Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Getting past dishonesty in a relationship
I am relatively new to Buddhism and meditation and I could really use some advise. My husband has a history of dishonesty and hiding things from me, the truth almost always comes out and ends up with me being sad and disappointed and him beating himself up for lying yet again. Most of his lies are over silly things that would never even be an issue if he would just come clean in the first place. My question is, how do I get past feeling betrayed and how do I regain faith in him and our marriage? How can I help him get past his compulsion to be dishonest? I meditate on all of the really good things about him, but I'm really struggling.
Thank you for any insight
Thank you for any insight
0
Comments
Don't ask me about relationships, I guess. What I would do is just find my own hobbies and satisfaction. Then when he asks why you are excluding him say it is because he lies to you.
There are many of his talk that will relate to your situations, if you are not familiar with Ajahn Brahm, watch a few of his talks if you like him.
it will help you out
Thank you patbb, I am really enjoying the video.
Jeffrey is right that you have no control over your husband, but you can try to get to the bottom of his need to deceive maybe in a non-accusing, non judgmental manner. You'd need a lot of self-control for that, so maybe have him look into this with the help of a professional.
I think it is important to fix this if possible. as it is disrupting and disappointing in your relationship. It must feel like a never ending effort to gain trust only to lose it again. So, for your own sake, it may be necessary to figure this out. Your own peace of mind and ability to trust is not too much to expect in a marriage.
You say the lies are about silly things and not such a big deal to you, but your emotions say otherwise. What you see as a betrayal he sees as protecting himself. Other than that, is he a good man? Does he try to show you how much he appreciates you? Do you stop once in a while and appreciate him for who he is? There must be something about him you found worthwhile to marry.
The Buddhist way is to know that he's not deliberately trying to hurt you. He's stuck in a set of mental habits he learned somewhere along the way. He doesn't completely match the image of a husband you desire. Maybe complete honesty about everything will always be too much to ask of him. If so, maybe you and he can settle for honesty about the important things and don't sweat the small stuff. A lot of having a successful marriage is simply learning to put up with each other, even when you have to clench your teeth.
I hope you two manage to work out. It's a lonely world out there and a good partner is a blessing.
>and I've been assured by her in the past I'm far from perfect
haha
my wife still insist on doing the same...
you have been very frank and open about your attitude, responses and about how you should tackle the issue form your perspective...
But may I ask -
What's his attitude?
How does he view what this is doing to you, your relationship, and to him?
How does he view his lying?
Does he not see how utterly disrespectful it is to your integrity, dignity and trust, to be untruthful?
Is he aware he needs to remedy his reactions and instinct?
What is he doing, in earnest, to prevent this pattern of behaviour from continuing?
It's all very well you trying to adopt a new behaviour of understanding and compassion, and implement a new attitude of understanding and acceptance - but he's the one perpetuating the situation.
so what is he doing to stop this cycle?
I've watched many relationships that were having issues, and experienced it myself twice, and it's rare that one person can fix a relationship. It almost always takes two to repair things.
while there may be a specific blame to apportion, for specific incidents, the couple bear a joint and equal responsibility to maintain, nourish and uphold the relationship in a healthy and mutually beneficial manner.
One person alone, cannot shoulder this responsibility.
however, if there is a transgression, then there is a clear case of trust being compromised.
the transgressor should own the blame, and if needs be, do whatever it takes, to rebuild his - or her - side of the bridge.
A relationship is supported and sustained by 3 principal qualities:
Trust
Communication
Respect.
These three are the tripod which support the liaison.
If any one of these is compromised, the other two cannot, on their own, maintain the balance to secure the relationship.
And the most vulnerable and fragile of these - is Trust.
@Heartwithaview:
You can do everything within your Buddha-natural power, to redress your side of things, change your attitude, develop Compassion and alter your View of the matter -
Burt unless he seriously addresses the fact of having betrayed your trust - this work will be double the effort for half of the return.
If you don't trust him - your battle is up an impossibly difficult gradient.
For my part, I think that buddhist principles would help if you are both buddhists - otherwise the experience can be frustrating for both.
