the same as 'the other'. But the mind creates a duality between us and 'others'. You deserve as much of your attention as everyone else does. :)
    I guess in Buddhism it's called the Middle Way.
  • aMattaMatt Veteran
    I get carried away living other people's adventures....without being able to say no....

    But then knowing that...being mindful of that...i can say no. Sure. But what I'm asking is how do i know what my heart wants to say YES to? This might sound very strange since a lot of people probably would want the opposite in a Buddhism path...but then again I'm a weirdo :P
    It isn't very strange at all. Consider writing a list of your needs. You don't sound like it will be anything like "fast car" or "hot chick", but the qualities of life you are hoping to find. As you write them out, perhaps you could spend some time looking at those qualities and decide what type of actions will help bring them into your life.

    What are your needs? How can they be met? How can you work toward any goal without knowing what they are? How can you learn to set boundries and ask others for help when you need it if there isn't a clear understanding in your own resolve as to what you're seeking?

    It is good to be flexible in the external circumstance of our life, but we work more skillfully when we know what it is we are looking to cultivate. Just because there is flexibilty and a sense of detachment from material goals doesn't mean we can abandon goal setting and getting to know who we are.
  • ajnast4rajnast4r Veteran
    edited November 2011


    Ajahn Brahm on balancing compassion with wisdom.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    Epicurus, I deal with some of the same issues. Finding out which paths I want to go down. Where I want to work and where to socialize. I almost want to say you are blessed to not have such an ego, but at the same time you do have to find out what to do with your time on earth.

    My recommendation is to ponder the question, but don't get 'heavy' or pressurize the question. What a delight to have such a free spirit that you have a choice of what to do with your time? I think opening a channel of communication from your heart and to your consciousness would be helpful. Maybe write a journal or not even necessarily a journal in time but just do some stream of consciousness writing exercises to figure out what you want. Thats just a bit of guesswork on my part, the throat chakra is involved in varied interests and that is also the center of communication. Many people have an idea what they want but they don't have the will and energy to tackle projects; the will is associated with the complimentary navel chakra/center.
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