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Three Monks walk into a cave.....

BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
edited January 2012 in General Banter
Three Monks are meditating silently in a cave.

A few months pass by and there's a noise outside the cave.

Six months of silence follows and the first Monk says: Did you hear that goat?

A year of silence follows when the second Monk says: That wasn't a goat. It was a cow.

Two years later the third Monk says: If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!


  • A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    Two Zen monks were walking down the road.
    First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
    The second monk slaps him across the face.
    First monk: "Why did you do that?"
    "I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird stuff like that."
  • ZeroZero Veteran
    A crazy fool was seen leading a huge crowd through the town - the crowd following mimmicked his every move - he'd take a step or two, wave his arms in the air vigorously, touch his toes and bounce into the air shouting "Hu Hu Hu"... The mass of following bodies would immediately oblige and end with a thriumant chorus of HU!

    Now one of the townfolk recognised the crazy fool and stepped to him asking, "My old friend, what is this new business of yours? Why are all these people following you and doing everything you do?"

    The crazy fool replied, "My friend, these people made me their Sufi Sheikh and they in turn obliged themselves to be my Murdi (apprentices) - I am bound to help them find enlightenment!"

    The man was confused, "But what do you know of the way of the Sufi? How could you be a Sheikh to them?"

    "I dont know!", replied the crazy fool.

    "Then how will you know if you have succeeded in helping them to enlightenment?" asked the man.

    "That's the easy part!" replied the crazy fool, "Every morning I count them and the ones that are missing are enlightened!"
  • edited January 2012
    Su Dongpo was an avid student of Buddhist teachings. He was quick-witted and humorous; as a Zen Buddhism follower he was very serious and self-disciplined. He often discussed buddhism with his good friend, Zen Master Foyin. The two lived across the river from one another.

    Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin.
    One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:


    I bow my head to the heaven within heaven,
    Hairline rays illuminating the universe,
    The eight winds cannot move me,
    Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus.

    The “eight winds (八风)” in the poem referred to praise (称), ridicule (讥), honor (誉), disgrace (毁), gain (得), loss (失), pleasure (乐) and misery (苦) – interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.

    Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Fo Yin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Fo Yin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote “fart” on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.

    Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw “fart” written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: “How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He’s got a lot of explaining to do!”

    Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Fo Yin and demand an apology. However, Fo Yin’s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:


    The eight winds cannot move me,
    One fart blows me across the river.

    This stopped Su Dongpo cold. Fo Yin had anticipated this hot-headed visit. Su Dongpo’s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend’s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement, completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked?

    With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Fo Yin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly.

    This event proved to be a turning point in Su Dongpo’s spiritual development. From that point on, he became a man of humility, and not merely someone who boasted of possessing the virtue.
  • There is a wonderful story about Ikkyu, a Zen monk who lived in the fifteenth century in Japan. It seems the governor of the province where Ikkyu lived posted a sign next to a twisted and gnarled pine tree. If you’ve hiked in high altitudes, or along the coast, you can often see trees like this – trees that have been sculpted by the artistic winds and rain they are exposed to. The sign read, ”Whoever can see this crooked pine tree as straight will receive a prize.”

    “People who walked past the tree and read the sign stopped and tried to figure out this riddle. How could they see this crooked tree as straight? Many people circled the tree, some several times. Others laid flat on the ground and looked up from below. A few climbed the tree and one person brought a ladder so as to get a glimpse of the tree from above the crown.
    “But nobody figured out how to see the crooked tree as straight.”

    “So the riddle went unsolved and word of this challenge spread throughout the province.”

    “One day Ikyu came walking by and read the sign. He looked at the tree and immediately went to the governor’s estate. He claimed, ” I have solved the riddle and would like my prize.” Somewhat surprised, and perhaps a bit suspicious the governor asked, “how did you see the crooked tree straight?” And Ikkyu answered, “It is crooked.” A crooked tree is crooked and to see it “just as it is” is to see it straight.”
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    Why don't buddhists vacuum in corners?

    Because they have no attachments.
  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    Okay - it's an oldie - but someone has to say it:

    The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says: Make me one with everything. :)
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    Great thread!:)
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    Okay - it's an oldie - but someone has to say it:

    The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says: Make me one with everything. :)
    Watch this news anchor totally bomb telling this joke to HHDL. :lol:

  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    edited January 2012
    At least HH tried, but it lost a little (a lot?!) in translation.
  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    Dukkha, Anicca and Anatta walk into a bar.

    Dukkha says, “Life sucks!” Anicca says, “This will pass!” Anatta says, “You talkin’ to ME?!”
  • Dukkha, Anicca and Anatta walk into a bar.
    The three seals of dhamma.
  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    One more before I go:

    Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?

    They have no soul.

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    The day after completing a 9-day Vipassana retreat, Laid-back hippy Dave turns up for work at the Zoo. Seeing how chilled-out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly saunters over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the tortoises gone!
    He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”
    “Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!”
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    A young monk arrives at a monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

    His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

    The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

    CELEBRATE !!! "
  • IronRabbitIronRabbit Veteran
    edited January 2012
    What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
    Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
    How did the birthday child respond?
    You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
    To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

    When asked what he wanted for his birthday,
    the Yogi replied, "I wish no gifts" only presence.

  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”

    The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
    “What are you doing? Can I help?”
    “I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”

    So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
    “Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
    “What are you doing?”
    “I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
    “But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
    “Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
    ~ Ajahn Brahm
  • Laughter kills sorrow
  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    edited January 2012
    A Monk Walks Into a Bar...

    A man was sitting at a bar on a hot summer day, nursing a beer, all alone except for the bartender, when a Zen monk walked in and sat down. The old monk gave a deep sigh and wiped the sweat off his bald head with a napkin, obviously enjoying the air conditioning.

    "Hey!" said the bartender, "I told you, the boss ordered me to only let people in here if they buy a drink. And none of that glass of water stuff. Something that costs money."
    "Very well," said the monk. "Please give me a shot of your best whiskey."
    The bartender took his time, continuing to stock the bar, but eventually went over and placed an empty shotglass on the table before the monk.
    "And where is my whiskey?" the monk asked.
    "I've already given it to you," the bartender replied.
    "Then I already drank it," the monk said, and got up to leave.
    "Wait a minute," said the bartender. "Where's the payment for the drink?"
    "I already paid it," replied the monk, bowing deeply and then leaving. The bartender bowed back and then returned to his post behind the bar.

    The lone customer watched all this, fascinated. "Man, that Zen stuff is trippy," he told the bartender. "So that's what enlightenment is all about, is it? All that empty glass talk?"

    "Yeah, the old monk is enlightened," the bartender replied with a shrug. "But he's still a lousy tipper."

  • At the entrance to a Hindu temple there was a beggar always stretching out his hand, asking and pleading for alms. One day he stretched out both of his hands. A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand—why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “Hari Om! Praise God! Business was so good that I opened another branch!”

  • edited January 2012
    Take off of the OP on this thread...
    A monk joins an order in which he must take a vow of silence. Members are, however, allowed to come forward and speak every 10 years. After 10 years, when the new monk gets his chance to speak, he says, "My bed's not very comfortable." Another 10 years go by, and when he next gets to speak he says, "The food's not very good here." Finally, after 30 years with the order when it is again time for him to speak, he announces, "I'm leaving."
    The head monk replies, "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is bitch."
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