Its hard to assess what the lies are - for example, being untruthful about where you are may be a sign that he is hiding something - equally if one partner constantly badgers the other then sometimes it is easier just to deal with it with a whit lie - I'm not saying its right to do that just that its an easier option...
Either way, he's your husband and you remain with him so underneath it all you are enabling him to do it and it sounds like he doesnt appreciate the effect it has on you.
It sounds cliche but I would discuss it with him in a calm loving way, explaining how it makes you feel when he behaves like that and asking him how he feels about it - it would appear that it doesnt make either of you feel 'good' or secure in your relationship... perhaps try to explore the root of the cause and see if that is something you can address together - if not, then also try professional help like couple's therapy or even individual therapy so you can both understand yourselves and eachother more - I've found that if you communicate, no issue is insurmountable...
Wishing you the best of luck with this.
Dishonesty undermines intimacy, and is detrimental to relationships. That being said, is there a reason he doesn't feel safe being honest? Does he not consider it important? Do you respond well to his faults and truths when they are difficult? Do you help him feel open and responsive? Do you react potently to difficulties?
In my experience with relationships, 'being honest' is more a result of well tended intimacy than a cause.
What kinds of things is he being dishonest about? Did you consider the fact that sometimes dishonesty is easier than dealing with a controlling and emotionally abusive spouse?
Here's an anecdote:
A man goes out with "the boys" after work, goes to a bar, has a few drinks, comes home. Wife is insecure and jealous, goes apeshit crazy, berates, maybe even physically strikes him. Tells him never to go out again.
The next time the man wants to go out, he pulls the "I'm staying late for work" bit. Not because he's a fundamentally dishonest person, but because lying is easier than dealing with his psycho partner.
I'm certainly not suggesting that you're that woman and he's that man. I, of course, have no idea what the situation is; I'm merely suggesting that his dishonesty, as you put it, may have different causes than you may think. Perhaps he is protecting himself, or protecting someone else. Maybe you should stop to ask yourself: "Is something I'm doing causing him to need to lie?" And what is he lying about? Is it serious stuff like you've caught him cheating on you? Or is it something that, with perspective, might not be so serious, like he is up late at night looking at porn or playing World of Warcraft or something?
The trigger thing for me is your dismissive use of "silly things". It sounds like there might be a lot more to the story.
My brother is a pathological liar too...he "embellishes" as well as outright makes stuff up, so I have to be careful in what I believe from him. Mind you, he is almost 60 years old.
I have what I call skeptical trust in general, that is I will mostly trust you until you do something that causes me not to, or if I have a gut instinct will put someone on probation until such time as they are "okay" with me. Your mileage may vary, it works for me.
Most people with deep-seated trust issues came by it early on, and then they tend to gravitate towards the same sort of problems in mates and friends so the cycle of mistrust repeats.
Talking from experience here,took me years to trust more, however I still refuse to deal with addicts, it's a choice I have and will make even if it's a relative. I guess some see that as "cold", I see it as self-care.
My personal well-being is more important to me than dealing with someone's "poor me" excuses. I feel for you, and know it's just that easy to say words, but much of the advice given here is pretty good...you both need to address it. He lies, and you forgive,so he lies and you forgive....
It has to stop somewhere, if the relationship is to survive the resentment that you each must have. I wish you the best of luck.
sometimes, Compassion has to carry a big stick, and get tough.
if you persist in being so forgiving and making allowances, what in effect you are doing, is drawing lines in the sand, which he thinks nothing of stepping over - to which you just draw another line in the sand.
You have to hit bedrock - and quit drawing.
When we first got together she said to me "I don't care if you screw around, just tell me about it so I can make an informed decision".
I thought that was a most reasonable request and I have never lied to her about anything because, after she said that, I could never see any value whatsoever in any form of dishonesty or deception.
Perhaps, Heartwithaview, you could somehow let your husband know how important is for you to be able to make informed decisions and how his being honest helps you to do so. If he can, he will no longer feel the need to beat himself up for lying.